Two Guys Talkin'

J-Nice night

B-Yeah it is. (rolling on ground) oh, it feels so good to have it warm at night.

J-Look at you, man-getting stuff all over your coat. You're worse than a kid.

I thought cats were fastidious about their appearance.

B-It provides a good reason to get someone else to groom us!

J-Are you always so calculating? Sheesh. If it's not this, it's about finagling some pate.

B-We have simple needs-you apes should learn from us.

J-Oh, here it comes.

B-Just sayin'-you all would suffer less. Speaking of suffering, how's the new job?

J-Shrug-it's grocery. It's retail. This place is messed up. But then, it feeds into my hypercritical side. I've come from much more demanding places. Here, it's like the old Saturday Night Live skit about online dating for the plain looking, “Diminished Expectations”-everything is inefficient, the computer systems break down and make no sense. It's like working in an former Soviet Union state but there is no one to bribe to make it better. Plus, everyone has this air of resignation-”things are fucked up and there is nothing we can do about it so we make do with what we have and we are ok with that.” WTF.

B-I dunno man, that sounds pretty healthy to me.

J-No goddamned way to run a business.

B-Sigh-well, keep applying and hopefully something better will come up.

J-Well, at least I am getting in shape but gawd, I hurt all the time.

B-(head rub) I'm sorry buddy.

J-Plus-dealing with the crazies. OMG. The needy, the angry, the attention black holes. I'm getting plenty of billable hours! But Christ on a crutch, do I wear a collar?

B-Ah, the joys of retail.

J-FU pal, you've never ran register for 8 hours.

B-True, I just sprawled on the counter and looked cute and needy for scritches.

J-I gotta bone to pick with you, bud.

B-Oh what now?

J-STOP BRINGING IN BABY BUNS. IT REALLY UPSETS MOM.

B-Bu..bu..I thought Mom like the bunnies so I brought them in. They are so cute.

J-NOT WHEN THEY ARE DEAD.

B-Last two haven't been.

J-Dude, just stop it. Poor things.

B-Oh, all right. Geez, try and do a good thing and look what happens.

J-I appreciate the thought but consider how it freaks out the bun.

B-As a rule, you know, other beings feelings are not on the top of our list. After all, according to some, we are psychopathic serial killers.

J-Sigh, leave them alone.

M-Hello boys.

B-Bon Soir Madame.

J-Hey Molls.

M-What a fine evening it is.

B-Indeed madame.

J-(suck up)

M-Would you boys be interested in joining my yoga club?

B-uhhhhhh

J-You have a yoga club??

M-Yes, cat yoga. I think it has some promise, a niche as you apes call it.

J-Ooooookkkkkkkkk-what makes it different from other yoga.

M-Well! Me of course!!

B-(oh be careful, dude)

J-I see, aside from your esteemed leadership, how is this practice unique from other yoga.

B-(well put, man)

M-It's gentle stretching while maintaining a ladylike pose. Here is an example:

 B-Yes madame, your tail is placement is the paramount of feline modesty.

J-(cough-bullshit)

B-(shaddup)

M-You are very perceptive for a provincial, my dear boy.

B-Thank you madame. I think, however, your style lends more to the feminine gesture which would be inappropriate for myself and Dad to participate. We appreciate your kind offer.

M-Yes, you are quite right. Well, see you boys around. Bin, be a dear-are the mice out tonight.

B-Not particularly, madame.

M-Then I shall rest. Ta!

J-Dude, thanks.

B-No problem. (stretching) So nice to have her on my side.

J-And the Calico?

B-Crazy as ever, man.

B-Hey-happy anniversary to you and Mom!!

J-Thanks,man. Do you remember that day?

B-Oh yeah-it was grand! Great cake!!

J-Yeah, it was.

B-How's Mom?

J-Well, cutting is done, poisoning is done, now comes the burn.

B-(shudder) radiation

J-Yep.

B-Crazy shit, man.

J-Yep, I know-but hopefully for the last time.

B-Yeah. Mom was in a bad way-we could tell.

J-She is getting better every day.

B-Oh, nice warm breeze-I think I will go patrol.

J-DON'T BRING IT IN, WHATEVER IT IS.

B-You really have a thing about gifts.

J-Yes we do when it's a dead critter.

B-Any other species, we would be praised for our hospitality...

J-I'm sorry, we know you mean well-we just like stuff to stay alive.

B-Well, how about some parting pate?

J-Sure, if you won't leave half for the ants!

B-There's just no pleasing you, is there?

J-Oh, come on (pain in the ass feline).
B-I resemble that remark!