What's said/What it really means.

Some friends at work and I played this game where you take  phrases and interpret what they really mean. From the government, politicians, dentists, girlfriends. The results look to be a mix of modern cynicism and Mad magazine. I'm sure you have many to add. Enjoy.

I’m not going to send our sons and daughters to fight overseas.

We’re going to war.

The people have spoken and we will respect their wishes.

We’re going to subvert the democratic process as much as possible and overturn these results.

This agency is committed to being transparent.

No, we aren’t. We strive to be obscure and if we say that we are transparent enough times, people will believe us.

Some assembly required.

You will need an advanced degree from M.I.T. to put this stupid bookcase together.

We’re dedicated to a loving and enlightened way of life in this community.

Only if you follow our ways exactly and without question. Otherwise, your

soul will be condemned to an eternity of damnation.

Professor, I don’t understand the assignment.      

I’ve had 3 weeks to work on the assignment but have not done a single thing on it.

 

But I worked so hard on this assignment.

I slapped it together this morning after I got home from the bar.

I am going to miss Friday’s test because my grandmother died and I have to go home.   

This is the fifth time grandma has died. I want to leave early so I can take the train to Chicago and hook up with my boyfriend.

 

It's not you, it's me.

Dude, it's you.

We’ve had no prior complaints concerning this, sir.   

We’ve had plenty of complaints but won’t fix the problem. In fact, it’s not a problem for us.

Honest officer, all I have had is a couple of beers.

True, only a couple of beers in the past hour. But I have been drinking for most of the afternoon. How come there’s three of you guys for a routine traffic stop?

You will feel a slight prick.

You will experience the worst pain in your life. I hope you don’t scream

too much.

 

I only ate a couple.

No, piglet you ate half the pan.

 

I'm only a bit behind in my payments.

 I haven't made a payment in six months but I really had a nice vacation in

Mexico.

 

We only did it once.

We've been screwing like rabbits for 6 months. In your bed, Mom and Dad.

Historic

Houston, we’ve had a problem.

HALF OF OUR F….G CAPSULE HAS BLOWN OFF.

Mistakes were made.

We illegally invaded a sovereign nation, the entire operation is a debacle

and we're getting our butts kicked by civilian militias.

 

It appears the president has experienced some distress during the

motorcade in Dallas, Texas.

Half of his head was shot off.

C’mon boys, we have them on the run.

-GA Custer, June 25, 1876.
Where the hell did all those Indians come from?

Inter-Species Fight Club

There's been a lot of action at the bird feeder now that spring has arrived and folks have awakened. Besides the birds and thankfully thwarted squirrels- coons, rabbits, skunks and possums have all been visiting. Under the baleful eyes of the crew of course, who are both curious and incensed by these intruders. This brought to mind an old piece that I wrote in 2010 and issued in serial form concerning the battle between my boss and the squirrels who were raiding the bird feeders at work. Here, I present the condensed version of:

IFC brings you world-wide coverage of species conflict over food, water, air, mates, land and ultimately, dominance of the planet Earth!!

Brought to you by Hopheader-The Prince of Beers, The Mammal Policy Center and Grasslands Forever who are proud sponsors of IFC, whose charter is to celebrate and exploit inter-species conflict for the entertainment of others.

IN THE RED CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 195 POUNDS AND STANDING 6 FEET, 2 AND ONE HALF INCHES....BOBBY (KILLER) DeMARCO

IN THE BLUE CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 5 AND THREE QUARTER POUNDS AND 14 INCHES IN LENGTH....BUBBA (BUDDHA GUT) SQUIRREL

THE STAKE: A DELTA TOWNSHIP BIRD FEEDER

Yes, fans, it's man vs cute furry critter!!! While both have hands, one has a brain the size of an acorn!!! Direct from an undisclosed corporate Bird Feeding Arena featuring it's brand new anti-squirrel flashing, this will no doubt be a fight talked about for some time!! Excerpts from last night's news conference with Bubba Squirrel's management team:

Speaking to reporters, Bubba's manager, Waldo (Pops) Leafbinder, said that he had contacted the HSL Group to give Bubba technical advice. HSL Group is a think-tank specializing in squirrel issues. "We have our best minds on the job" said Leafbinder. "It's just a matter of time and I am confident we will be victorious in this fight. There's a lot at stake here, Bubba has an unbroken string of victories". Jay Smith from Reuters pointed out that the vast majority of those victories were against common homeowners and little old ladies with limited resources. "Killer" DeMarco has corporate backing and therefore access to more money. "Bring him, his big brain and his daddy's big bucks ON" snorted Leafbinder. "Bubba will be eating both their lunch and dinner!!"

