MODERN FABLE: HOW ELKS MANAGE THEIR HUGE ANTLERS

 

                                                                                                                                                    Jared Lyoyd

You've seen these big boys with their big racks and you have to wonder how they can keep their heads up. Obviously, it's their huge weightlifter necks but just how do they get so big? Well, thanks to the miracle of inter-species communication (championed no small part by the late Bindiwankatterpi), the answer has been revealed by a young elk during an interview with ANN.

It seems all young males undergo a vigorous  weight training regime under the guidance of older males. "For the human audience, it is akin to military boot camp or football training" said the anonymous elk. "Every morning, once we reach a certain age, the old ones put us through a series of exercises. Repetitive lifts utilizing fallen logs, stones held in place around the top of the neck by a sling made of young vegetation by the girls, repetitive ramming against big trees and adult. It's grueling and we all hated it. I mean, what's the sense? Get a big rack and get shot by some effing human. I'd rather we just chew each other's rack off every year and I could care less about being attractive to some girl." 

One can see why he requested anonymity. His remarks are severely in opposition to the very conservative Elk culture. Ahh, the universal issue of rebellious youth.