Two Guys Talkin'

B-Hey bro!
J-Ma man, suupp! (fist bump)
B-It's finally warming back up. WTF was up with last week? It was like October!
J-I know! The tomatoes were whining.
B-Good crop this year. Well done.
J-Yep and mighty tasty. Eggplant are finally coming in. 
B-I read that the Weather Service is calling for a warm September. Jet Stream is moving north.
J-I can live with that. Extend the growing season. I'm not ready for cold weather yet.
B-You're not going to get all morose about summer ending and start quoting Tom Waits?
J-Nope. Not even melancholic about it.
B-Whoa-are you feeling all right? You've been hitting the plonck on a regular basis.
J-I'm good, man.
B-Well, you're looking good-lost some weight, moving around pretty well.
J-Yep, the BH weight loss program-sling stock and lose weight. About 20 lbs.
B-Good deal-and was that your wedding suit you got into Friday-an ape in a monkey suit lol. Oh, I just kill myself sometimes.
J-Yes, that is quite clever and yes, you are correct.
B-Who died?
J-Interview, idiot.
B-Oh yes...I forgot. So, good times? On the road to a steady supply of pate?
J-Man, you do have a one-track mind. I think it went well but I think I don't have the skill set they want.
B-Are you just being modest or is your usual negative self-esteem rearing it's ugly head?
J-Shrug, it was obvious that they were a bit bummed I didn't know more about some stuff. It will come down to whether or not they want to do remedial training or not. I got on well with them, though.
B-Well, what will be will be-I hope it works out. I know the money and hours aren't good at BH.
J-No, the money sucks and now there is an issue with C being at school 7am to 9.30pm on her class days. That is way too much.
B-Ewwww, no shit, man! That is just brutal.
J-I know-this is just taking longer than I imagined.
B-It will all work out, buddy (head butt).
B-Speaking of losing weight-good grief, man-Mom is skinny!
J-Yep. I'm thinking 30 lbs + lost.
B-Whoa-is she alright?
J-Yeah, she's eating well-just calorie restriction. 
B-What about calcium and the anti-hormone pills?
J-Well, that I am concerned about-don't want her bones to start breaking all over the place. Maybe the supplement powder in chocolate almond milk will help out.
B-She eats no dairy.
J-I know, man. 
B-Well, she looks great. She's got that Mia Farrow/Rosemary's Baby cut going on. Yowsa!
J-Perhaps not the greatest reference but yes, she looks great. She thought I was nutty to suggest going to the barber to have the neck hair trimmed but in the end, she was thrilled with the result. Sometimes, simple things make a big difference.
J-Speaking of hair coming back, glad to see your hair has come back in the wounds area. I can feel the scars.
B- Yeah, I'm good. Son of a bitch hasn't been back. Mission Accomplished!
J-I'm happy for you-what is up with all the barfing and don't deny it-I know it's you. 
B-Stress,man.
J-You mean, stress caused by The Calico?
B-Yep, stress being black.
J-What?
B-Yeah, man-I totally identify and sympathize with my black ape brother and sisters-every single effin moment, I am at risk of getting harassed, beaten up, intimidated all because I am black.
J-Ok wait a minute-this is just a bit much to take in. You claim the Calico is messing with you because you're black?
B-Damn straight!
J-Forgive me, but I thought y'all were colorblind...literally. (sorry EM)
B-How do you know we can't see color? Even so, she can tell I am darker than a grey.
J-Isn't this more about dominance and the fact she considers herself an alpha cat?
B-Nope. She hates me 'cuz I'm black.
J-Dude, with all due respect, this is not only a slippery slope but a rather preposterous one. Especially relating your experience to those of color in America.
B-She hates me cuz I'm black. Miss Multi-Color feels so superior.
J-I think being from France, no less from Paris is pushing that attitude. Besides, when has race even been a concept with the feline tribe? I think this is bullshit.
B-Oh yeah? She bitches cuz I'm loud-just like those book club ladies who were booted off the train in CA.
J-You are more talkative than the girls, I will give you that. But I still don't think you can do a species jumping analogy here. 
B-Just sayin' I can relate. I'm tense all the time so I toss up my kibble. I never know when I'm going to get messed with,that's all. You're the one bitchin' about cleaning it up. Get rid of The Calico and problem solved. Save money on Resolve carpet cleaner.
J-And that is exactly what Mom and I hear from Tomi. Get rid of the black one. Gawd, can't we just all get along?
B-Fuck her! I CAME with this place-I was living rough cuz those two ape bitches abandoned me. I was here first!!
J-Well, it does seem there is an analogy with us in this case: the two of you aren't going to budge in your prejudices.
B-Nope.
J-Sigh and how will we make progress and have some peace.
B-Bitch can change.
J-And she probably has the same idea for you. Well, at least neither of you have progeny to pass along all this shit onto. It dies with you. Won't have some bullshit over a battle flag flying over the courthouse 150 years after the war.
B-Fine by me.
J-Well I am not going to get you kitty valium. You two need to work this out. And really, is it as bad as you say? I see you two sleeping within a foot of each other on the couch.
B-SHE'S the one who needs the meds-she'll be fine for awhile then boom-she gets all crazy and starts hitting me. It ain't right.
J-No, it isn't. And here the analogy with us stays true-it ain't right what happens to folk. 400 years of shit. It takes a long, long time to change the ape heart, I am afraid. I thought we had made progress and indeed, in some ways we have. But overall, we have not and this grieves me. I thought we were better than this. The curse of 60's idealism. 
B-I don't get it, man. I cannot relate.
J-Goes back to our tribal roots. Anyone not like ourselves is viewed as a threat. You do not fucking get to drink from our water hole!!! Add 400 years of crap and it's a monumental mess that will probably take hundreds of more years to sort out. 
B-That's messed up.
J-Yep. 
B-Oi. All this heavy talk has made me peckish and you need a refill. Exit stage right?
J-Sointly! 
B-Hey, your birthday is coming up
J-Yeah, a few weeks. The big one is my brother Mike's-it's the big seven oh for him.
B-Wow.
J-I know! We're all getting up there. 
B-Makes me hungry thinking about it.
J-Ok ok. Let's get a snack.