In related news, a representative from the SLF (Squirrel Liberation Front) threatened to escalate operations in the Delta Township area. Wearing the standard SLF uniform of black mask and red beret, the spokesman identified only as Comrade 176 said that this action by DeMarco is yet another example of human imperialism and species discrimination. "Isn't this typical of the humans. It's ok for birds to eat their food but not squirrels. We have the right to feed our families BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY." said Comrade 176. "We fully support the efforts of our brother. We may send covert teams into the suburbs to protest this unprovoked action."  Comrade 176 had no comment as to what specific operations might be launched.

The SLF was formed in 1976 as a loosely organized resistance group fighting the continuing human intrusion into squirrel lands. Following the devastating winter of 1978 when thousands of squirrels starved and froze to death, Alsop Branchflyer arose as a charismatic leader who unified the SLF into a single, cohesive movement. He preached a Marxist-based economy to prevent the 1978 holocaust from happening again as well as fighting for a separate homeland for the squirrel species. Branchflyer was assassinated by a homeowner in 1983 and since then, the SLF became more extreme in their efforts against humans. Wide scale organized attacks on human food supplies were launched by the now famous red bereted, black masked SLF special forces units. The SLF also sent suicide units who electrocuted themselves on power lines resulting in loss of service to homes. The group claimed responsibility for the  several regional regional blackouts but this has never been acknowledged by the authorities.

Round One

Today, Bubba and a rep from HSL were seen sizing up the feeders. Bubba made a couple of attempts to scale the pole but was unsuccessful.

We gotta score this:
Round one to "Killer" DeMarco!

Will Bubba succeed? How will he change his strategy? Will the SLF become involved or are they just posturing? These are the burning questions of our day, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned!

Round Two

It's Round 2 to DeMarco! And the fight is heating up!!!!

Apparently Bubba has been unable to breach DeMarco's defenses although there is evidence of attacks on two fronts. First, the direct approach. The bottom of the flashing shows signs of chewing. Secondly, Bubba was seen conferencing at the feeder with members of the crow and woodchuck factions. While his manager "Pops" Leafbinder would not comment on this development, it's thought this meeting comes on the advice of the HSL Group to broaden the assault.

This drew an immediate and furious response from SLF spokesman, Comrade 176. The SLF is well known for its specist apartheid policies. "We don't need any help from the likes of these" Comrade 176 said referring to the crow and woodchuck contingent. "Leafbinder is creating an unholy triad and the SLF will never support this kind of action." Leafbinder had no response.

In related news, an off-the-cuff comment by Mr. DeMarco at a Bassmasters event has ignited the rhetoric between the two camps. When asked by reporters what he thought of Bubba Squirrel and squirrels in general, DeMarco replied "the only good squirrel is a dead squirrel." The Leafbinder management team soon issued a statement expressing their shock at DeMarco's comment saying "...it is obvious to us that Mr. DeMarco has no honor as a fighter and we shall from this point forward treat him with none." A statement released by Fortino's managers says "Mr. DeMaro was making a quick joke and feels that it was taken out of context."

Comrade 176 of the SLF was not buying the explanation. Speaking to Jay Smith of Reuters, Comrade 176 barely contained fury was evident. "Mr. DeMarco's comment represents what we have maintained for years about human genocidal ambitions towards our species." He then burst into a furious pouring of Sqillisque, an ancient squirrel dialect that features a series of rapid, high pitches squealing and chattering with violent whipping motions of the tail. What he said is still being translated, however, the gist was certainly apparent. In response, Jay Smith could only say "wow."

Flash/Reuters:

Bobby "Killer" DeMarco  has scored a major upset over Bubba "Buddha Gut" Squirrel.

Bubba's manager "Pops" Leafbinder surprised the fight world by conceding the match to DeMarco at a hastily called press conference this morning. "We're throwing the towel" said a tearful Leafbinder. "Bubba is done wore out. He has lost a tooth and his mental condition is in question". Bubba has been undefeated up to this point and Leafbinder indicated that he was not available for interviews.

