Two Guys Talkin'

B-Trying to write your name again?

J-Jesus Christ! You scared the crap outta me!

B-You know for someone who doesn't believe in the Prophet, you sure invoke his name a lot.

J-It's just an expression and how about clearing your throat or coughing when you come up behind someone-especially when they're taking care of business.

B-You know what Sandberg said about little cat's feet-you should know this....

B-Um aren't you afraid of it getting frost bitten?

J-Generally no, except when I'm interrupted by a chattykatty-sheesh man.

B-You apes crack me up-a bit of snow and out you come-I don't get it.

J-It's because we can-we take pride in such things.

B-Wow, I can't think of a more pathetic expression of your being than this. Are you going to finish?

J-Shaddup already....ahhhhh.

B-Lotta steam-let's see...J.....K....Gee that wasn't much.

J-Shaddup (stretching) nice night-bit of snow, no wind-
how was patrol?

B-Nothing, quiet.

J-No  Mean White or Orange Menace? 

B-Which Orange Menace? In Washington or the one down the street?

J-Gawd-the last thing we need is the orange cockroach in the 'hood. No-the other one.

B-No-MW stays inside all the time and OM got his ass kicked by yours truly-he knows better than nose around these parts. Say, did you see that box on the back porch?

J-Naw-probably some recycling Mom put out

B-Mmmm I don't think so-we should check it out.

J-Ok let me get the door open-hmm it has an address: From: Elfen Express-an employee owned subsidiary of Santa Claus Inc. To: The residents of 7316 Sunset Drive.

B-Not exactly the personal touch-I thought the old boy kept a list.

J-This is weird-when did it come?

B-I thought I heard some bells a while back but thought it was the wind chimes-well lets get this bad boy inside and open it up!!

J-Watch your tail-nice and warm in here.

B-Throw another log on, man.

J Ok-the women asleep?

B-Yep Mom is in her bed, Molls is over by the heat thingy-snoring of course and Tomi is under the tree. C'mon open it up!

J Hold your horses-Jesus-they taped the crap out of this-you know this will go quicker if you get your snout out of the way.

J-Let see-for Bin-hmmm-Old Harry's Fern.

B-WOW!

J-What? 

B-Dude, this is primo nip! The Glenfinnich of nip!! Hand picked by Scottish maidens in a tiny hamlet in the Highlands-tis the only place on the planet where this variety of nip grows. Ohhhhhh I've been a very, very good boy!

J-I guess. How many murders this year?

B-27.

J-That was quick! 

B-What? You think I'm a dumb cat?

J-No, no. Just surprised. Are your numbers down? Just what made you a good boy?

B-Yeah, I've calmed down a bit-I dunno man-maybe someone is feeling generous.

J-There is something for me..Oh, my favorite cream sherry and...oh, how nice..some Scottish shortbread to go with them. I haven't had this combo in years.

B-Well, I think someone thinks you're special.

J-Hmm. For Mom-ooooooo-a nice shawl-very nice indeed.

B-And for the rest (ha! original Gilligan's Island theme)..hmm. Nada.

J-I am thinking the box is about Moll's size and you know how she adores a good box and the cello wrapping-Miss Calico fashion plate will love wearing this. But wait, there's more! Fishy treats!

B-Oooooo Bagna Calda flavored!!!Wonderful-I haven't had this since I lived in the Vatican! Oh, man, Mrs. Moretti-the Monsignor's housekeeper, made the best bagna calda.

J-Well-shall we? 

B-Hell yes! Give me a bit o'nip...(long sniff) dayemmmmm!!!

J-(sound of cork popping, liquid flowing into glass, a sip) Mmmm. (scritching Bin's tummy) How's it going, buddy?

B-Oh man, this is sublime-I swear I hear bagpipes.

J-That's just Molls snoring, man, lol. Nice fire.

B-Yeah, it is.

J-What a year. Crazy stuff.

B-There will always be, man. Tis the way of the world. 

B-Sorry about your Mother.

J-It's ok. 5 years slumped in a wheelchair, parked in a room for hours with a blaring TV. Trapped in that body of hers. That's no way to go. Glad she has gone on her way.

B-yep.

B-So-changes for you-letting the beard grow, parting the hair-are you Prufrocking? 

J-"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?" Naw. I do not view my life as wasted or suffering from modern malaise. (Although if a certain public official(s) should catch fire or go to jail, well, things would be better)

B-It's unusual that you have come out so publicly.

J-Hmmmm coming out has some specific meanings in these here parts, buddy.

B-Oh, don't be silly. I meant your looks.

J-Don't really care-feel like something different.

B-And yet, the same frames for your glasses.

J-Are you busting my balls here, cat?

B-Just an observation...

J-Hey, I didn't like anything else. Ok? Sheesh.

B-And you are looking forward to February? What are you going to do with yourself?

J-Yes, and I don't know. I am looking forward to not having things so structured. The open road-like when I went out West. 

