Barking Dog Blues

With apologies to Johnny Cash

I hear that doggie barking
He's barking all the time
I swear he's been barking since
1959

I went to get my gun out
But my wife said
No

It's 3am and I ain't slept
And I'm feelin'
Low

Melting Molls

Mo' Movies: Little Women

2018 PBS mini-series-The 47th version (ok, I exaggerate, there's only been 15 or so) and one of the first movie franchises before Marvel. This version of Louisa May Alcott's classic novel stars Emily Watson, Angela Lansbury and Uma Thurman's daughter Maya Hawke (in her film debut). I feel this is an attempt at a more "naturalistic" rendition going beyond being the typical period clothes drama. The music is more down home-banjo, fiddle; the lighting looks more homey than a sound stage; clothing is less fancy, the actors have less movie star looks(they are allowed freckles). With 3 1/2 hours, the filmmakers had more time than most to add the nuance of these lives. 

There are quibbles-the young female actors, especially Ms Hawke (as Jo) over-act a wee bit. They turned Laurie into a weak, crybaby snowflake (well, you don't see him bypassing college to become cannon fodder do you?). C was especially grumpy of scenes added and dialogue changed (why do they feel the need to do this-perfectly good dialogue in the book). She is a  fan of 1994 Winona Ryder version and loves the book.

Worth watch though, especially for womenfolk-which sister did you see yourself as:  creative and fiery Jo, practical Meg, selfish and spoiled Amy or  doomed and saintly Beth?

Mo' Movies: Life of Crime

2014-A tale about an ill-planned kidnapping by couple of ex-con knuckleheads. Based on Elmore Leonard's novel "The Switch", the film stars Jennifer Aniston, John Hawkes and Tim Robbins.

Mildly interesting although having just re-watched Get Shorty, one spends the entire time thinking about how this could have been in the hands of a better director. He tries to emulate Tarantino but I think gets too hung up worrying that people will accuse him of precisely doing that. So, there is a whiff of the Q-the snappy dialogue and period music but quite bland in comparison. Probably the weakest part is whyo'why Jennifer Aniston? Ok, I can understand the concept of star power draw but really folks, Jen is limited. I wondered if the casting director was trying to be Q ironic by casting against type when they thought of Jen-you know-over the single-malts: "yeah, I was thinking this would be like casting Travolta in Pulp." Uhhh, well-this didn't pan out pal. Still, if you come across it-it's worth a view just for spending time in the convoluted universe of Elmore Leonard.

Mo' Movies: A Wrinkle in Time

2018-A Disney production based on the 1962 Newberry Medal young adult novel written by Madelaine L'Engle. Much in the vein of C.S. Lewis, the novel is heavily spiritualized but does address young folk's issues such as conformity and unusual for the era, female empowerment. 

This adaptation totally neuters the Christian slant and puts the focus upon female empowerment and diversity. I cued up the tagline for the "Mod Squad": one white, one black, one blond and began a mental drinking game based on the Hollywood diversity check list:
african-american females-check
redhead-check
blond-check
hispanics-check
white people-check
CGI critters-check
indian females-check
white male of Greek descent-check
50ft Opray-bring another bottle and make the world stop spinning!!!


Sigh. After cramming all this and a boat load of CGI in and spending 150m bucks and losing 131m, this effort became the biggest box office bomb in history. While visually intriguing, it has a shaky plot (aka it's boring!!) and for the most part uninteresting for adults. It comes off as an after school special for 8th graders and they could have done just as well keeping it as an after school special. Face it folks, you ain't gonna do shit up against the Avengers franchise.

C, who is a big fan of C.S. Lewis and of the "Wrinkle" book, rolled her eyes grumbling about the producers turning it into a action flick.

Rolla

Meet our newest squirrel in residence: Rolla. She has been here for about a month and evidently has replaced Denton, whose whereabouts are unknown. We have speculated that she is related to D as they both exhibit a curious behavior: they lounge on their bellies. On a tree branch, on a pool railing, they splay out their limbs and chill. We never have seen this before-usually, squirrels keep in motion except to "prairie dog" or to have a snack. 