Two Guys Talkin'

B-Whew, hot one!
J-I hear ya-finally summer. Tough having those fur pajamas, though.
B-At least your tomatoes like it.
J-You bet! Glad to see you're healing up. You knucklehead.
B-Son of a bitch came back and I whupped him.
J-Well it looks like you got whupped as well. Geez man, matching set of scars on either side of your face. You look like an old prize fighter.
B-Whatever. Mom's looking good.
J-Yes, she is! All done with the radiation, hair coming back. Weight where she likes it.
B-I like the GI Jane cut but I think it will be interesting to see how it evolves.
J-Me too. Who knows where it will go. Bottom line: this part of the journey is over. She's feeling good-eating well, sleeping well and getting back into the work. 
B-Glad she took our advice to rest up and heal for awhile.
J-Well, you guys are experts at that!
B-(stretching) of course! You're the driven apes. Oh, congrats to your species for flying an object past another uninhabitable rock. Well done! Not that the rest of us on the planet gives a shit but good for you!
J-Certainly faint praise indeed.
B-Does this accomplishment put pate in my dish? NO! How much money was spent on this and you have folks starving? Oh, wait-that's in the Third World so who cares. They'll make more who will have short and brutal lives. But man, they can have pix of some effin' piece of rock billions of miles away. Yeah, that will fill the belly.
J-Are you done? What's got your fur in a twist?
B-17 reasons.
J-Ohhhhh, the Republican candidate dwarves?
B-Well one of those bastards is going to be president.
J-Wow, writing off Hillary already?
B-Statistically, she doesn't have a chance in this cycle. And she's a Clinton without Bill's charm. There's not an authentic bone in that woman's body.
J-Sounds a little sexist although considering you're a cat, not sure if this applies.
B-Just saying, dude-that woman has more baggage than a bi-polar widow with three dead husbands. Besides-let's just say for the sake of argument, she manages to win. Can she govern? Hell, the Right hates her more than Obama and shit hasn't gotten done in the last 8 years. You want 8 more years of this crap?
J-And they will cozy up to that Socialist Sanders?
B-I love that son of a bitch. He'll just give them the finger and fight it out in the court of public opinion.
J-Hmm, so a latter day Harry Truman?
B-Yep and he'll fuck Wall Street and all those lobbyist whores that push the legislation.
J-Wow-I didn't know you kept up on all this. You're doing better than 90% of my species and you can't vote!
B-Sad ain't it? Most of your kind are dumber than a box of calicos. How else did Dubya get elected TWICE?
J-Uhhh the Supreme Court helped?
B-DON'T GET ME STARTED ON SCALIA  AND ROBERTS.
J-So, what's behind this passion about our politics? It really doesn't impact on you.
B-You are the dominant species in the dominant nation state. We've learned to keep an eye on things. Things do impact us. All of us.
J-Well, I am not any happier than you. Once again, hold nose and vote. Especially with several in the Supreme Court in their 80's. 
B-Yeah, that's an effin' nightmare waiting to happen.
J-I think it will go with the Establishment's anointed: Bush, Clinton.
B-Well, you better pray it isn't one of the assholes like Walker. Oily and crazy. I mean, just what kind of future does he and his ilk see for the country once they do everything they want to do?
No middle class left to buy anything. When it finally sinks in that the American Dream is dead-it will get ugly, man-I have seen this in the past. Burn, baby burn. But back then all you had to deal with was the National Guard killing a few of you. Now, send in the drones and some asshole sitting in a bunker in Nevada will be launching missiles into the protesters. He'll be medicated (in the morning cup of joe), brainwashed and disconnected from the killing so he won't give it a second's thought. Push the button and those traitors go up in a blast of smoke. Medal, baby!
J-Whoa-pretty bleak future, man.
B-Hopefully I'll have some lag time before the next reincarnation and miss all of it. 
J-Oh, stop it-(scritching ears) no reason to get morbid.
B-Sigh, I know. Oh, it's cooling off. Mom's gone to bed.
J-Yep. The fireflies are out. Finally, a breeze. What's the moon?
B-Waxing gibbous. Mostly cloudy, though.
J-There she is.
B-Mmmm, nice night. Whatcha drinking there?
J-Snout out of the glass, man-Cuba Libre.
B-Perfect for a warm evening. Just need a beach and ocean breeze. Some comely felines....
J-Well, my comely feline is snoozing.
B-You apes and your pair-bonding. I don't understand it. Variety is the spice of life.
J-There is a lot of security when you just have one over the years. You know they have your back. There's comfort in that. And, they know you and have seen you at your best and worst and have chosen to stay. 
B-We don't live that long-maybe that's part of it.
J-Could be. It works for us and the other works for you. One is not better than the other.
B-What's that on the spinner?
J-Segovia, original recordings.
B-I recognized the Bach. Man, all of this has made me peckish. How about a snack and a refill?
J-Sure.
B-And then let's go and see if Big Stampy is out by the feeder.
J-Doesn't take much to make you happy does it? LOL
B-Hey, I want to know where the big guy is. I was thinking of retiring to one of the deck chairs. Thanks for putting the cushions out, BTW.
J-My pleasure. C'mon. Let's get some chow. And then I gotta piss.
B-Off the deck??
J-You bet. Always fun watering the garden at night. Skeeters are finally scare now. Hard to explain bites on the equipment, lol.
B-Good times!!


 

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Hey dude, you're healing up nicely.

B-Yeah.

J-You old gladiator (scritching left ear)-you forgot to duck again.

B-I bring up a John Wayne quote from his last film “The Shootist”:

I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. And I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.

J-Who was it this time?

B-Oh, that tuxedo cat, the one who ignored Mom when she hollered at him.

J-Where is he from?

B-Condotrash.

J-What was he doing here?

B-Precisely my question to him. Son of a bitch thinks he can just saunter on my turf like he owns it.

J-He bit you under the eye, man!

B-I get up close and personal with these mofos. Have to since they took my claws and balls.....bastards!

J-Oh here we go.

B-How am I supposed to fight? Then YOU have the Ms. Poke Something Up My Ass trim what I have left.

J-Dude, now just calm down. That wound was as big as a quarter and you kept opening the scab.

B-It itched.

J-I know but we had to get some antibiotic in you and the vet thought it was wise to dull your claws a bit so you could heal.

B-But it's all I got.