DeMarco's camp was just as surprised at the announcement. DeMarco was on his way to a gun show when a reporter broke the news to him. "Wow, I thought Buddha Gut had more left in him. I mean, he was getting help from the other critters and those idiots from the SLF. Wow." "Bubba is a legend and it was a great honor to fight him" a clearly emotional DeMarco added. "I didn't mean what I said-that was just trashtalk-part of the game" referring to his controversial statement "that the only good squirrel was a dead one." He had no comment when a reporter asked him if he would continue to hunt squirrels for sport.

In related news, the SLF issued a one sentence communique announcing the death of Comrade 176. The SLF spokesman had not been seen since his outburst during an interview with Reuter's reporter Jay Smith several days ago. There had been speculation about his possible death as it is well known that squirrels have high-strung natures and prone to brain aneurysms or that he had been assassinated in a coup attempt by an emerging moderate wing of the SLF. No further information has been issued SLF.

Jay Smith in his daily column for Reuters wrote: 
"I have covered inter-species fights for 20 years and I can only think of a handful of events that match this level of reversal of fortune. Wile E. Coyote's breakdown and suicide attempt in '78, and Rin Tin Tin's grisly near-decapitation of Morris the Cat during our Hall of Fame interview in '90. Who saw that coming?

Bubba Buddha Gut Squirrel has scant company in the rarefied air of this sport's legends. He is respected by all who know him, friend and foe alike. He has been a fine role model for young squirrels and has given back so much to his community. This reporter hopes for his complete recovery and return to the sport in which he set the bar high for all others to follow".

So, there it is fight fans! Humans score a huge upset over critters! But what of future matches? Will Bubba "Buddha Gut" pull through and fight again? What other species will "Killer" DeMarco challenge? And is this the last we hear from the SLF?

Whatever happens, folks, know that IFC will be THERE!!!!

Happy Birthday, Vincent

Starry Night, June 1889-Saint Remy de Provence



"For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."

Vincent van Gogh was born on March 30, 1853. An intriguing theory about his death in 1890 emerged in 2011: van Gogh did not commit suicide, he was accidently shot by a teenager and being a stand-up guy, accepted responsibility for the shooting himself. An article in the Daily Mail UK:

The Vincent van Gogh story is that the poverty-stricken and unappreciated artist took his own life with a shot to the chest. But, more than a century on, two American writers have cast doubt on his suicide and instead claim he was shot dead by a teenager. Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith claim that Van Gogh was fatally wounded by a friend’s teenage brother who enjoyed  teasing and provoking the mentally ill artist.

During a confrontation in the French town of Auvers-sur-Oise in 1890, the boy somehow opened fire with a gun.They also outline another theory, that Van Gogh was shot by two local boys who were playing with a malfunctioning pistol.

Naifeh and Smith, who won a Pulitzer Prize for their biography  of U.S. artist Jackson Pollock, spent ten years researching their book, which will be released in Britain tomorrow.

In Van Gogh: The Life, they claim that the Dutch impressionist ‘knew nothing about guns’ and that ‘no gun was ever found’ at the scene or anywhere else.They conclude that Van Gogh had a ‘history of violent outbursts’ and suggest a disagreement of some kind may have been his undoing.

According to the official version of his death, Van Gogh was only 37 when he went into a field in Auvers-sur-Oise on the evening of July 27, 1890, and shot himself in the chest with a revolver.

But in their account, Naifeh and Smith claim that there is strong evidence against this, as Van Gogh left no suicide note and the bullet which killed him entered his body ‘from an unusual, oblique angle – not straight on as one would expect in a suicide’. After the shooting he was able to walk back to the village, where he was attended by two physicians, neither of whom possessed the ability to perform surgery to remove the bullet.The following day infection began to set in and he died that evening, 29 hours after he shot himself. His brother Theo, who had rushed to be at his side, claimed his brother's last words were: 'The sadness will last forever.'

The writers, who were granted access to thousands of family letters and had the co-operation of the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, have concluded that a row with a neighbour’s son was the real reason why he was shot, and that as he welcomed his own death he saw no reason to blame anybody else. Van Gogh also only offered ‘hesitant, half-hearted, and oddly hedged’ confessions of his suicide attempt, which they do not find convincing.

Spring

It was 50 degrees today-the first to reach this mark since December 5. The 17" snow pack is perceptively lower each day but of course the huge piles remain where we many times dug out the drive. I saw bluebirds flitting about-no doubt in a bit of shock over our still wintery landscape. The sun was warm on the face and I could finally see patches of grass. Soon, the grass will become dominant with the only snow remaining is where there had been large drifts. It's the dying time of winter, while the earth is on the verge of awakening with life dormant just below the surface. But for a few weeks longer, winter will linger not content to go away just yet. He will come back several times, each time weaker until finally, he will succumb to the inevitable cycle of life.

