Happy Solstice/Saturday Night Music

Perfect summer music: from 1962, the Drifters-Up on the Roof. Lyrics by Gerry Goffin who passed this week, music by his wife, Carole King.

2 Guys Talkin'

B-Hey, is it nice and warm in here! Friggin' freezing in the house. And this is June?

J-Yeah, we keep Mr C's room toasty. How are you feeling?

B-Better thanks. Still a bit stiff in that joint and I don't have the power I used to have to jump. Getting old I guess.

J-Well, Mom and I were pretty concerned. I'm sorry we didn't get you to the docs sooner but we didn't know. And after Molls evidently recovering from the same thing, we thought you'd be ok.

B-No worries, man. I thought it would clear up by itself too. Then I got this golf ball thing growing on my haunch and I was concerned as well.

J-So, what happened?

B-Big Black jumped me.

J-Ohhh, we wondered. Same one that nailed you in the face during the snow canyon fight?

B-Yep, same bastard.

J-He was trying to come in through the portal?

B-Actually, it started with Princess.

J-What??!! Did she get Big Black to beat you up??? That lil bit...

B-NO NO-Big Black was moving on her!!

J-Nooo, you mean....no....she's never in heat, she's been fixed...

B-It can still be an act of asserting dominance.

J-So what happened?

B-It's a nice spring night-I'm chilling on the front porch-you guys had gone to bed and up tearing across the lawn comes Princess with something big right behind her. She hits the portal in one go. Well, I was a bit startled because I was drowsing and when I am fully focused, I realized Big Black is on the bench looking into the portal. Saying all sorts of things to Princess and to The Chunk as well. Filthy stuff. I crouched and growled and he just turned and said “Oh, if it isn't Small Stuff. Want some more of what you got this winter? Yeah, I think that's a good idea” and he was on me before I knew it. Whupped me across the head with the hardest right hook I have ever had. Man, I was seeing stars and as I turned to get away, I heard him roar “I am gonna bite your ass off, boy”. I felt him chomp down on my right haunch. I think you heard me scream because the girls said later that you came out into the library. Anyway, after he bit me, he laughed, said “so long Small Stuff, I'll be getting back to your womenfolk later” and ran off.

J-What an ass!!!

B-No shit. He got me good, man and I was in a world of hurt. I was so grateful that you saw me and opened the door. I'm not sure I could have made it through the portal. The rest you know.

J-So, that's why the Calico has been decent to you: she OWES you. I take it that this means something to you guys.

B-It sure as hell does and believe me-I will remind her of it until the end of my days. Ha! It's already just killing her to be nice.

J-LOL I bet. Well, what's fair is fair. Sorry about your fur-gawd they really shaved a chunk off.

B-Whattya gonna do. Shrug. It's growing back and really, at my age-I don't give a shit. But having said that, I appreciate you not posting a pic.

J-No problem-I'm self-conscious enough for both of us, lol. You having problems at The Diner?

B-Yeah, can't jump worth a damn. Benny has been kind enough to put the bowl on the chair for me. He is a pretty decent guy.

J-Yeah he is.

J-Man, just how many fights have you been in? When they shaved you, they found a bunch of scars. You really are an old gladiator.

B-Just how it is. I don't take shit from no one but it does seem like trouble comes to me much of the time.

J-Just what is Big Black's problem?

B-Shrug-some cats are like that. I suspect he was cut late. And he is big. The big ones can either be really laid back because they know no one will mess with them or they get these oversized egos and swagger around like they still have them swinging. (eye roll) You know the type.

J-Ayup. Well, I am glad he doesn't live next door. Gawd, what a nightmare.

B-It would be. Princess would never go out and be more of a nervous wreck than she already is. The Grey-I dunno, man-I don't think she has fought much but she is one helluva killer. I think she would be one tough broad in a street fight. You know, she has been quite maternal towards me and I have quite touched by that. 

B-At any rate, it would be some tense times around here. And, I am just getting too old for this crap.

J-Sigh. I know buddy. Part of me would advise you to just run but I know that's not in your nature. Ronins do not retire.