J-I know buddy but we had to give you a chance to heal up. You heard her-you're getting too old for this shit.

B-Never too old to protect what's mine.

J-Sigh. And we thank you for your service and recognize your sacrifices. Man, you're all beat up-you're like one of those old boxers. At least your ears are intact.

B-Well, as the old joke goes-If you think this is bad, you should see how the other guy looks! That fucker won't be back for awhile.

J-Well, so much for this being a family column. And I'm not going to even ask. Glad you and the girls have avoided Big Stampy.

B-What is with that thing-gawd it stinks.

J-So, even when it doesn't squirt, it stinks?

B-Lord yes. And what is up with the mosquitoes?

J-Ten inches of rain.

B-It's awful out there. Can't snooze in my favorite spots.

J-Shit, I have to practically wear netting just to pick the raspberries.

B-No pool this year? I mean, I don't swim but you guys usually have it opened.

J-Too cold and Mom can't get into the sun because of the radiation treatments.

B-Ohhhh. Her hair's coming back. That's a good thing.

J-Yes, it is. She should have a nice butch cut by the time school starts.

B-Stylish.

J-Are we being sarcastic?

B-No, no. I see a lot of short hairs and pixie cuts out there.

J-Uhhh, like where?

B-Oh, around.

J-OOOKKKK-well, you guys better lay low next couple of nights. Fireworks time.

B-Oh Gawd yes. Hurts our ears. Why are you apes so noisy?

J-I dunno-I don't do it. I gotta get up in the morning.

B-Ah, yes. How are things in Retail Hell?

J-Same old crap. Crazy fuckin' people. Great black holes of need. Emotional vampires. Sigh-a lot of suffering out there.

B-Shrug-goes with being alive. What's that old Jewish saying-Life-life is trouble.

J-Yep it sure can be at times.

B-Yawn, apes should take more naps. So how's Mom doing?

J-Better, thanks. Only a couple weeks left of getting zapped. Eating and sleeping decently. Spirits better although she was bummed that one of her colleagues has just been diagnosed.

B-Oufff-sorry man.

J-Yeah thanks.

J-Pretty historic week recently.

B-Oh, the marriage equality thing. Yeah-we can't figure what the problem is with you apes on this issue. Love is love.

J-It's the crazy God people.

B-Oi vey. All that crap made sense 5000 years ago when they were just a starving tribe trying to survive in a hostile desert environment. Pretty high infant mortality rate so when it came to that sort of same-sex intimacy-ok folks, for the future of the tribe-let's put our efforts toward making babies. Then someone came up with the idea of enforcement: Big Daddy in the Sky. Can't see him but HE CAN SEE YOU and brother, he will fuck you up if you don't get with the program so y'all betta pay attention!

J-In a nutshell, yup!

B-Well, good for the gay folk and all the other in that endless acronym. Love is love*.

(*amongst consenting adults. Does not apply to adult/minor or inter-species encounters except in 4 unspecified counties in Utah, Florida and Alabama. Individual results may vary.)

B-You know Molls has an internet following.

J-What?

B-Oh yes. Madame Mollyskova's Sun Yoga. She has this vaguely Russian fantasy going.

J-Molls is conducting yoga sessions....
B-See...

 Figure 3

I call this the Dead Mouse in the Library Pose. Start on your left side, extend right arm and leg outward and Ladies, discreetly place your tail between your legs because you are, after all, Ladies. Breathe in and hold, then breathe out, letting go of all of your day's stress. Repeat 5 times then turn over to your right side.

J-Good grief. How many hits does she have>
B-Hmm let's see...oh 145,067. Evidently, they love her in Sweden and Estonia.
J-Where's the ad revenue??!!!
B-No ads.
J-OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, Molls-gets some ads!!!!
B-I  think she is going for fame rather than fortune,buddy.
J-Maru made a fortune for it's Japanese Mommy-time for Molls to help finance that expense kibble I have to buy to maintain her...uh....slender physique. 
J-Unbelievable. 
B-Shrug-I think it is quite admirable.
J-What a suck up. I see you're still chummy with her.
B-Why not? She has been quite good at putting the Calico in her place. You witnessed that yourself the other night.
J-(snort) Yeah, Cali didn't see that one coming.
B-And so, I do not mind adding a little mild support to her efforts.
J-Read "The Prince" eh?
B-Required reading from where I am from. Well, have a Happy Big Noise Day or whatever it is you apes are celebrating.
J-Oh, aren't we blase? It's an important day in the history of our nation.
B-Hmm, one of many. You come and you go. Tis the way of things. Speaking of which, I am a tad peckish. I wonder if a nice helping of pate is in order after this blogging session comes to a close.
J-What's with the formality-you been reading Wodehouse? 
B-My dear ape, I can't possibly understand what you mean.
J-C'mon, let's get you some grub. 
B-Oh, that is so very good of you sir, you are such a gentleman and so generously thoughtful of you to take my needs under your consideration.
J-Give me strength. 

