I've not been well since February. Lightheadedness, brain fog and quite grouchy (my poor wife, sorry honey). Since there did not seem to be anything close to a life-threatening emergency, the medical machine moseyed along. Auto-immune flare? (nope) heart issues? (nope), thyroid (nope). Finally, five freaking months later, it is decided that the problem is sleep apnea. The treatment is to wear a mask to bed that pushes oxygen into your nostrils. Let me repeat this: YOU WEAR A MASK ON YOUR FACE WHILE SLEEPING. This industry really, really needs some infusion of investment into research and development. From where I standing, what I see is very old technology, being used by seemingly the redheaded stepchild in medicine. Where the hell is all the Silicon Valley money? Oh, it's going towards really important stuff apps for the best way to pick your nose; creating an AI sentient being because they can (with the hubris that nothing could go wrong-didn't you assholes watch Terminator?) and, my favorite hobby horse: going to Mars to look for water. Think I am being unreasonably hyperbolic? Ladies and gentlemen, I present my case:
TESTING
This is conducted at a sleep center. What seems like dozens of electrodes are planted on your head, chest and legs. They are adhered to your body with wires connecting to a central box which is tied to your chest with a flexible belt. A plastic prong goes into each nostril and the wiring is taped to your face. If you have to pee in the middle of the night, you call out to the Observer, who comes and unhooks you from the main data box and you shuffle off to do your business.
It did not go well for me. I had a terribly stiff mattress for one thing. (the Observer apologized, they were short of rooms and this room was a known issue. I bit my tongue and thought "if it's an issue, then why the fuck haven't you fixed it?) All the wiring tied up around my legs, arms, chest and head was uncomfortable. I am a side sleeper and the nostril piece dug into my face if I attempted to do so. In the end, I only slept 35 minutes (what a surprise!) and goes down as one of the most miserable nights in a very long time. I also was pissed. WTF is this 1960's technology? You mean to say that there aren't (gasp) WIRELESS electrodes that could send data to the computer without all the wiring?? Or, (cynically) it exists but the owners of the joint are too cheap to buy it. Might be the case, after all they have this fucking mattress/board so stiff only someone like Gandhi could tolerate. Exhibit A:
Mercury astronauts in training-1962
Ayup.
Since there was not enough data collected from my night from hell, they had me do a simpler test at home: a less intrusive nostril piece to measure my breathing. I was able to sleep somewhat and the results were that I stopped breathing 24 times in an hour which is classified as moderate sleep apnea. Now, for the remedy: the CPAP (Continuous positive airway pressure) machine.
Again, not much advancement has gone on since WWII. Exhibit B:
Pilot oxygen mask USAAF c.1943:
Modern day:
CPAP civilian use:
Gee, doesn't this look comfortable! It brought this to mind:
I was able to get something much less intrusive but one still deals with the unavoidable truth: you have something planted on your upper lip and there is a long hose attached to it.
I've used the CPAP for four days with mixed results but it does seem for at least half the nights, I got better sleep. I know it is gonna take some time to get used to. And, there are far, far more invasive and gruesome circumstances people are in thanks to the advances of medical science.
Still, what struck me the most was the primitive nature of the procedures and equipment. So, dear reader, if you or someone you know have a pile of cash that you just don't know what to do with...I believe there are opportunities. Be the Robert Jarvik of the sleep apnea industry!
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