On October 13, 2021, the actor William Shatner flew into space and back aboard Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket becoming the oldest person to do so at age 90. While the flight itself was uneventful, the event and landing sparked a wide range of comments from across the globe, much of which was negative. Many wondered why Shatner seemingly agreed to become a shill for the less than popular billionaire. Others were more dismissive, pronouncing the Star Trek actor as "a fool". Inquiring minds wanted to know so we at The Real Fake News Network, dug around to find the truth. And it's a REAL shocker.
The flight was a failed attempt at assisted suicide.
Our sources say that Bill had approached Jeff with a proposition. He was weary of life but didn't want his legacy to end with death by suicide. Ever the scene chewing ham with an ego to match, he wanted to go out with a bang. Why not some sort of accident? He had a dodgy ticker and figured that the stress from the 5.5 g's pulled during liftoff would probably kill him. Space tourists and astronauts have reported that 5.5 g makes it quite hard to move ones legs and arms. If not a heart attack, maybe a brain aneurysm, Bill thought. To help matters, he decided to go off his meds for a couple of weeks and exclusively eat at his beloved In and Out Burgers which had been forbidden by the docs.
Jeff Bezos didn't bat an eye upon hearing Bill's idea. "Think of the PR synergy! Oh my God" thought Jeff, "you couldn't script this!! Captain Kirk flying in one of his spaceships!" He felt a slight erection coming on, a peculiar habit of his body whenever he encountered a golden opportunity. Shatner's physicians would have to sign off, of course, but no big deal. He had always been a fan of Star Trek since childhood and now, he was able to help the aging star out. Suicide, smooicide. It's a win, win situation baby!
Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. Bill goes up, Bill comes down. Bill survives. While his televised babbling and blubbering statements seen across the planet were thought to express his feelings about his extraordinary experience, in truth they were about something entirely different.
He was astonished to still be alive.
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