This is Andrew Wyeth's "Spring". A portrait of Karl Kuerner, an old friend and neighbor whose person, wife and farm were subjects in Wyeth's work for many years. The image came to Wyeth during a visit-Kuerner was sick and dying-and Wyeth thought:

 "This man is timeless and began thinking about those drifts up there on the hill and why not just put him in one. There's that other drift there and I hope people who look at this picture will ask, "who's in there?"*

*Andrew Wyeth Autobiography 1995
Picture courtesy Pinterest

Katter tales

We've been getting visited by the neighborhood cats as of late. One, a new and rather large Black, we have named BB King aka Big Black Kitty. He's been showing up under the pool deck, on the back deck and I have seen him dive under the shed. Well, it's been bitterly cold and C didn't want him starving in case he's a runaway or abandoned katter. She put food for him for a couple of weeks. Evidently, the word got out and one of Bin's harem, Grey Tiger Fluffy Tail has visited along with her siren's song outside C's study:
M'oooooooooooooorrrrrrrooooooowwwwwww my precious Bin, where are youuuuuu??????

Hope springs eternal in this feline: last summer she would stop by and Bin would be sprawled in the grass and pay her no mind whatsoever. This is nothing new-Mr Suave (pronounced Swav-eh) is incredibly indifferent to the charms of the ladies. We've had a steady stream of broken hearts over the years. Poor neutered buddy!

We have dug and maintained paths so the crew can do their patrolling and I can access the birdfeeder. They can go out through the portal, around the garage, up the path under the birdfeeder, to the pool deck, cut back to the back deck and to the slider door. Now, from a katter POV, these paths must seem like canyons and Bin, our Director of Homeland Security, must have gotten trapped  and squared off against someone. Our bet it was BB King. One day last week I come home and Bin was all banged up. Wound above his left eye and a larger wound-in fact a pretty good gouge, behind his right ear. Poor guy-his earlier people had declawed his front paws so when it comes to fighting, he has to get in up-close and personal and either attack with his fangs or his back fighting claws. A real disadvantage. We immediately stopped putting food out and BB King hasn't returned-we think he was two-timing. Girlfriend, however, still stops by to croon.

Our Director of Homeland Security at his post by the portal.

 

 

 

 



 



Saturday Night Music

A cut from Bryan Ferry's 2012 "Jazz Age" album where he interprets

 his songs in the style of the 1920's. Wonderful. This is "Reason or Rhyme".

Song for the Times

 

Richard Thompson

Genesis Hall

 From 1969 Fairport Convention album

Unhalfbricking

 

 

My father he rides with your sheriffs
And I know he would never mean harm
But to see both sides of a quarrel
Is to judge without haste or alarm

Oh, oh, helpless and snow
And you don't have anywhere to go

You take away homes from the homeless
And leave them to die in the cold
The gypsy who begs for your presents
He will laugh in your face when you're old

Oh, oh, helpless and snow
And you don't have anywhere to go

Well one man he drinks up his whiskey
Another he drinks up his wine
And they'll drink 'till their eyes are red with hate
For those of a different kind

Oh, oh, helpless and snow
And you don't have anywhere to go

When the rivers run thicker than trouble
I'll be there at your side in the flood
T'was all I could do to keep myself
From taking revenge on your blood

Oh, oh, helpless and snow
And you don't have anywhere to go
Oh, oh, helpless and snow
And you don't have anywhere to go

2 Guys Talkin'

B-Meooooowww!!

J-Sorry, dude-petting works up a lot of static.

B-Dammit that hurt!

J-That spark did light you up, lol

B-It’s not funny!

J-Here, jump down and I run a wet cloth over you.

B-Really?

J-Sure, c’mon.

J-BRB

 

 

B-Ohh, that’s better. Thanks man.

J-Sure. Tail down please so I can type.

B-Sorry. Well, Happy New Year. You order up this weather?

J-You too and no, I didn’t. It’s really getting old and we just started February. Hopefully, the rodent won't see his shadow tomorrow. We can use all the good karma we can get.

B-I know. I miss going outside. Getting too old to be out in that zero degree stuff.

J-Yes, you are. Hey, I saw The Black Kitty hunting the other day.

B-Who? Where?

J-Oh, a big black male whom I’ve been seeing patrolling out back at work.

B-Still have his hardware?