B-Well, you are romanticizing this a bit but I appreciate the thought.

B- That reptile doesn't do much does he? You know, I have had no communication with him which is a first. I've always been able to talk to others. Not this guy.

J-I know-he is curious isn't he? I guess he prefers to keep to himself.

B-Yep. To each his own. Welp-how about a snack before I take a nap?

J-Sure, bud. We just opened a can. So how long before the Calico cracks and reverts to her old meanness?

B-Oh, any day now. It's ok. All I have to do is point back to the haunch and watch her squirm with shame. Fabulous! The gift that will never quit giving!

Boy, Are They In Trouble

One of our enduring jokes here in America concerns our meteorologists: these folks can be inaccurate a good chunk of the time and still keep their jobs. Haven't we all  watched the guy on channel 6 forecast a 20% chance of rain while it is coming down in buckets outside our window? WTF!! we mutter.

Well, our boys and girls in the polyester blazers should start counting their blessings and be thankful they aren't working in North Korea. Good forecasting there could be a matter of life or death.

According to North Korea's official newspaper Rodong Sinmun, glorious leader Kim Jong Un paid a visit to the country's meteorological institute for a chat. Or rather a rant about the poor forecasting. It seems it has finally come to his attention that his people have been starving for the past 20 years for a variety of reasons including those weather related. It also appears that he does not have his father's special powers (it was officially reported that Kim Jong Il could control the weather based on his moods*).

While he did cut the weathermen some slack by citing poor equipment (most likely 50 year old hand-me-downs from the Chinese) and outdated methodology (most likely 50 year old hand-me-downs from the Russians), Kim Jong Un by all reports was red-faced and bellowing at the ashen-faced staff to "Get It Right". The nation's security and people's well-being was dependent on accurate forecasting, he further asserted thus implying inaccuracy could theoretically be considered treasonous.

Rodong Sinmun released this photo of the incident and thanks to our contact in the NSA, we have a transcript of what was said at the time it was taken. While the caption is fictitious, it's absurd reasoning of introducing coin-flipping as a valid addition to the scientific method comes uncomfortably close to our reality of science denying politicians. Climate change?What climate change. Boy, are we in trouble.



"How hard can it be? If you say there is a 50% chance of it raining, then I should be

able to flip a coin anytime during the day and have rain half the time. I'm not asking

for much, just that you should be right. What am I paying you for? Do I have to do

everything myself??"


Photo: Rodong Sinmun-truly, I didn't make this up.



Deja-vu Thirty-Nine Years Later

1975-North Vietnamese troops enter Da Nang, South Vietnam



2014-ISIS Troops enter Mosul, Iraq

Same mistake, same outcome 39 years apart. The guys running the show in Washington just don't learn. The only good news: Vietnam cost us 58,209 lives, Iraq 4,804. I doubt in 20 years, ISIS or whatever manifestation it may be in at that point will be as inclined to be the money-making buddies with Nike as the Vietnamese were.



Top photo-Wikipedia
Bottom photo-Reuters

 



June 5, 1989

How the world remembers:

 

 

How the Chinese government would like world to remember:

 

Nothing to see here, nothing happened, move along.

  

AP Photo/Jeff Widener

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those Crazy Americans or Our First World Problems on Parade!

What is WRONG with people??!!

by KING 5 Seattle Healthlink

Posted on May 9, 2014 at 6:11 pm

Updated Tuesday, May 13 at 10:37 am

Since the boom in the local foods movement, experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have noticed a spike in something else: salmonella.

 

It seems more people are getting sick from their backyard chickens, and it may be because they are getting a little too friendly with their flock.

Chickens are not only a source of fresh eggs. They can also be a source of sickness.

“People just don’t know that healthy chickens, ducks and other poultry carry germs like salmonella,” said Casey Barton Behravesh, a zoonotic disease expert with the CDC.

Over the past two decades, there have been more than 2,000 reported cases of salmonella linked to live poultry. Five people have died.