We named her Rolla-short for Roland (the original name until I noticed no male parts under the tail), whose was a valiant and courageous warrior in the time of Charlemagne. She is fearless. C first encountered her and of course, tossed out some peanuts.  Rolla came right up on the deck within feet of C and after a week, was close to accepting a peanut from her hand. Once summer finally arrived and we suppered on the deck, we always have some peanuts on the table. Rolla often stops in, although not to snack, she immediately runs off to bury her treasure. We notice a curious routine: she will pick up the peanut, inspect one end, turn it over and check out the other. She seems to be gnawing a bit on it,I joked she was putting on her personal bar code to warn other squirrels that this is her property. C and I agree that Rolla seems to be checking to make sure the peanut is intact with no holes thereby insuring the nut will be protected once burying.

What earned Rolla her moniker was her fearlessness around the katters. Most squirrels will flee if they see a feline heading their way and usually head to the nearest tree where they angrily chatter with their tails whipping back and forth. A few will stick around to mess with the cats just to piss them off as they are much faster and agile. Not Rolla-we have seen her walk calmly past a cat who is only a couple of feet away. We watched with amazement the first time Rolla did this to Tomi, who generally would immediately charge. Instead, Tomi sat there watching, gobsmacked by the sheer chutzpah of this squirrel. If Tomi's jaw could drop to the ground, it would have done so. Rolla has done the same to Bin and Molls and again, our buddies have just sat there watching. Meanwhile, Rolla goes about her routine, picks up and inspects the peanut then scampers off to bury. 

I asked Bin about all of this and he was filled with admiration. "What about the girls?" I asked. "Well, Tomi is confused," he replied and "Molls is wary and a bit pissed. I am too old to try go head to head with a squirrel no less one who is young and obviously so bold. Eh. More fun to watch Tomi who acts like she doesn't know if she should shit or go blind, lol."

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Jesus H. Christ, will you stop howling. Mom's trying to do yoga. You got scritches and you turned your nose up at the chow. And don't give me this nonsense that the can was corked-it was a brand new can!  

B-I howl, therefore I am.

J-WTF is this? Descartes meets Ginsberg-give me a break. You are driving Mom and me nuts.

B-Well who ordered up this crap outside? I can't go out on patrol, it's colder than mouse titties, I'm stuck inside with Madame Grumpy Cat and Ms. Malice, can't get any grass so I can throw up and I haven't killed anything in a very, very long time. And, asshole, who shut the portal?

J-Dude, the portal FROZE SHUT-that's how cold it is. I was going to lock it anyway. Dangerous for you folk to be outside. Last thing I need is to have to drag one of your furry butts into the vet with frostbite and be subjected to staff stinkeyes: "how could you let your kitty go outside? What an asshole!". 

B-Whoa. It froze shut-never seen that happen.

J-Well, man-you haven't seen 14 below before with the portal.

B-Sorry I'm grumpy. My tum's a bit jumpy.

J-Yeah, mine too.

B-I noticed you have been off your feed-what's up?

J-Oh, another wonderful consequence of being on steroids: gastritis. So, I'm on a bland diet now with less choices than ever. 

B-Damn, that sucks man-I notice you're thinning too.

J-Yeah, both of us. Good news though, getting back to the weather-50 degrees on Monday. You'll be able to go on the porch bench-wander around the garage. 

B-Yay!!

J-So, what is with you and Molls?

B-Nothing. Nothing. It's that damn trouble making Calico creating drama because she is bored. I have no idea why Molls decide to hang out a couple of times with me on your bed. Maybe she likes having your scent around or maybe she was mixing me up with her dead son. Who knows. I did, however, enjoy seeing Tomi get a paw to the grill, lol. That fat grey has a vicious right hook.

J-Sigh, cabin fever.