Saving Little Stampy

One morning this week, I was weeding the East Garden which was in particular need after the recent four inches of rain. I had just started when I heard a rustling by the evergreens along the foundation of the house. Next to the plantings is an egress to the basement bedroom and when I leaned over the edge, I saw a little fluff ball of black and white in a corner: a baby skunk. I have never seen one before and this little guy joins our menagerie of young critters this year. We have a baby squirrel who has a creamy white belly and moves with a vigorous springy hop. And for the first time after several years of residence, we have a family of woodchucks-Mom and Dad and 2 chuckettes. They are quite fond of the snow-on-the-mountain which up to now, was luxurious until the 'chucks decided that they have a handy salad bar outside of their home under the shed.

Our skunk population (at least those that have been sighted under the bird feeder) consists of a huge mature guy who is nearly all white with a black head and side body stripes and two smaller ones with various head and body markings. We refer to them as Stampies, a moniker earned after a close call C had with one last summer. She had gone out at twilight to fetch a drying swimsuit from the pool railing and had not noticed a skunk about 10 feet away under the bird feeder. That is, until he began to chitter. According to C, as she froze in her tracks awaiting a potential blast of skunk spray, the skunk began to stamp his front feet. She was able to back away and safely got back into the house. Close one! She googled skunk behavior and learned there are distinct warnings given by one when he feels threatened: chittering, stamping of the front feet, turning around and raising the tail and finally, the nuclear option. This is how Mr. Stampy got his name.

So, upon seeing Lil Stampy, I immediately went and got C to come and see. He evidently heard us as he began to chitter and make canine-like whining noises. C felt these were signals of distress and set about getting him out of the egress. This is a 5x5 foot opening in the ground probably 6 foot deep. We had earlier incidents with critters getting down there and trapping themselves so we had angled in a 2x4x8 piece of lumber to help them get out. C thought it was too narrow and conceived of a plan of wrapping some long carpet remnants to the lumber to aid Lil Stampy's exit. She  turned the lumber so that the wider facet was accessible. I went downstairs to the bedroom and looked through the window to see how he was doing and he was gone! C said- naw-he's in the near corner and can't be seen. I went outside to see and I gingerly leaned over the egress opening and was thrilled-indeed, in the span of time of me turning the lumber and going downstairs, Lil Stampy had gotten out! I said as much and as I turned, feeling C coming up behind me, I caught a glimpse of a dark face with a white forehead blaze poking his nose out of the shadows of the nearby evergreen. Ohhh nooooooo! I immediately started backing up and nearly bowled C over out of her flip-flops. She got about 3 words of annoyance out before she caught sight of Stampy as well. In that instant, I saw her eyes widen and she slammed her body into reverse. We fled into the house and for a couple of minutes, shook our heads and laughed at our fortunate escape as well as Mr. Stampy's. I went back out and nosed around the corner of the burning bush to see if he was still there but he was gone. For a fleeting moment, I worried that he had wandered off along the foundation and had run into Bin in one of his favorite snoozing spots but Bin soon trotted up, odorless and yowling for pate. 

Photo: animal-zone.com

Save The Glutens!

Have you been wondering why so many products lately have the "Gluten-Free" label? Is some obscure critter being used by Big Ag to the point of extinction? Is there a campaign to save them?