The latest outbreak was linked to chicks supplied by a mail-order hatchery in Ohio. More than 60 people in 23 states have fallen ill, including one in Washington. The true number affected is likely higher, but so far there have been no deaths.

“For every single case of salmonella infection that’s reported to public health officials, CDC studies estimate that there’s as many at 29 others out there,” said Behravesh.

A majority of patients are young children. Cases often spike after Easter when parents order chicks as gifts.

Most illnesses occur when chicken owners treat their birds like family, bringing them into their homes. More than one in 10 owners admits to kissing their birds.
 And I wonder how many kiss on the lips???-editor

“Don’t kiss the bird!” said Behravesh. “You can show your affections in other ways with a simple pet or something like that.”

While there’s no need to limit your interactions with chickens, do not let them in the house and wash your hands.

The hatchery released a statement saying they are working with the USDA on a voluntary salmonella reduction program.

Happy Anniversary

Two years! Our friends Steve and Sue sent a lovely card entitled Owl and the Pussycat: The Journey Continues. Yep, that's us-an unlikely couple of a Water Girl and a Woodland Creature. To invoke both last year's celebration in Bimini and Mr. Lear's enduring poem:

 

 

They danced by the light of the moon.

 

 

Heidi Swedberg and Daniel Ward performing a charming ukulele duet

and inspired reading of the Owl and the Pussycat.

 

Happy Anniversary to you, with much love, my dear Watergirl.

 

 

Original photo courtesy of Gizmodo.com.au



Same Time Next Year

At our feeder on Sunday afternoon: Rose Breasted Grosbeak

 

 

A better photo from Wiki:

 

 

About this time every year since we moved to our house, this little guy has stopped by for a day or two. He winters in Mexico/Central America and flies back here to breed. Helluva long way to go to perpetuate the species! I wonder if it's the same bird or perhaps this location was passed along in the genetics of his offspring. Or, do birds have Trip Advisor?



 

AVIAN TRIPADVISOR

 

 

Name: Sunset Drive Wildlife Habitat  *****

Owners: C and Jeff

Location:  42.73N 84.65 W

 

Description: Lovely habitat for residence or stopover. Healthy food, comfortable lodging. Fairly quiet residential area close to large woods, ponds, stream.

 

Amenities: Feeder, birdbath with larger pool nearby, trees of all sizes, shrubs, good undergrowth. Expanse of lawn for wormers.

 

Reviews:

 

***** I live here all year and I can't say enough good about this place. C and Jeff are great, the feeder is always filled even when it's cold and snowy. They even put out extra goodies like suet and bread.

A. Chickadee

 

**** I don't know what Sparrow's problem was-we had a wonderful time and will return next year. A. Bluebird

 

Trip Advisor administrator: A. Sparrow has been blocked due to violation of site agreement.

 

F-U Red!!! A. Sparrow.

 

Yes, it does seem that Sparrow is holding a grudge. And who knows this really happened. He could just be a troll. Poor baby didn't get anyone to mate with so he's lashing out. Go away sparrow. A. Cardinal

 

Re-Re-Deathtrap-Oh, it's always easy for you to say-you big birds never get picked on. Well, let me tell you, I lost 3 cousins at that place. Watch out for the fat, grey cat-who knew that lump could be so quick. A. Sparrow

 

Re-Deathtrap-Sure, we saw the cats but they never bothered us. You do need to keep your wits about you at all times, for crying out loud. What a whiner. A. Blue Jay

 

* Are you birds insane? What they don't tell you and evidently no one has had the brains to mention-this place is a damn deathtrap. THEY HAVE 3 CATS!!! They don't call it SUNSET for nothing!!! You stay there and it will be your last day on Earth. A. Sparrow

 

*****Great place, good chow. Plenty of tall trees to holler at the ladies. I stay here year-round. A. Cardinal

 

***** Very nice-I stop by every year after wintering in Mexico. Tasty food and the bird bath is always wonderful. I love the nearby pond. A. Grosbeak

 