B-You bet-why not put on some ape porn for us to while away the time. Watching apes copulate is a hoot! Oh baby, Oh baby, right there baby.  

J-Dude, porn is fake. It's like "pro" wrestling. I doubt real couples sound like this or do the ridiculous things portrayed.

B-Well true, based on what we've seen. We just thought you and Mom were kinda quiet and getting old.

J-Wow, Um, I don't know how to respond to all of that other than to point out that this is a bit oversharing with our audience.

B-Ah yes, the bashful apes. Getting back to the weather, Dude, bad bad stuff happening with The League.

J-Uh oh.

B-It's gone like America's politics: the moderates have become extinct. Everyone has splintered and going their own way to off your species. "By any means possible" is the new watchword. The last meeting was bonkers with many factions hysterical and justifiably so, given the rapid and catastrophic rise of extinctions. Lots of rumors of rogue ops. No cohesive effort. Just get it done and sooner the better.

J-Not good. How?

B-Word around the campfire is putting their bets with the viruses.

J-Oh gawd.

B-Yeah, right? (shudder) They're gonna target this country because your government has lost it's mind and gone anti-science-both in policy and funding. And now, with the shutdown with another threatened-great time to slip something in. Like the food supply or Coca Cola as in that book you read " The Brief History of the Dead". I've heard rumblings about mosquito-borne tropicals but they aren't getting as far North as hoped. 

J-Well, it's gonna take years to first fix the mess the Orange Cockroach created and then get chunks of the world to sign on and try and roll back the emissions. I'm not hopeful.

B-Nope. Not where gold is involved and we all know how you apes love your shiny things.

J-Sigh. How about I make a nice fire and we can watch something, uh, other than ape porn.

B-Cool! You gonna get some popcorn so I can lick off the salt and leave sodden chunks on the carpet?

J-You can lobby Mom about that-no, how about that new tuna and shrimp stuff I've been getting?

B-Hell yes! (runs out to kitchen)

J-Well, at least I'm not getting tripped on the way to the kitchen. Oh stop howling. I'll be right there. 

Two Guys Talkin'

Bin-(jumping on couch) ouufff-getting old, man.
Jeff-No shit, bud. Come warm your old bones by the fire.
B-(sigh) You bet. How are you doing?
J-The usual. Meds are waning. 
B-Gawd, aren't we a pair of old guys? You gonna change the title of the blog?
J-Hell no. How was patrol? You weren't out long.
B-Nothing going on and it's cold and I'd rather be in here. Mom in bed?
J-Yep. The girls are conked out by the tree.
B-(sniffing) Whatcha got there?
J-A wee dram of Drambuie.
B-Damn, dude, I can see the fumes rising off the glass!
J-Mother's milk.
B-Man, helluva year. We're falling apart, the world's falling apart.
J-Yeah, it was. (shifting with pain spike). I can't do what I used to do. It sucks.
B-Want some cheese with this whine? 
B-I know-can't jump like I used to, barely can eat kibble. Stiff in the morning. My kill count is way down.
J-Much to the relief of the small neighborhood critters, I am sure. But, it could be worse-I tell myself this every morning. Still...
B-Here, let me purr you better.
J-Thanks, buddy (scritches behind ears)

They watch the fire. The only other light in the room are the tree lights in the adjacent library. Jeff pulls on his drink. Bin raises his head and his ears move forward.

B-I hear bells.
J-What? Church bells? It's midnight already?
B-No, small bells, jingling.

A thump is heard on the roof.

B-(looking up at the ceiling) He's here!
J-What? C'mon, there's no...

Tomi-It's Santa! It's Santa! The little calico is dancing on her hind legs.

A large, bearded figure, lit by the tree lights, has appeared in the library with a large sack. He is bending down, petting the calico and chuckling.