As a matter of fact, yes there is! Meet Euchoreutes Naso Glutencilia commonly known as the Gluten Jerboa. They exist in temperate climes all over the world and are nocturnal. This is not a Photoshopped picture. I know, he looks like he was put together by a committee of UC-Davis biogenetic techs during a drunken weekend at the Ramada Inn in Yuba City. And noooooo, he is not a relative of the Jackalope-geez, that's just some rot gut whisky cowboy myth.

Nope, this little guy is just a rodent who reproduces like mad and, most importantly, whose body fat contains a unique binding agent. Once euthanized, Glutens are dried in kilns to reduce them to a powder, ground very fine and when added to water, becomes a very strong, resilient and cheap binder. 

This was first discovered during World War II in one of the Nazi's notorious concentration camp labs. Of course, this knowledge was suppressed by the Allies as were so many other results of Nazi research now commonly found today in household products and food ingredients. You have no idea, people. It's more than just Werner Van Braun and his missile technology that we "borrowed."

However, the widespread use of Glutens over the past 70 years has pushed them to the brink of extinction. So, join the campaign! If you gave up cow, Krispy Kremes, Pepsi,caffeine, Cheetos and low PH water, don't you think you go the extra mile for the Glutens?  If you told Charlie Tuna to "go shove it" until his product was dolphin-free, then you can look for the Gluten-free label when you shop. Don't let another species get snuffed out of existence as a result of Big Ag's massive use of our dwindling resources!

Photo credit:Twitter@TheGiraffeGirlX via BuzzFeed.com

Happy Anniversary, Sweetzi!

Year three!!

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Nice night

B-Yeah it is. (rolling on ground) oh, it feels so good to have it warm at night.

J-Look at you, man-getting stuff all over your coat. You're worse than a kid.

I thought cats were fastidious about their appearance.

B-It provides a good reason to get someone else to groom us!

J-Are you always so calculating? Sheesh. If it's not this, it's about finagling some pate.

B-We have simple needs-you apes should learn from us.

J-Oh, here it comes.

B-Just sayin'-you all would suffer less. Speaking of suffering, how's the new job?

J-Shrug-it's grocery. It's retail. This place is messed up. But then, it feeds into my hypercritical side. I've come from much more demanding places. Here, it's like the old Saturday Night Live skit about online dating for the plain looking, “Diminished Expectations”-everything is inefficient, the computer systems break down and make no sense. It's like working in an former Soviet Union state but there is no one to bribe to make it better. Plus, everyone has this air of resignation-”things are fucked up and there is nothing we can do about it so we make do with what we have and we are ok with that.” WTF.

B-I dunno man, that sounds pretty healthy to me.

J-No goddamned way to run a business.

B-Sigh-well, keep applying and hopefully something better will come up.

J-Well, at least I am getting in shape but gawd, I hurt all the time.

B-(head rub) I'm sorry buddy.

J-Plus-dealing with the crazies. OMG. The needy, the angry, the attention black holes. I'm getting plenty of billable hours! But Christ on a crutch, do I wear a collar?

B-Ah, the joys of retail.

J-FU pal, you've never ran register for 8 hours.

B-True, I just sprawled on the counter and looked cute and needy for scritches.

J-I gotta bone to pick with you, bud.

B-Oh what now?

J-STOP BRINGING IN BABY BUNS. IT REALLY UPSETS MOM.

B-Bu..bu..I thought Mom like the bunnies so I brought them in. They are so cute.

J-NOT WHEN THEY ARE DEAD.

B-Last two haven't been.

J-Dude, just stop it. Poor things.

B-Oh, all right. Geez, try and do a good thing and look what happens.

J-I appreciate the thought but consider how it freaks out the bun.

B-As a rule, you know, other beings feelings are not on the top of our list. After all, according to some, we are psychopathic serial killers.

J-Sigh, leave them alone.

M-Hello boys.

B-Bon Soir Madame.

J-Hey Molls.

M-What a fine evening it is.

B-Indeed madame.

J-(suck up)

M-Would you boys be interested in joining my yoga club?

B-uhhhhhh

J-You have a yoga club??

M-Yes, cat yoga. I think it has some promise, a niche as you apes call it.

J-Ooooookkkkkkkkk-what makes it different from other yoga.

M-Well! Me of course!!

B-(oh be careful, dude)

J-I see, aside from your esteemed leadership, how is this practice unique from other yoga.