Spring

Molls murdered a baby squirrel today bringing it in to C's study as an offering. Poor thing-it was barely six inches long. I buried it in the back 40. I need to get over these things-the crew do what they do as they are hunters but this event shadowed the entire day. Nice day to work, though-mid-60's-I screened the compost pile began the first year we arrived-gosh, it's four years. Just let the day flow-weeded, moved stuff out of the shed-the planters, the bird bath. Wind came up around 3pm and it turned cold. Mr. C seems to have adapted ok to his new digs in my study-he is beginning to molt-thank goodness C looked it up otherwise I would have freaked. He is a strange critter unlike the katters with whom one interacts. He just spends his days slowly moving around, occasionally zipping out his extraordinarily long tongue to snag a cricket for a snack. Otherwise, seemingly unmoved by anything I do despite the warnings of pet store employees-"Oh, they are difficult. Prone to heart attacks. Anything can set them down a fatal path". Great.

Saturday Night Music

War's 1971 existential "Slippin' into Darkness"
begins with a piney woods Baptist testifyin' slamming
 into some of the best funk grooves of the decade.
Can I get a witness??!!!! OOOOhh take my mind beyond the trees!!!
Mercy!

The Boss covers traditional antebellum negro spiritual:  "O Mary Don't You Weep" 

Saturday Night Music

Dana Falconberry's Possum Song

Two Guys Talkin'

B-What the hell, man!  

J-Well, hello to you too.

B-What is going on around here?

J-I don't know what you are talking about. Calm down and watch your claws.

B-Don't be coy with me pal. Mom's not here very much and you are here quite a bit. And what the hell is going on in the basement?

J-You are going to give yourself a stroke. Now relax. It's end of term so Mom is working a lot.

B-Ok, what's your excuse? Why aren't you leaving in the morning?

J-Well, bud-I lost my job.

B-WHAT!!?? Are we going to starve? Are we going to become homeless?? Oh, oh, oh.

J-Dude, stop it. Mom is still working-we are going to be ok. The food dish won't go empty although everyone could lose a few lbs.

B-Yeah, well you resemble that remark.

J-My, we can get ugly. Look, the company I worked for is moving to Florida and no one up here was invited to go along. It's all good-I'm going back to school to get training for a new job and in fact, I'll be adhering more to my old schedule for the next couple of weeks. And...after next week, Mom will be home all the time until August.

B-Yaayyyy!!!

J-Well, I hope that is for both of us.

B-Uhh, sure-glad for you, man.

J-That's not exactly effusive. Does everything revolve around food and attention with you?

B-Is there anything else? Remember, we don't give a shit about war and building stuff like you apes. Oh, you need to add sleeping to that list. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up, thank you very much.

B-Now, what about the basement and yes those are my back claws in your upper thigh.

J-Are you trying to rendition me, asshole?
 

B-Do I look like Rumsfeld to you? C'mon, now. I just want you to share.

J-All right, all right. Mom agreed to help out one of her Chinese students.

B-By taking care of his small tree that is enclosed in a screened-in box? Hmm, this is beginning to smell.

J-Sigh, well what goes in the box is the guy's chameleon.

B-Say what?

J-Yep. A reptile.

B-HAVE YOU TWO COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MINDS ??

J-Now come on, you are getting worked up for nothing. He doesn't do anything, just hangs on to the side of the box.

B-Ya know, we tolerate you guys feeding those filthy birds and those tree rodents but now a reptile.

J-At least it's not a snake.

B-Dude (shudder) don't even mention those things -they give me the willies.

J-Me too. Look, it's only for a couple of months, we are closing off the basement bedroom-he won't bother you-you won't bother him. Everything is cool.

B-I dunno man, I don't like all these changes.

J-(scritching behind an ear) I know buddy. It's going to be ok. What are the girls thinking?

B-Well, Psycho thinks it's something for her-typical, eh? And Fatso thinks it's something against her although I have no idea how she connected the dots and come up with that.
 

J-He'll be gone before you guys know it. 

B-What is he called?

J-Oddly, the student didn't give him a name. We call him Mr. C.

B-What?