Santa-Well, Thomasina, how nice to see you again. You have been such a good girl this year.
T- I know! I know!
Molls-Bonsoir, Monsieur.
J-Did I just see Molls do a kitty curtsey?
B-You sure did! Unbelievable!
S-Bonsoir, Madame. You have been good this year as well. Let's see, I've got something special for you both. 
T-What is it? What is it? (she is twining around his legs)
S-Ahh, here we are. 

He pulls out of his sack two small, foil topped containers. He removes the foil and the warm, mellow aroma of fish wafts though the room as he sets them down on the floor.

M-Oh my goodness!!!
T-It's from the lady in the blue house!!

The calico and the grey settle down to enjoy their savory treats. 

J-What is this about?
B-When they were young and establishing their territory in Montrouge, a lady in a blue house would put out a treat for them. Homemade and delicious. It's a kittenhood memory.
S-That is my speciality, lads. He is standing by the fireplace warming his hands.
J-Care to sit down for a bit? 
S-Thank you, that would be nice. 
J-Would you like a dram?
S- I won't say no. 
Jeff fetches another glass and pours about 2 fingers of the Scottish liqueur. 
S-(taking a sip) Ahh, mother's milk. (settles back into the couch)
B-(sidemouths) He's another one of you!
J-So-what do we call you? Santa? Nick?
S-Whatever you wish.
J-What brings you here for an extended visit? You have quite a night ahead of you!
S-Well, I picked up some time over Washington DC-lots of quick deliveries of lumps of coal. A lot of very bad boys and girls in those parts, I can tell you. I heard you two were ailing so I thought I'd stop by and take a break. Good to see you again, Bin. I think the last time was when you were a Vatican cat.
B-That's right!
S-Then, you know the routine-birth, life, old age, death, rebirth. Getting old isn't easy but you know what is coming. It's these humans who suffer so much. They don't remember their pasts.
B-Yep. Jeff here is having a tough time.
S-There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt, my friend.
J-How has it been for you?
S-Well, it's different for me-I am timeless.
B-He is all that is good and magical in the world.
J-So, you aren't Jesus?
S-(laughing out loud) No, no. I'm much older. Your species have always gathered at this time of year.
J-But I thought you didn't exist until the early Victorian era.
S-True-in my current manifestation. 
S-BTW Jeff, I remember your mother well, She really loved the holidays. You know her favorite tales, and they are true, that her father went up on the roof to tamp out reindeer tracks for his children to see. And she loved putting out the kettle of tea with a plate of cookies for me. Man, that woman could bake! The nice touch was leaving a cookie behind with a bite taken out of it with plenty of crumbs on the plate. She was very creative.
J-Yeah, she was. I remember this. Miss her.
S-Yes,I am sure you do. But memories, good memories, help sustain us. Through good times and bad. Even times like these.

A quick couple of thuds and a jingle of bells are heard from the roof.

S-Well, lads-that is my navigator saying that I must be on my way. The night is early. Thank you for the dram and the nice fire. It will be a good new year for you both. Chins up, lads!
J,B-Thanks, Santa!
S-Check your stockings, I left you something to enjoy tonight.

He walks into the library, past the snoozing calico and grey and vanishes into a darkened corner. Soon, a clatter of bells is heard that slowly fade into the background.