B-(well put, man)

M-It's gentle stretching while maintaining a ladylike pose. Here is an example:

 B-Yes madame, your tail is placement is the paramount of feline modesty.

J-(cough-bullshit)

B-(shaddup)

M-You are very perceptive for a provincial, my dear boy.

B-Thank you madame. I think, however, your style lends more to the feminine gesture which would be inappropriate for myself and Dad to participate. We appreciate your kind offer.

M-Yes, you are quite right. Well, see you boys around. Bin, be a dear-are the mice out tonight.

B-Not particularly, madame.

M-Then I shall rest. Ta!

J-Dude, thanks.

B-No problem. (stretching) So nice to have her on my side.

J-And the Calico?

B-Crazy as ever, man.

B-Hey-happy anniversary to you and Mom!!

J-Thanks,man. Do you remember that day?

B-Oh yeah-it was grand! Great cake!!

J-Yeah, it was.

B-How's Mom?

J-Well, cutting is done, poisoning is done, now comes the burn.

B-(shudder) radiation

J-Yep.

B-Crazy shit, man.

J-Yep, I know-but hopefully for the last time.

B-Yeah. Mom was in a bad way-we could tell.

J-She is getting better every day.

B-Oh, nice warm breeze-I think I will go patrol.

J-DON'T BRING IT IN, WHATEVER IT IS.

B-You really have a thing about gifts.

J-Yes we do when it's a dead critter.

B-Any other species, we would be praised for our hospitality...

J-I'm sorry, we know you mean well-we just like stuff to stay alive.

B-Well, how about some parting pate?

J-Sure, if you won't leave half for the ants!

B-There's just no pleasing you, is there?

J-Oh, come on (pain in the ass feline).
B-I resemble that remark!

Two Guys Talkin'