J-Like Mr. T-he's kinda has this gruff looking exterior plus Mr. C for Mr. Chameleon.

B-That's lame but what are you gonna do. I don't know this Mr. T anyway.

J-You don't know the crappy 80's TV show The A Team?

 B-How about some visuals?

B-Uhh, the reptile wears jewelry?

J-No, that's just a joke. Geez.

B-I don't see the resemblance.

J-Are you purposely being obtuse?

B-No, I just think it's stupid.

J-Well, la-de-da. Why don't you just leave?

B-Boy haven't we been in a mood. You've been mean.
 

J-No, you have been extra needy and I have been busy.

B-Oh yes, those British spy series on You Tube must be part of your “studies”.

J-You can leave now. Don't let the door hit you in the tail.

B-Ok fine, I'll go see Mom.

J-She's busy-leave her alone.

B-I'll just go by her door and howl.

J-Nothing new about that. Run along now.

B-No snack?

J-Nope, you have a 'tude-no snack.

B-Oh and who has a 'tude? Fine, I'll tell Lard Ass to start bringing live mice in the house. You'll like that-with their bacteria-laden feces all over the place that you are so paranoid about. Hearing them scratching behind the drywall. Yeah, enjoy, asshole.

J-Oh for Christssakes, ok-c'mon-I'll get you a snack. Being 'effin blackmailed by a damn cat.

B-A proven strategy. Ahhh, score another one for the felines. A fresh can if you don't mind my good man-none of that corked, end of the can stuff you have been serving up. 

J-Hmm been watching Downton Tabby have you?
 

B-They do have the correct idea when it comes to staff.

What's said/What it really means.

Some friends at work and I played this game where you take  phrases and interpret what they really mean. From the government, politicians, dentists, girlfriends. The results look to be a mix of modern cynicism and Mad magazine. I'm sure you have many to add. Enjoy.

I’m not going to send our sons and daughters to fight overseas.

We’re going to war.

The people have spoken and we will respect their wishes.

We’re going to subvert the democratic process as much as possible and overturn these results.

This agency is committed to being transparent.

No, we aren’t. We strive to be obscure and if we say that we are transparent enough times, people will believe us.

Some assembly required.

You will need an advanced degree from M.I.T. to put this stupid bookcase together.

We’re dedicated to a loving and enlightened way of life in this community.

Only if you follow our ways exactly and without question. Otherwise, your

soul will be condemned to an eternity of damnation.

Professor, I don’t understand the assignment.      

I’ve had 3 weeks to work on the assignment but have not done a single thing on it.

 

But I worked so hard on this assignment.

I slapped it together this morning after I got home from the bar.

I am going to miss Friday’s test because my grandmother died and I have to go home.   

This is the fifth time grandma has died. I want to leave early so I can take the train to Chicago and hook up with my boyfriend.

 

It's not you, it's me.

Dude, it's you.

We’ve had no prior complaints concerning this, sir.   

We’ve had plenty of complaints but won’t fix the problem. In fact, it’s not a problem for us.

Honest officer, all I have had is a couple of beers.

True, only a couple of beers in the past hour. But I have been drinking for most of the afternoon. How come there’s three of you guys for a routine traffic stop?

You will feel a slight prick.

You will experience the worst pain in your life. I hope you don’t scream

too much.

 

I only ate a couple.

No, piglet you ate half the pan.

 

I'm only a bit behind in my payments.

 I haven't made a payment in six months but I really had a nice vacation in

Mexico.

 

We only did it once.

We've been screwing like rabbits for 6 months. In your bed, Mom and Dad.

Historic

Houston, we’ve had a problem.

HALF OF OUR F….G CAPSULE HAS BLOWN OFF.

Mistakes were made.

We illegally invaded a sovereign nation, the entire operation is a debacle

and we're getting our butts kicked by civilian militias.

 

It appears the president has experienced some distress during the

motorcade in Dallas, Texas.

Half of his head was shot off.

C’mon boys, we have them on the run.

-GA Custer, June 25, 1876.
Where the hell did all those Indians come from?