J-Wow!
B-Indeed! So, let's check out the stockings.
J-Do you always think of food?
B-Sure!
J-Ok, here is yours I would bet-what do we have here-hmmm, another foil wrapped container. (opening)Hmm,mildly fishy and looks quite savory.
B-(sniffing) He really outdid himself! My favorite dish from my Vatican days. I told you our cook would make me a special dish-ohhh anchovies and cream. (settles down to eat) Mmm, a bit of heaven. What do you have?
J-Mozarts-hazelnut and chocolate candy. Nicely wrapped in foil bearing the great man's image.
J-You know, it was First Wife who introduced me to these. Used to buy them in this shop in Frandor called Grande Gourmet. They had this tiny bar in back that people didn't know about. We'd have the place to ourselves and get shit-faced, lol. Home was nearby. We were young.
B-(licking his whiskers) You've been thinking about her haven't you? Coming up on a landmark.
J-Yeah, 20 years since her passing. She was so sick on that final Christmas. I remember taking her out for a drive one evening to look at the neighborhood lights. Damn.
Bin-Well, food and memory all come together this time of year. One celebrates the giving to others-it is about the love folks have for each other. The feasts celebrate what one has  going into the dark, lean times of Winter. And that the sun is returning and a rebirth of the land in Spring. It is the way of things. You know this, gardener, son of gardener, grandson of farmer. Ohh, man-that was delicious.
J-Mine too. I hope the old gentleman is right about the new year. I'm tired, man. 
B-Me, too. But, not ready to move on yet. You?
J-Nope. Well, I'm going to toddle off, take some meds.  Want another log on the fire?
B-That would be nice. See you in the morning, old man.
J-(laughs) See you in the morning, old cat.




 

Two Guys Talkin'

B-Trying to write your name again?

J-Jesus Christ! You scared the crap outta me!

B-You know for someone who doesn't believe in the Prophet, you sure invoke his name a lot.

J-It's just an expression and how about clearing your throat or coughing when you come up behind someone-especially when they're taking care of business.

B-You know what Sandberg said about little cat's feet-you should know this....

B-Um aren't you afraid of it getting frost bitten?

J-Generally no, except when I'm interrupted by a chattykatty-sheesh man.

B-You apes crack me up-a bit of snow and out you come-I don't get it.

J-It's because we can-we take pride in such things.

B-Wow, I can't think of a more pathetic expression of your being than this. Are you going to finish?

J-Shaddup already....ahhhhh.

B-Lotta steam-let's see...J.....K....Gee that wasn't much.

J-Shaddup (stretching) nice night-bit of snow, no wind-
how was patrol?

B-Nothing, quiet.

J-No  Mean White or Orange Menace? 

B-Which Orange Menace? In Washington or the one down the street?

J-Gawd-the last thing we need is the orange cockroach in the 'hood. No-the other one.

B-No-MW stays inside all the time and OM got his ass kicked by yours truly-he knows better than nose around these parts. Say, did you see that box on the back porch?

J-Naw-probably some recycling Mom put out

B-Mmmm I don't think so-we should check it out.

J-Ok let me get the door open-hmm it has an address: From: Elfen Express-an employee owned subsidiary of Santa Claus Inc. To: The residents of 7316 Sunset Drive.

B-Not exactly the personal touch-I thought the old boy kept a list.

J-This is weird-when did it come?

B-I thought I heard some bells a while back but thought it was the wind chimes-well lets get this bad boy inside and open it up!!

J-Watch your tail-nice and warm in here.

B-Throw another log on, man.

J Ok-the women asleep?

B-Yep Mom is in her bed, Molls is over by the heat thingy-snoring of course and Tomi is under the tree. C'mon open it up!

J Hold your horses-Jesus-they taped the crap out of this-you know this will go quicker if you get your snout out of the way.

J-Let see-for Bin-hmmm-Old Harry's Fern.

B-WOW!

J-What? 

B-Dude, this is primo nip! The Glenfinnich of nip!! Hand picked by Scottish maidens in a tiny hamlet in the Highlands-tis the only place on the planet where this variety of nip grows. Ohhhhhh I've been a very, very good boy!

J-I guess. How many murders this year?

B-27.

J-That was quick! 

B-What? You think I'm a dumb cat?

J-No, no. Just surprised. Are your numbers down? Just what made you a good boy?

B-Yeah, I've calmed down a bit-I dunno man-maybe someone is feeling generous.

J-There is something for me..Oh, my favorite cream sherry and...oh, how nice..some Scottish shortbread to go with them. I haven't had this combo in years.

B-Well, I think someone thinks you're special.

J-Hmm. For Mom-ooooooo-a nice shawl-very nice indeed.

