HELL: NEW AND IMPROVED

 

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Joining the recent trend of wokeness in the corporate sector, Hell has announced a new program aimed at providing a more meaningful experience for it's residents. This new program aims to tailor punishments to each individual based on their former lives, ethnicity, belief systems and culture. "We've been behind the times" declared a senior Minion noting that in past centuries, Hell had a 'one size fits all' attitude except in special cases for famous people or those Satan took a special interest in. Insiders note that the push for these changes came from a new generation of  Minions who wanted to be more creative in their work. "Sure, it takes more time to come up with matching punishments with an individual's actions. Any schmo can burn in a pool of fire but with this program, it will be far more rewarding for the Minions" said one of the organizers. "You can really drill down into their deepest fears, shame and prejudices. It's a beautiful thing to witness."

In launching this massive undertaking, Hell has brought aboard thousands of Minions to research and advise more thoughtful and relevant tortures for residents. This new initiative carries a cheerful yet controversial tagline of "Different strokes for different folks." Some senior Minions grumbled about using a phrase from a non-resident. "It should have been from one of ours" said one. But others pointed out that Satan is a huge fan of Sly and the Family Stone and has always relished the phrase. "His tail really gets to whipping, when Sly comes up on the spinner and his eyes become brighter than usual. It truly makes his day."