Inter-Species Fight Club

There's been a lot of action at the bird feeder now that spring has arrived and folks have awakened. Besides the birds and thankfully thwarted squirrels- coons, rabbits, skunks and possums have all been visiting. Under the baleful eyes of the crew of course, who are both curious and incensed by these intruders. This brought to mind an old piece that I wrote in 2010 and issued in serial form concerning the battle between my boss and the squirrels who were raiding the bird feeders at work. Here, I present the condensed version of:

IFC brings you world-wide coverage of species conflict over food, water, air, mates, land and ultimately, dominance of the planet Earth!!

Brought to you by Hopheader-The Prince of Beers, The Mammal Policy Center and Grasslands Forever who are proud sponsors of IFC, whose charter is to celebrate and exploit inter-species conflict for the entertainment of others.

IN THE RED CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 195 POUNDS AND STANDING 6 FEET, 2 AND ONE HALF INCHES....BOBBY (KILLER) DeMARCO

IN THE BLUE CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 5 AND THREE QUARTER POUNDS AND 14 INCHES IN LENGTH....BUBBA (BUDDHA GUT) SQUIRREL

THE STAKE: A DELTA TOWNSHIP BIRD FEEDER

Yes, fans, it's man vs cute furry critter!!! While both have hands, one has a brain the size of an acorn!!! Direct from an undisclosed corporate Bird Feeding Arena featuring it's brand new anti-squirrel flashing, this will no doubt be a fight talked about for some time!! Excerpts from last night's news conference with Bubba Squirrel's management team:

Speaking to reporters, Bubba's manager, Waldo (Pops) Leafbinder, said that he had contacted the HSL Group to give Bubba technical advice. HSL Group is a think-tank specializing in squirrel issues. "We have our best minds on the job" said Leafbinder. "It's just a matter of time and I am confident we will be victorious in this fight. There's a lot at stake here, Bubba has an unbroken string of victories". Jay Smith from Reuters pointed out that the vast majority of those victories were against common homeowners and little old ladies with limited resources. "Killer" DeMarco has corporate backing and therefore access to more money. "Bring him, his big brain and his daddy's big bucks ON" snorted Leafbinder. "Bubba will be eating both their lunch and dinner!!"

In related news, a representative from the SLF (Squirrel Liberation Front) threatened to escalate operations in the Delta Township area. Wearing the standard SLF uniform of black mask and red beret, the spokesman identified only as Comrade 176 said that this action by DeMarco is yet another example of human imperialism and species discrimination. "Isn't this typical of the humans. It's ok for birds to eat their food but not squirrels. We have the right to feed our families BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY." said Comrade 176. "We fully support the efforts of our brother. We may send covert teams into the suburbs to protest this unprovoked action."  Comrade 176 had no comment as to what specific operations might be launched.

The SLF was formed in 1976 as a loosely organized resistance group fighting the continuing human intrusion into squirrel lands. Following the devastating winter of 1978 when thousands of squirrels starved and froze to death, Alsop Branchflyer arose as a charismatic leader who unified the SLF into a single, cohesive movement. He preached a Marxist-based economy to prevent the 1978 holocaust from happening again as well as fighting for a separate homeland for the squirrel species. Branchflyer was assassinated by a homeowner in 1983 and since then, the SLF became more extreme in their efforts against humans. Wide scale organized attacks on human food supplies were launched by the now famous red bereted, black masked SLF special forces units. The SLF also sent suicide units who electrocuted themselves on power lines resulting in loss of service to homes. The group claimed responsibility for the  several regional regional blackouts but this has never been acknowledged by the authorities.

Round One

Today, Bubba and a rep from HSL were seen sizing up the feeders. Bubba made a couple of attempts to scale the pole but was unsuccessful.

We gotta score this:
Round one to "Killer" DeMarco!

Will Bubba succeed? How will he change his strategy? Will the SLF become involved or are they just posturing? These are the burning questions of our day, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned!

Round Two

It's Round 2 to DeMarco! And the fight is heating up!!!!

