B-Sure is.
J-Yeah, I’m sick of it.
B-Me too. Tired of being inside. Don’t get me wrong, I love having a nice warm home but I miss going on patrol. Especially all night.
J-Just as well-it’s too cold out there, man. Mom and I worry.
B-Sigh, you guys worry too much. I have fur.
J-Still.
J-How was the Diner? You’re all wet. Geez.
B-Of course I am wet. It’s snowing like mad out there. Whiner. The Diner was good.
J-Why go out there in the snow and cold-we have food here. Gawd, do I look like a towel?
B-Like I said, I miss going out. Habit (stretching) like your coffee in the morning. And, I like Benny-he saved me when I was homeless and I honor him by eating his food now. A cat never forgets a friend with food. Our species' neuroses: you never know when you next meal will be so eat when it’s there.
J-Speaking of food-what was up with the Friskies salmon? I’ve never seen you guys turn up your nose.
B-Hmm salmon is pretty rich and just too much to have it all day long. You would turn your nose up at chocolate cake with mocha butter cream frosting if you had it for every meal. You’d also weigh 300 pounds.
J-Yeah I would. Well, sorry about that. I won’t get it again.
B-No worries-how would you know? I can’t write it down on the whiteboard, lol.
J-Thanks for sending a thank you to Sue. That was such a fun surprise that she sent you something.
B-You’re welcome. I am sorry I was late getting it out and yes, it was quite a surprise. I am worried though, that I may be taken as rude with my comments about the obese cat in Houston. People can be so thin-skinned sometimes.
J-Now who’s worrying?
B-Certainly due to hanging out with you, no doubt.
J-True that. Naw-Sue won’t take it that way. I think she will enjoy the fact that you replied and get into the spirit in which it was meant. No worries.
B-Well, good. What was up with the signature initials: BWKP?
J-One part how I sign off with J and one part a riff on the Indianesque nature of your name. Certainly, you have seen Indian names where the first and middle names due to their length are initialized. Like C. K. Ammanpour.
B-Sure. How did you come up with that name anyway?
J-Mom and I have told you.
B-Remind me. Sometimes when I look like I am sleeping, I really am.
J-OK, when we first met you the summer we moved in, you had a wound in the middle of your forehead. It was from a botfly.
B-What!!!!!????
J-Yes. We told you.
B-Holy Mother of Us All-I don’t remember this!!! Oh man. Oh man.
J-Calm yourself and your claws. It’s ok. It happens. We took care of it. Goes with living on the street, I guess.
B-Oh man. I really was in a bad way. Insect laying worms in my head. Oh Oh Oh.
J-You’re hyperventilating, man. Settle your tail down. It’s like a furry metronome in my face.
B-A really bad way.
J-Yes, you were. We thought you were a young cat with your size and compared to Minn. Turns out you were older than the girls-6 or 7. Just not getting enough food.
B-I don’t remember this on my face. I was hungry a lot and having daily battles with Mean White. That bastard.
J-He can’t help it. His people abandoned him too.
B-At least he has his front claws. Bastards.
J-I know. I am real sorry about that. Silly people and their furniture. I feel worse about this than your lack of knackers.
B-You lose your knackers and get back to me on that one. Bastards.
J-Anyway……
J-So, with the mark-it reminded me of a Bindi-the forehead mark on Indian females that denote class and marital status. The rest kinda came organically.
B-You mean with some organically grown red wine? lol
J-Nooooooooo…I mean it just grew. Bindiwan like Obi-Wan from Star Wars. Katterpie was Mom’s contribution I think.
B-Well, it’s a mouthful.
J-And later, I discover that it also means the Third Eye or 6th Chakra in Tibetan Buddhism. Came across this in a shop in Ann Arbor that sells goods from Tibet. Pretty cool, eh?
B-Sure.
J-You don’t like your name?
B-It’s fine. I’m glad you and Mom like it. It’s better than what the Abandoners named me: Beemer. WTF-oh, I get it-black cat black car white trash lifestyles of the rich and famous dreams. Idiots.
J-Not a fan of Robin Leach, I see. Do you have a name? How are you known to other cats? Do cats have names?
B-Yes, I do have a name, we all do -but it’s unpronounceable in your language. I wouldn’t even try to tell you. Too many trills and nuances. Besides, we all crack up when you and Mom talk “cat”. It’s hilarious. Even gets a smirk out of the Calico and you know she has no sense of humor.
J-I didn’t know cats had a sense of humor.
B-Sure, we do. It’s more internally expressed than with humans. We don’t laugh, of course. Never a guffaw. I guess in your terms, an inward smile.
J-Do you have jokes? Like, a guy walks into a bar with a penguin and an umbrella…
B-No, nothing like that. We’re not creative in that way. We do appreciate funny events or circumstances. Here’s a good one: hearing the Calico’s claws clicking as she slides out of control across the kitchen linoleum during one of her “cat crazies” as you call it. That’s funny.
J-Why is that funny-to get into humor theory with you a minute? Is it a sight/sound gag?
B-Somewhat. More like the fact that when I hear this, I know that the control freaky, stick up the ass Calico is out of control and is feeling humiliated. Humiliation is something we all hate. And for the Calico-like a dagger to her black heart. Sigh, wonderful.
J-So, in this case, you find humor in another’s pain.
B-Yep. Especially when it involves that crazy beotch.
J-Sorry you two don’t get along. Mom and I love you both.
B-And, really-is there nothing funnier than a dog? They’re sooo stupid. Shiteaters.
J-Wow, tell us how you really feel, man.
B-Shrug-it’s the truth. C’mon, they ARE shiteaters. No one but them eats shit. They’re idiots. Ever see a beagle run straight into a tree? Fabulous!
J-Well, aren’t we Mr. High and Mighty? So you’re on top of the heap are ye?
B-Ohhhhhhh this from the species who feels they are appointed by some theoretical, invisible power to lord over us all? Eff you man. Yeah, you can build skyscrapers. You got the thumbs. You got this and you got that. Yeah and you’ve been killing each other and everyone else at an appalling rate for centuries. And helluva fine job at ruining the planet. There’s others who live here too, dammit!
J-Whoa! Dude! Claws! Owwww, Jesus H. Christ-I’m bleeding.
B-I oughta give you more than that. And why the hell are you invoking the Nazareth Prophet’s name? You’re a self-proclaimed non-believer. Hypocrite.
J- Damn that hurts. Dude, it’s just an expression.
B-Well, I JUST expressed myself there, pal.
J-Man, c’mon-I’m sorry, I was just kidding.
B-You people piss me off. And don’t trot out the “you need anger management” stuff.
J-Sigh. I’m sorry Bin. C’mon, let me give you a scritch. You know you love it.
J-Bin?
J-Bindiwan?
J-Binderoo?
J-Senor Gato, Gato Negro?
B-You ok? Want me to lick it?
J-No thanks, it’s ok. I’ll put some anti-biotic salve on it.
B-Sorry, man.
J-Mom will be unhappy with your language. She doesn’t like that, you know.
B-I know. Sorry Mom. I get upset.
J-I know, me too. Along the ears? How’s that.
B-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sooooooo good.
J- Buds?
B-Buds.
J-Want some Mariner’s Delight?
B-Sure. Yum. Any chocs left for you?
J-Yep. You guessed.
B-Food is always good after a fight.
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