Two Guys Talkin'

J-Hey dude, you're healing up nicely.

B-Yeah.

J-You old gladiator (scritching left ear)-you forgot to duck again.

B-I bring up a John Wayne quote from his last film “The Shootist”:

I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. And I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.

J-Who was it this time?

B-Oh, that tuxedo cat, the one who ignored Mom when she hollered at him.

J-Where is he from?

B-Condotrash.

J-What was he doing here?

B-Precisely my question to him. Son of a bitch thinks he can just saunter on my turf like he owns it.

J-He bit you under the eye, man!

B-I get up close and personal with these mofos. Have to since they took my claws and balls.....bastards!

J-Oh here we go.

B-How am I supposed to fight? Then YOU have the Ms. Poke Something Up My Ass trim what I have left.

J-Dude, now just calm down. That wound was as big as a quarter and you kept opening the scab.

B-It itched.

J-I know but we had to get some antibiotic in you and the vet thought it was wise to dull your claws a bit so you could heal.

B-But it's all I got.

J-I know buddy but we had to give you a chance to heal up. You heard her-you're getting too old for this shit.

B-Never too old to protect what's mine.

J-Sigh. And we thank you for your service and recognize your sacrifices. Man, you're all beat up-you're like one of those old boxers. At least your ears are intact.

B-Well, as the old joke goes-If you think this is bad, you should see how the other guy looks! That fucker won't be back for awhile.

J-Well, so much for this being a family column. And I'm not going to even ask. Glad you and the girls have avoided Big Stampy.

B-What is with that thing-gawd it stinks.

J-So, even when it doesn't squirt, it stinks?

B-Lord yes. And what is up with the mosquitoes?

J-Ten inches of rain.

B-It's awful out there. Can't snooze in my favorite spots.

J-Shit, I have to practically wear netting just to pick the raspberries.

B-No pool this year? I mean, I don't swim but you guys usually have it opened.

J-Too cold and Mom can't get into the sun because of the radiation treatments.

B-Ohhhh. Her hair's coming back. That's a good thing.

J-Yes, it is. She should have a nice butch cut by the time school starts.

B-Stylish.

J-Are we being sarcastic?

B-No, no. I see a lot of short hairs and pixie cuts out there.

J-Uhhh, like where?

B-Oh, around.

J-OOOKKKK-well, you guys better lay low next couple of nights. Fireworks time.

B-Oh Gawd yes. Hurts our ears. Why are you apes so noisy?

J-I dunno-I don't do it. I gotta get up in the morning.

B-Ah, yes. How are things in Retail Hell?

J-Same old crap. Crazy fuckin' people. Great black holes of need. Emotional vampires. Sigh-a lot of suffering out there.

B-Shrug-goes with being alive. What's that old Jewish saying-Life-life is trouble.

J-Yep it sure can be at times.

B-Yawn, apes should take more naps. So how's Mom doing?

J-Better, thanks. Only a couple weeks left of getting zapped. Eating and sleeping decently. Spirits better although she was bummed that one of her colleagues has just been diagnosed.

B-Oufff-sorry man.

J-Yeah thanks.

J-Pretty historic week recently.

B-Oh, the marriage equality thing. Yeah-we can't figure what the problem is with you apes on this issue. Love is love.

J-It's the crazy God people.

B-Oi vey. All that crap made sense 5000 years ago when they were just a starving tribe trying to survive in a hostile desert environment. Pretty high infant mortality rate so when it came to that sort of same-sex intimacy-ok folks, for the future of the tribe-let's put our efforts toward making babies. Then someone came up with the idea of enforcement: Big Daddy in the Sky. Can't see him but HE CAN SEE YOU and brother, he will fuck you up if you don't get with the program so y'all betta pay attention!

J-In a nutshell, yup!

B-Well, good for the gay folk and all the other in that endless acronym. Love is love*.

(*amongst consenting adults. Does not apply to adult/minor or inter-species encounters except in 4 unspecified counties in Utah, Florida and Alabama. Individual results may vary.)

B-You know Molls has an internet following.

J-What?

B-Oh yes. Madame Mollyskova's Sun Yoga. She has this vaguely Russian fantasy going.

J-Molls is conducting yoga sessions....
B-See...

 Figure 3

I call this the Dead Mouse in the Library Pose. Start on your left side, extend right arm and leg outward and Ladies, discreetly place your tail between your legs because you are, after all, Ladies. Breathe in and hold, then breathe out, letting go of all of your day's stress. Repeat 5 times then turn over to your right side.

J-Good grief. How many hits does she have>
B-Hmm let's see...oh 145,067. Evidently, they love her in Sweden and Estonia.
J-Where's the ad revenue??!!!
B-No ads.
J-OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, Molls-gets some ads!!!!
B-I  think she is going for fame rather than fortune,buddy.
J-Maru made a fortune for it's Japanese Mommy-time for Molls to help finance that expense kibble I have to buy to maintain her...uh....slender physique. 
J-Unbelievable. 
B-Shrug-I think it is quite admirable.
J-What a suck up. I see you're still chummy with her.
B-Why not? She has been quite good at putting the Calico in her place. You witnessed that yourself the other night.
J-(snort) Yeah, Cali didn't see that one coming.
B-And so, I do not mind adding a little mild support to her efforts.
J-Read "The Prince" eh?
B-Required reading from where I am from. Well, have a Happy Big Noise Day or whatever it is you apes are celebrating.
J-Oh, aren't we blase? It's an important day in the history of our nation.
B-Hmm, one of many. You come and you go. Tis the way of things. Speaking of which, I am a tad peckish. I wonder if a nice helping of pate is in order after this blogging session comes to a close.
J-What's with the formality-you been reading Wodehouse? 
B-My dear ape, I can't possibly understand what you mean.
J-C'mon, let's get you some grub. 
B-Oh, that is so very good of you sir, you are such a gentleman and so generously thoughtful of you to take my needs under your consideration.
J-Give me strength.