Apparently Bubba has been unable to breach DeMarco's defenses although there is evidence of attacks on two fronts. First, the direct approach. The bottom of the flashing shows signs of chewing. Secondly, Bubba was seen conferencing at the feeder with members of the crow and woodchuck factions. While his manager "Pops" Leafbinder would not comment on this development, it's thought this meeting comes on the advice of the HSL Group to broaden the assault.

This drew an immediate and furious response from SLF spokesman, Comrade 176. The SLF is well known for its specist apartheid policies. "We don't need any help from the likes of these" Comrade 176 said referring to the crow and woodchuck contingent. "Leafbinder is creating an unholy triad and the SLF will never support this kind of action." Leafbinder had no response.

In related news, an off-the-cuff comment by Mr. DeMarco at a Bassmasters event has ignited the rhetoric between the two camps. When asked by reporters what he thought of Bubba Squirrel and squirrels in general, DeMarco replied "the only good squirrel is a dead squirrel." The Leafbinder management team soon issued a statement expressing their shock at DeMarco's comment saying "...it is obvious to us that Mr. DeMarco has no honor as a fighter and we shall from this point forward treat him with none." A statement released by Fortino's managers says "Mr. DeMaro was making a quick joke and feels that it was taken out of context."

Comrade 176 of the SLF was not buying the explanation. Speaking to Jay Smith of Reuters, Comrade 176 barely contained fury was evident. "Mr. DeMarco's comment represents what we have maintained for years about human genocidal ambitions towards our species." He then burst into a furious pouring of Sqillisque, an ancient squirrel dialect that features a series of rapid, high pitches squealing and chattering with violent whipping motions of the tail. What he said is still being translated, however, the gist was certainly apparent. In response, Jay Smith could only say "wow."

Flash/Reuters:

Bobby "Killer" DeMarco  has scored a major upset over Bubba "Buddha Gut" Squirrel.

Bubba's manager "Pops" Leafbinder surprised the fight world by conceding the match to DeMarco at a hastily called press conference this morning. "We're throwing the towel" said a tearful Leafbinder. "Bubba is done wore out. He has lost a tooth and his mental condition is in question". Bubba has been undefeated up to this point and Leafbinder indicated that he was not available for interviews.

DeMarco's camp was just as surprised at the announcement. DeMarco was on his way to a gun show when a reporter broke the news to him. "Wow, I thought Buddha Gut had more left in him. I mean, he was getting help from the other critters and those idiots from the SLF. Wow." "Bubba is a legend and it was a great honor to fight him" a clearly emotional DeMarco added. "I didn't mean what I said-that was just trashtalk-part of the game" referring to his controversial statement "that the only good squirrel was a dead one." He had no comment when a reporter asked him if he would continue to hunt squirrels for sport.

In related news, the SLF issued a one sentence communique announcing the death of Comrade 176. The SLF spokesman had not been seen since his outburst during an interview with Reuter's reporter Jay Smith several days ago. There had been speculation about his possible death as it is well known that squirrels have high-strung natures and prone to brain aneurysms or that he had been assassinated in a coup attempt by an emerging moderate wing of the SLF. No further information has been issued SLF.

Jay Smith in his daily column for Reuters wrote: 
"I have covered inter-species fights for 20 years and I can only think of a handful of events that match this level of reversal of fortune. Wile E. Coyote's breakdown and suicide attempt in '78, and Rin Tin Tin's grisly near-decapitation of Morris the Cat during our Hall of Fame interview in '90. Who saw that coming?

Bubba Buddha Gut Squirrel has scant company in the rarefied air of this sport's legends. He is respected by all who know him, friend and foe alike. He has been a fine role model for young squirrels and has given back so much to his community. This reporter hopes for his complete recovery and return to the sport in which he set the bar high for all others to follow".

So, there it is fight fans! Humans score a huge upset over critters! But what of future matches? Will Bubba "Buddha Gut" pull through and fight again? What other species will "Killer" DeMarco challenge? And is this the last we hear from the SLF?

Whatever happens, folks, know that IFC will be THERE!!!!