B-What's shakin'!!!
J-Dude! What's up?
B-Long time, man!
J-Yeah, stuff going on. Happy Spring! Good to see the croak-asses in bloom.
B-You too! So glad the white crap is gone.Croak-asses, lol.
J-Oh, I hear ya. Damn it was cold.
B-You're telling me-I'm getting too old for this.
J-Well, at least you didn't get beat up on the path like last year. 
B-Me too! I haven't seen that asshole in awhile.
J-I haven't seen anyone, Mean White, BrownTigerFluffyTail...
B-Everyone's gone to ground. It was nice Monday. You were in shorts, you crazy ape.
J-Ohhh it was sooo nice out. Back to the cold now, sigh. 
B-Well how is Mom? We've been concerned-she hasn't seemed herself.
J-Hanging in there, thanks for asking. Only 3 more chemos to go. I'll be so glad when it is done with.
B-I'm sure she feels the same. She's been good at giving attention though, and Molls and I have spent extra time with her. Have we been too much?
J-A bit, to be honest but how would you know how to gauge? Keep up the good work and don't worry about it.
B-We don't want to be pests.
J-Not to worry. She'll let you know, lol.
B-How have you been holding up? 
J-Doing fine, man-thanks. Had my usual February depression but that has past.
B-How's the job search?
J-Meh. 
B-Hmm, that good?
J-Meh.
B-OOOOKkkkkkkkkkkkkk how about dem Tigers?
M-Hello boys
B-Madame
J-(surprised) Molls!!
J-(side of mouth to Bin) my we're chummy!
B-(side of mouth) Hush!
B-Tis a pleasant day, Madame! You are looking well!
M-Thank you Monsieur Bin. Hello mon cher Jeff.How is Maman?
J-Uhh..
B-(Mom you idiot!)
J-Oh, Molls-she is better right now. She is in the good period before the next chemo. Thanks for asking.
J-(buddy, you have some explaining to do)
B-(I will, go with the flow!)
M-(sitting down, upright) Poor woman, she has been feeling so poorly, I haven't know what to do for her.
J-Oh, Molls-you have been just fine. She appreciates your attention.
M-She helped birth my kittens you know and my poor dead Minn...
J-I know Molls.
M-What are you boys up to-why have you brought out this big shiny thing out of the shed?
J-First grilling of the season!
M-MMMMM-some tasty meat, I expect? Of course nothing for Maman, she is such a strange thing denying herself meat and dairy. I do not understand her.
J-Some nice pork tenderloins Molls. And asparagus,spring onions and mushrooms.
B-Mmm, yummers-piggy.
M-Oh, pig does sound tasty. I can't abide vegetables though.
J-But you eat grass..
B-(digs an elbow into J,uh oh)
M-(eyes narrowing) sharply: You know that is a digestif!!
J-Ah, yes. Oh course, Madame.
M-You wouldn't want me to upchuck all over your precious rug would you?
B-(Jesus, now you've done it!)
J-You are most correct, Madame and I apologize...(for whatever the hell has upset you)
M-I would greatly appreciate a scrap once you're done-not too spicy or too much pepper mind you.
J-It would be a pleasure, Madame.
M-(getting up and stretching) Well, au revoir boys, I'll see you at suppertime. I'm going in for a nap.
J-Until then Molls.
B-So long Madame.
J-What the hell was that about? Since when have you two been cozy? Madame?? Really? After, the Chunk, the Meat Loaf, Fatso...
B-We have a bit of an understanding these days, a detente.
J-Oh really? Mom so her slug the shit out of you the other night.