B-And for the rest (ha! original Gilligan's Island theme)..hmm. Nada.

J-I am thinking the box is about Moll's size and you know how she adores a good box and the cello wrapping-Miss Calico fashion plate will love wearing this. But wait, there's more! Fishy treats!

B-Oooooo Bagna Calda flavored!!!Wonderful-I haven't had this since I lived in the Vatican! Oh, man, Mrs. Moretti-the Monsignor's housekeeper, made the best bagna calda.

J-Well-shall we? 

B-Hell yes! Give me a bit o'nip...(long sniff) dayemmmmm!!!

J-(sound of cork popping, liquid flowing into glass, a sip) Mmmm. (scritching Bin's tummy) How's it going, buddy?

B-Oh man, this is sublime-I swear I hear bagpipes.

J-That's just Molls snoring, man, lol. Nice fire.

B-Yeah, it is.

J-What a year. Crazy stuff.

B-There will always be, man. Tis the way of the world. 

B-Sorry about your Mother.

J-It's ok. 5 years slumped in a wheelchair, parked in a room for hours with a blaring TV. Trapped in that body of hers. That's no way to go. Glad she has gone on her way.

B-yep.

B-So-changes for you-letting the beard grow, parting the hair-are you Prufrocking? 

J-"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?" Naw. I do not view my life as wasted or suffering from modern malaise. (Although if a certain public official(s) should catch fire or go to jail, well, things would be better)

B-It's unusual that you have come out so publicly.

J-Hmmmm coming out has some specific meanings in these here parts, buddy.

B-Oh, don't be silly. I meant your looks.

J-Don't really care-feel like something different.

B-And yet, the same frames for your glasses.

J-Are you busting my balls here, cat?

B-Just an observation...

J-Hey, I didn't like anything else. Ok? Sheesh.

B-And you are looking forward to February? What are you going to do with yourself?

J-Yes, and I don't know. I am looking forward to not having things so structured. The open road-like when I went out West. 

B-Ahhh
J-Ahhh. WTF Stoned cat making pronouncements on my future.

B-Wow-a tad touchy, man.

J-I have some things to do and some nothing to do. If I wanna lie in bed and read, I'm gonna do it. Jesus H. Christ.

B-There you go again.

J-Fuck you pal. You are harshing my mellow dude.

B-And, the snow is covering up your name. Well, that's time, isn't it. All becomes dust and blows away.

J-Oh gawd give me strength-Joe Philosopher here.

B-Been there, done that. It's your species curse that you don't remember your past lives. You remain the same, stuck in neutral dumbasses that take centuries to learn and grow. No wonder The League wants you guys off the planet.

J-What's the latest for them?

B-They've gone dark and that is not good. Freaked me out that snippet in the Times and prohibition on tinkering around with deadly viruses has been lifted. THAT has The League's paw prints all over it. They do like the viruses. (shudder).

J-Yeah, I was troubled with that as well. Plus-I figure what's pushing it is some fucking bean counters with Big Pharm telling their masters-"There could be big bucks with this." We all die from some nasty plague as a result.

B-I'm hungry.

J-Munchies, eh? Well let me get a bowl for you.

B-You're the best!

J-Still coming down out there.

B-Yeah. Oh, thanks (munching) so good.

J-Sorry, I hollered.

B-(licking chops) well, I was a bit obnoxious. Tis the nip. Sorry buddy. Happy Christmas.

J-You as well. Another year, on the way.