J-Nope. Big jaw, though. Walks like a miniature panther. No collar or tags. But looks way too good to be feral.

B-Don’t know him.

J-Well, I watched him sit on a dry concrete walk and stare into snowy tall grass for quite awhile. Suddenly, whomp! He got a mouse. Sat down and ate it head first. Everything but the squeak.

B. He was using THE VOICE.

J-What?

B-He was using THE VOICE on the mouse.

J-And….what does this ‘VOICE” do?

B-It’s how we manipulate others. He probably told the mouse to come over to him.

J-Come over to his certain death?

B-Yep.

J-Is this another one of your “alien connection” things?

B-Yep. I told you we can communicate empathically. We use THE VOICE.

J-Yes I remember, but you have said nothing about THE VOICE. So, y’all know the language of all creatures? You know mousese?

B-Sigh, you apes and your language-you know communication isn’t always verbal. We can also place a series of images suggesting a particular action we desire.

J-Well, that’s scary. Don’t want the NSA or Homeland Security getting their hands this.

B-We do it all the time with you and Mom. Along with staring to reinforce, (yawn) works pretty well when we want pate or laptime. Throw in a few pathetic mews and it’s a done deal.

J-So how come the three of you are not the greatest hunters of all time if you have this gift? The Calico rarely catches anything. And you, my friend, just had a major drought if I may direct your attention to a couple of chats back?

B-The Calico is dumber than a rock and works on pure instinct. The Grey is quite good and considering she’s a chunk, it’s a damn miracle she manages  to grab the birds.

I just lost my touch-it’s like golf-you have to keep at it to keep your skills honed. Shrug-some have developed The Voice better than others. I’d say this black cat is a master.

J-Well, he does seem zen-like out there. I have seen him sit stock still for an hour.

B-Oh yes. Mice are dumbass shitting machines.  If you stay still long enough, they forget your scent and presence. If you apply THE VOICE at this point, they’ll walk right over to you. Curtains!

J-Ya know, this really sounds familiar. Sounds like Star Wars. Yeah, Yeah…

C’MON MAN, YOU’RE SAYING YOU GUYS DO THE DARTH VADAR ROUTINE??? LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER???OHH THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE???

B-Where do you think Lucas got his idea?

J-OH COME ON!

B-Yep. His cat told him. And the bastard didn’t give him credit. Mr.Creative Genius made a boatload of money and pimped his cat.

J-What was he supposed to do-list on the credits-“based on an idea by Mr. Jingles”??

Trust fund for the kids?

B-At the very least.

J-Oh please, you’re doing the Soviet crap again-taking credit for everything.

B-You just can’t handle the truth.

J-I can’t handle your whoppers.

B-Well, you do need two hands (snare drum, cymbal) I’m here all week folks. Try the meatloaf!

J-So what happened to the cat?

B-Dunno. I did hear he pissed on a bunch of Asshole’s Norman Rockwell print collection before he split. Ha! That’s rich! I can’t stand Rockwell’s sentimentality.

J-Hmm just trying to visualize how he was able to piss that high…

B-No, you knucklehead, not the stuff on the wall. Lucas had some out of storage that he was looking through one night. Left them out and that’s when the cat gave them a distinctive provenance, lol.

J-That’s just wrong, man.

B-We tolerate a lot but if you cross us-we will exact our pound of flesh.

J-I ‘spose one of yours helped the Bard.

B-He was quite fond of cats and several lived with him but no, they did not manipulate or interfere with Shakespeare. He’s great. We appreciate his acute observations of humanity and hope people will learn about themselves by reading him.

B-Seriously, we don’t go around messing around with everyone on a whim. Just those who mistreat or disrespect us. That’s only fair.

J-Fair enough, buddy. And glad to hear something my kind has done, he did on his own.

B-Awwww-no need to get an inferiority complex about this. We had nothing to do with going to the moon for example. We thought you apes were absolutely nuts hurling yourself out of our atmosphere by sitting on several tons of explosives. To go where? A friggin’ lifeless, uninhabitable piece of rock. And then sit around and pound your chests like your hairy cousins proclaiming how great of an achievement it was. Only you guys, I swear.

J-We are a restless bunch-always have been. Got that mountain to climb. Just because.

B-Hmm, that is quite true. Always on the move, striving for stuff. Oh, makes me tired thinking about it. (yawn) You people need to nap more which sounds like a good idea. (stretching)

J-Want a snack before you nod off?

B-You bet! You’re the man!