FIVE SECOND STORIES

 

Squirrels cannot sweat!

 

"Why do you put scented beard oil on your hair?" a friend asked. "It is subtler than cologne" he replied "and it really cannot be perceived unless one comes close". "I only wear it when I go out on a date with my wife".

When they moved to the new house, one of the first things he planted was a butterfly bush outside the main bathroom window. He had grown up with this at his childhood home in the country and always enjoyed the subtle Buddleia scent and seeing butterflies stopping in for a snack.

He was astonished to learn that the cook at his favorite diner had worked for the past 5 years without a day off except holidays. With the new owner, he now has one day off a week.

On a warm late afternoon if the western wind is stiff and sustained, we can go up on the pool deck and have our own "Titanic" moment.

Their bird bath had a moveable concrete turtle. One day, he noticed that the turtle had been moved to the edge giving it a visually prominent position. In passing, he thanked his wife for doing this, as he had not. She looked at him with surprise and said "I was going to thank you, I didn't do it!" They both then realized that the birds had done the rearranging. Was it merely moving an obstruction or aesthetics?

Imagine Inter-species HGTV: Slick Redbird and his wife Iona  need help with deciding where to put an existing sculpture in their bird bath. Slick thinks it's a nuisance and wants it gone. Iona points out that they're sharing the bath with their many neighbors and wants to somehow move the sculpture to be both pleasing to look at but out of the way. Chip and Joanna from ISHGTV are here to help.

Who controlled the weather on the planet rotated through all nations on a three year basis. When it was Scotland's turn, their only communication to the world was a terse message:

"You'll take what yer given, laddie".

 

As she began to slide the chicken breasts into the frying pan, she heard the rooster begin to crow, plaintively: "I knew them well" and he crowed throughout the entire cooking time.

It was disturbing to see on multiple cat forums a poster with a particular fervrent crusade: when you pet your cat on it's back, you are sending electric shocks throughout it's spine and causing it great pain. That's right folks, YOU are torturing your cat! "Gawd", he grumbled, internally eye-rolling. "Another fanatic on a mission". These self-proclaimed warriors are everywhere online these days, evangelizing whatever they are selling. Political, medical, child and pet care, food, exercise, you name it and someone is there with crazy, misinformed, magical-thinking or just made-up (aka lies) information.The lengths some folks will go for: internet fame, being a "hero" saving the world with YOUR information, monetizing whatever bullshit you've come up with. Here are some gems I've come across:

-The Truth About Splenda

-The Cost of Pursuing Bliss

-Why Your Dog Should Be Vegan 

-Freeze Your Bread-Something Great Happens!

So, caveat emptor and remember, there's a sucker born every minute and we're talking about you, buddy.

She gave him a stern look while he photographed her on the deck. As she passed him going back inside, he said with a leer "Don't bother calling your agent, darling. These photos are for private use".