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Oh baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, oh do me harder, baby....
B-Jeff, what the Hell are you doing???
J-Birch tree, second main branch, follow to the left then down a bit.
B-What?  Left and down...ohhhhhh wow sparrow sex. So you are adding some color commentary are you now? Dayam, they are really going at it!
J-You pecker, you pecker you pecker youpecker pecker peckerpeckerpeckerpecker
B-Sheeshhh!!!
J-Well, all done now, they're lighting up a smoke.
B-Hmm some post-coital thank yous, a bit of preening and...they're off.
J-Easy come, easy go.
B-
B-
J-What? I couldn't pass on that set up!
B-Apes...
J-We is what we is. So how you B Mr B? War wound healing up?
B-Yeah, fine. Thanks for taking me to the vet- the old immune system is not what it once was.
J-YW (scritching ears) old warrior. Say, Mom heard someone scream a couple of nights ago, went outside and you trotted back. Third battle of the Portal?
B-Bastard never made it that far-Molls ran in and told me he was on his way and I nailed his ass over by Johnny's pine. Preemptive strike, baby! Ya know, that cat really is becoming a major pest and he is gonna learn, one of these days. You come here, you get pain. 
J-Classic strategy my man, most creatures will try and avoid pain. 
B-One would think. So whatcha been up to...besides watching bird porn?
J-Theoretically, is that considered porn as it involves another species? Not taking an advocacy for such activities...
B-Hmmm good one. Supreme Court ruled in Roth vs US in '57 pointing to "community standards" in judging whether something was considered obscene. I would think this is not really on anyone's radar.
J-There's plenty of animal sex compilation on YouTube so one would draw the conclusion that it probably isn't considered porn. Although the word porn has morphed a bit-lots of cooking porn available with intimate close-ups of tender, sizzlingly hot steaks with their buttery juices running down the sides of their loins...
B-Uhhh, haven't gotten any in a while, buddy?
J-That's a wee bit personal, laddie.
B-Ooooookkkkkkkkkk How's Mom recovering from her op?
J-She's good-3 more weeks and she can take a tub bath and take a swim in the pool. You do need to be more careful with those back claws of yours, dude.
B-Hey, they're all I got-I'm disabled, remember?
J-You seem to be getting by alright.
B-Oh, you're turning Conservative on me? I'm a free-loader? I'm a parasite on society? How would you do without your opposable thumbs?
J-Uhh-you pulling some sort of check from the government?
B-Nooooooooooo
J-Ok then, you are being pretty Conservative yourself: fact-free and irrational.
B-When are you guys gonna do something about your Orange Pest? I'm taking care of mine.
J-No comment.
B-Oh Gawwwdd-still worried about NSA word search algorythms?
J-No comment. 
B-You are such a wuss, ape. Go and give the asshole a nice bite.That'll get his attention.
J-That it will.  I do hasten to point out that this wuss buys you your pate. And kibble. And provides a roof over your head. You don't want to go back to living rough and only having diner food do you?
B-Y'all got to do something-this guy is dumber than a hound and crazier than a skunk in heat. And what is up with the climate denial? WTF-it's getting hotter and I'm stuck with fur pajamas! The ice on the poles is shrinking, migration patterns are changing JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DO I HAVE TO BREAK OUT THE CRAYONS AND CONNECT THE DOTS FOR YOU PEOPLE??? This is back to the 17th Century for Christssakes-I was there! I was there during the Galileo trials. Between the Church, Quack Science and the Flat Earthers, oi vey!! Ignorance on parade!
J-That was an awesome rant, dude!
J-Look, man-gotta be patient. You've witnessed enough of these types-they do their damage but they never last. Just pretty tough getting to the end game. I worry about some unnatural end beyond the ballot box-the true believers will just explode and we'll have a civil war. You know how ugly those can be.
B-Yepper.
J-Any news you can share about The League?
B-They've been quiet and watching your government implode. Caught a whiff of quiet R&D with bacteria, not viruses as we have always feared. You guys have messed up and used antibiotics too much and the bacteria are gaining more and more resistance. If a superstrain is developed, you're in deep shit-the kind shit you were in prior to the 1930's. A simple scratch gets infected, you might die from it. Major surgery becomes very risky. Childbirth becomes a nightmare. Can't imagine what it will do to the insurance rates.
J-A nightmare indeed. Well, this has been cheerful-I think I need a nap.
B-(Yawn) me too. Snack before beddibye?
J-Sure man, c'mon.