B-Shrug-she remains tempestuous. It is her nature.
J-My, we're forgiving. Ok, man-spill the beans.
B-You aren't going to like it.
J-What?"
B-What I just said. Ok, to be more specific, the circumstances of our new relationship.
J-Oh gawd. Let me hear it.
B-It was the Calico. Molls was very upset and offended by what the Calico did.
J-What did Tomi do.
B
J-Bin-what Did Tomi do, man?
B-She made fun of Mom.
J-What??
B-She made fun of Mom's lack of hair.
J-Why? I don't understand.
B-She was full of her self and  being snarky and made a comment about Mom being bald.
J-Does she not know the circumstances?
B-Not sure if she grasps it all. It's all about the look, I guess. I told you that feline was shallow.
J-This is beyond shallow-this is a serious lack of empathy-I realize you folk don't excel with this but still-a little respect. Unbelievable.
B-I was shocked. Molls was absolutely beside herself. She told me one freezing night on the back porch.
J-Well, this explains all the punches Molls has been throwing at Tomi. We thought it was Molls being irritable.
B-Nope. 
J-I am shocked. Tomi was her first.
B-Yeah and she never got over Mom getting any other.
J-She seemed to get along with Molls.
B-Well, it suited her. Another gal around to have sisterly feelings with. She couldn't be too mean to Minn being he was Molls' son. But once I came around..
J-We knew there was an alliance.
B-It was understandable. I was an outsider. Plus, God forgive me-I am not French,lol.
J-Of course.
J-I am so disappointed in her. How could she? 
B-I'm telling you, man-that feline is nuts.
J-This is really going to hurt Mom.
B-That's why we have kept quiet. Molls tolerates her but she will never trust her even if she is a fellow Parisian.
B-You notice Tomi has been keeping her distance, haven't you?
J-Indeed I have. She has really been a skitty kitty.
B-Well, I think she has caught on somewhat especially seeing Molls hanging out with me more. She knows something is up but not truly connected the dots. She ain't that bright.
J-What am I going to do?
B-Nothing you can do-what done is done. 
J-Stupid, stupid girl.
B-Ayup. Go get yourself a refill and let's start cooking.
J-Ok, man. Unbelievable.
B-She is what she is. You will just have to forgive her.
J-She needs to know what she has done.
B-Ain't gonna sink in. She is selfish, vain and wholly self-centered. And nuts. You can't reason with nuts.
J-I suppose not.
B-I'm sorry man-I know she was your daddy's girl and you liked the attention. But, there is not much there.
J-Evidently. C'mon, I'll get you a snack.
B-It's ok-let's get to cooking (tailing J's leg). Mmmmm piggggg.

The Big Melt and Saturday Night Music

We've had an entire week of sunny days and 40-50 degree temperatures. This is so welcome after the coldest February since 1978 and that by only a tenth of a degree. The snow is going fast and by Wednesday, crocus, tulips, daffs and day lilies were poking their heads in earnest above the mulch. Friday, when the afternoon high was 58 degrees, a couple of the crocus bloomed. Right on schedule before St.Paddy's Day!

From Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings: "Winter's Come and Gone"

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