B-Ahhh
J-Ahhh. WTF Stoned cat making pronouncements on my future.

B-Wow-a tad touchy, man.

J-I have some things to do and some nothing to do. If I wanna lie in bed and read, I'm gonna do it. Jesus H. Christ.

B-There you go again.

J-Fuck you pal. You are harshing my mellow dude.

B-And, the snow is covering up your name. Well, that's time, isn't it. All becomes dust and blows away.

J-Oh gawd give me strength-Joe Philosopher here.

B-Been there, done that. It's your species curse that you don't remember your past lives. You remain the same, stuck in neutral dumbasses that take centuries to learn and grow. No wonder The League wants you guys off the planet.

J-What's the latest for them?

B-They've gone dark and that is not good. Freaked me out that snippet in the Times and prohibition on tinkering around with deadly viruses has been lifted. THAT has The League's paw prints all over it. They do like the viruses. (shudder).

J-Yeah, I was troubled with that as well. Plus-I figure what's pushing it is some fucking bean counters with Big Pharm telling their masters-"There could be big bucks with this." We all die from some nasty plague as a result.

B-I'm hungry.

J-Munchies, eh? Well let me get a bowl for you.

B-You're the best!

J-Still coming down out there.

B-Yeah. Oh, thanks (munching) so good.

J-Sorry, I hollered.

B-(licking chops) well, I was a bit obnoxious. Tis the nip. Sorry buddy. Happy Christmas.

J-You as well. Another year, on the way.

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Oh baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, oh do me harder, baby....
B-Jeff, what the Hell are you doing???
J-Birch tree, second main branch, follow to the left then down a bit.
B-What?  Left and down...ohhhhhh wow sparrow sex. So you are adding some color commentary are you now? Dayam, they are really going at it!
J-You pecker, you pecker you pecker youpecker pecker peckerpeckerpeckerpecker
B-Sheeshhh!!!
J-Well, all done now, they're lighting up a smoke.
B-Hmm some post-coital thank yous, a bit of preening and...they're off.
J-Easy come, easy go.
B-
B-
J-What? I couldn't pass on that set up!
B-Apes...
J-We is what we is. So how you B Mr B? War wound healing up?
B-Yeah, fine. Thanks for taking me to the vet- the old immune system is not what it once was.
J-YW (scritching ears) old warrior. Say, Mom heard someone scream a couple of nights ago, went outside and you trotted back. Third battle of the Portal?
B-Bastard never made it that far-Molls ran in and told me he was on his way and I nailed his ass over by Johnny's pine. Preemptive strike, baby! Ya know, that cat really is becoming a major pest and he is gonna learn, one of these days. You come here, you get pain. 
J-Classic strategy my man, most creatures will try and avoid pain. 
B-One would think. So whatcha been up to...besides watching bird porn?
J-Theoretically, is that considered porn as it involves another species? Not taking an advocacy for such activities...
B-Hmmm good one. Supreme Court ruled in Roth vs US in '57 pointing to "community standards" in judging whether something was considered obscene. I would think this is not really on anyone's radar.
J-There's plenty of animal sex compilation on YouTube so one would draw the conclusion that it probably isn't considered porn. Although the word porn has morphed a bit-lots of cooking porn available with intimate close-ups of tender, sizzlingly hot steaks with their buttery juices running down the sides of their loins...
B-Uhhh, haven't gotten any in a while, buddy?
J-That's a wee bit personal, laddie.
B-Ooooookkkkkkkkkk How's Mom recovering from her op?
J-She's good-3 more weeks and she can take a tub bath and take a swim in the pool. You do need to be more careful with those back claws of yours, dude.
B-Hey, they're all I got-I'm disabled, remember?
J-You seem to be getting by alright.
B-Oh, you're turning Conservative on me? I'm a free-loader? I'm a parasite on society? How would you do without your opposable thumbs?
J-Uhh-you pulling some sort of check from the government?
B-Nooooooooooo
J-Ok then, you are being pretty Conservative yourself: fact-free and irrational.
B-When are you guys gonna do something about your Orange Pest? I'm taking care of mine.
J-No comment.
B-Oh Gawwwdd-still worried about NSA word search algorythms?
J-No comment. 
B-You are such a wuss, ape. Go and give the asshole a nice bite.That'll get his attention.
J-That it will.  I do hasten to point out that this wuss buys you your pate. And kibble. And provides a roof over your head. You don't want to go back to living rough and only having diner food do you?
B-Y'all got to do something-this guy is dumber than a hound and crazier than a skunk in heat. And what is up with the climate denial? WTF-it's getting hotter and I'm stuck with fur pajamas! The ice on the poles is shrinking, migration patterns are changing JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DO I HAVE TO BREAK OUT THE CRAYONS AND CONNECT THE DOTS FOR YOU PEOPLE??? This is back to the 17th Century for Christssakes-I was there! I was there during the Galileo trials. Between the Church, Quack Science and the Flat Earthers, oi vey!! Ignorance on parade!
J-That was an awesome rant, dude!
J-Look, man-gotta be patient. You've witnessed enough of these types-they do their damage but they never last. Just pretty tough getting to the end game. I worry about some unnatural end beyond the ballot box-the true believers will just explode and we'll have a civil war. You know how ugly those can be.
B-Yepper.
J-Any news you can share about The League?
B-They've been quiet and watching your government implode. Caught a whiff of quiet R&D with bacteria, not viruses as we have always feared. You guys have messed up and used antibiotics too much and the bacteria are gaining more and more resistance. If a superstrain is developed, you're in deep shit-the kind shit you were in prior to the 1930's. A simple scratch gets infected, you might die from it. Major surgery becomes very risky. Childbirth becomes a nightmare. Can't imagine what it will do to the insurance rates.
J-A nightmare indeed. Well, this has been cheerful-I think I need a nap.
B-(Yawn) me too. Snack before beddibye?
J-Sure man, c'mon.