 

Two Guys Talkin'

B-Hello readers! It's been too long! My humans have been quite upset to say the least since November and Jeff has gone dark for the most part. So, welcome back and Dude-what is shakin'? Boy you apes have really gotten yourselves in a pickle with that orange cockroach,haven't you?

J

B-Uhh, usually you respond at this point, buddy. What's this you are writing? Oh for crying out loud? Are serious? Avoiding NSA word search algorithms?

J

B-Well, THIS is going to be interesting. You have security issues about saying anything. BTW, what is all this stuff, all these gizmos? It looks like Frankenstein's lab in here. Security stuff eh? Drone and satellite masking systems, electronic eavesdropping jamming systems and stuff I don't want to know about. OOOkk. But, dude-this is going out over the freakin' net....Oh, you have quadruple encryption going to 35 servers worldwide. Plus detection systems that when intrusion is found, sends the signal bouncing around the planet. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Interesting. Aren't we just a bit paranoid?

J

B-Yes, yes they have the capability but that doesn't mean they will do anything. Yes, I know, there are historical precedents for such things. BTW how in the hell did you pay for all this? A second mortgage? The house is in Mom's name! YOU FORGED HER SIGNATURE!! WTF DUDE, THAT'S A FELONY!! NOT TO MENTION HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU ARE IN WITH MOM. Well, she'll know soon enough. What? You're garbling this part of the piece? My eyes only? Well, yes-you can trust me not to tell. Swear on a can of Mariner's Catch. Dude, how did it come to this and what the hell is on your head?

J

B-Oh come on now, you can answer that, can't you? Sigh. So, what is it? A pussy hat with an aluminum hat on top. THAT is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen (well, besides the Green Bay Packers cheese heads). What does it mean? Solidarity with your sisters who Marched on Washington and protection against having your thoughts read. You are worried about aliens as well? Putin potentially is an alien stooge. And what crazy left wing version of Breitbart did you pick that up from?

J

B-Really, this is getting tiring. Hmm, no crazier than your “intelligence” that The League has Ra's controlling both Trump and Putin in order to bring about nuclear war. (ed. Note: The League is an organization of non-human species dedicated to the preservation of all other living things on the planet. It is said to be radicalizing with the ultimate goal of eliminating the Human species in order to save Earth. Ra's are super endowed felines who can control human beings with their minds-the result of enhancement 8 millennial a by a visiting alien race) What can I say-that is what I am hearing. I report, you decide. Oh, make love to myself? Such tender advice. You, my friend are completely around the bend.

J-WHAT'S THAT???!!!

B-What's what?

J-THAT SPARROW ON THE BRANCH, WHY AREN'T THESE BLINDS CLOSED? ARE YOU WITH THEM? IT'S A SURVELLENCE DRONE!! THEY HAVE HUMMINGBIRDS TOO!!!

B-Dude!-it's just a fucking sparrow. Look, I'll prove it to you. Gawd, that boy needs therapy. BRB.

A couple of minutes later....

B-pttttoooohhh-there, one sparrow head, freshly killed. See, no chips no circuits, no wiring.

J-WHAT THE FUCK!!! GET THAT OUT OF HERE!!!

B-What an ungrateful bastard you are. Ok-hey Molls-wanta sparrow head??

M-(distant) You bet!

B-At least someone's happy. Now, listen Jeff-how can I help? This is nutty and will YOU get that stupid stocking cap with the tin foil bonnet off your head. I can't take you seriously with that on.Thank you. Is Mom this wound up? Is half the population in this country crazy with fear and paranoia?

J

B-Hmm, don't read this out loud....well, yes I am still in contact with him. Hmm, viruses. They are very unpredictable and there would be collateral damage-they aren't like your laser guided munitions. Not a problem, I see. Ok man, I'll see what I can do.

J-How about some shreds? Got some whitefish and sardines.

B-mmmmmmmmmmmmmm now, that's my old bud.