 

Two Guys Talkin'

B-Hello readers! It's been too long! My humans have been quite upset to say the least since November and Jeff has gone dark for the most part. So, welcome back and Dude-what is shakin'? Boy you apes have really gotten yourselves in a pickle with that orange cockroach,haven't you?

J

B-Uhh, usually you respond at this point, buddy. What's this you are writing? Oh for crying out loud? Are serious? Avoiding NSA word search algorithms?

J

B-Well, THIS is going to be interesting. You have security issues about saying anything. BTW, what is all this stuff, all these gizmos? It looks like Frankenstein's lab in here. Security stuff eh? Drone and satellite masking systems, electronic eavesdropping jamming systems and stuff I don't want to know about. OOOkk. But, dude-this is going out over the freakin' net....Oh, you have quadruple encryption going to 35 servers worldwide. Plus detection systems that when intrusion is found, sends the signal bouncing around the planet. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Interesting. Aren't we just a bit paranoid?

J

B-Yes, yes they have the capability but that doesn't mean they will do anything. Yes, I know, there are historical precedents for such things. BTW how in the hell did you pay for all this? A second mortgage? The house is in Mom's name! YOU FORGED HER SIGNATURE!! WTF DUDE, THAT'S A FELONY!! NOT TO MENTION HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU ARE IN WITH MOM. Well, she'll know soon enough. What? You're garbling this part of the piece? My eyes only? Well, yes-you can trust me not to tell. Swear on a can of Mariner's Catch. Dude, how did it come to this and what the hell is on your head?

J

B-Oh come on now, you can answer that, can't you? Sigh. So, what is it? A pussy hat with an aluminum hat on top. THAT is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen (well, besides the Green Bay Packers cheese heads). What does it mean? Solidarity with your sisters who Marched on Washington and protection against having your thoughts read. You are worried about aliens as well? Putin potentially is an alien stooge. And what crazy left wing version of Breitbart did you pick that up from?

J

B-Really, this is getting tiring. Hmm, no crazier than your “intelligence” that The League has Ra's controlling both Trump and Putin in order to bring about nuclear war. (ed. Note: The League is an organization of non-human species dedicated to the preservation of all other living things on the planet. It is said to be radicalizing with the ultimate goal of eliminating the Human species in order to save Earth. Ra's are super endowed felines who can control human beings with their minds-the result of enhancement 8 millennial a by a visiting alien race) What can I say-that is what I am hearing. I report, you decide. Oh, make love to myself? Such tender advice. You, my friend are completely around the bend.

J-WHAT'S THAT???!!!

B-What's what?

J-THAT SPARROW ON THE BRANCH, WHY AREN'T THESE BLINDS CLOSED? ARE YOU WITH THEM? IT'S A SURVELLENCE DRONE!! THEY HAVE HUMMINGBIRDS TOO!!!

B-Dude!-it's just a fucking sparrow. Look, I'll prove it to you. Gawd, that boy needs therapy. BRB.

A couple of minutes later....

B-pttttoooohhh-there, one sparrow head, freshly killed. See, no chips no circuits, no wiring.

J-WHAT THE FUCK!!! GET THAT OUT OF HERE!!!

B-What an ungrateful bastard you are. Ok-hey Molls-wanta sparrow head??

M-(distant) You bet!

B-At least someone's happy. Now, listen Jeff-how can I help? This is nutty and will YOU get that stupid stocking cap with the tin foil bonnet off your head. I can't take you seriously with that on.Thank you. Is Mom this wound up? Is half the population in this country crazy with fear and paranoia?

J

B-Hmm, don't read this out loud....well, yes I am still in contact with him. Hmm, viruses. They are very unpredictable and there would be collateral damage-they aren't like your laser guided munitions. Not a problem, I see. Ok man, I'll see what I can do.

J-How about some shreds? Got some whitefish and sardines.

B-mmmmmmmmmmmmmm now, that's my old bud.