BLAST FROM THE PAST

My dear old friend Karen dug up the following satire about Chernobyl and sent it to me. I have no memory of writing this. We were working together at the Lansing Art Gallery and since I mention PBS, I would put the date of writing circa 1991. The program Nova had a show on the 5th anniversary of the event in that year. Gosh, 30 years ago! Not sure what triggered my writing this, perhaps stories of nuclear accident tourists as the opening line alludes to. This seems to be instructions from some local entity hustling adrenaline junkies who wanted to clandestinely enter the forbidden zone.

I have done some slight editing.

 A word to those willing to enter this area...

We won't go into the scientific jabberwocky concerning the threat to human well-being on the other side of this door: to be direct, it's pretty damn scary. However, for those who saw the PBS shows on Chernobyl and are just itching to experience it in person, here are some guidelines to gauge the length of your stay. These guidelines are based upon the experiences of several mice we sent in. They all died, but since their metabolism is so much faster than ours, use the ratio of the average mouse lifespan to that of an average human male...Well, we were going to keep this simple weren't we? For those who wish to use math not touched since high school, be our guest. 

Chernobyl Exposure Guidelines

Low Exposure

1-5 minutes  

You will receive a nice warm glow. Like you have run around the block a few times.

6-15 minutes

Your friends will wonder where you vacationed to get such a nice tan. Protect those tender spots!

Moderate to High Exposure

16-23 minutes

Ouch! 3rd degree burns, permanent markings where clothing ends and exposed flesh begins. Could begin a new trend, could be embarrassing.

24-30 minutes 

Ladies, toss out your birth control and monthly feminine products, you're sterilized! Sorry guys, you're out to pasture as steers.

Lethal exposure

31-35 minutes

You are a walking X-ray! Entertain others by eating and drinking-all can see your bodily functions.

36 minutes +

You join the mice.

We hope that you read these guidelines with care and remember that exposure does add up over time. So, if you gotta visit this place, we advise that you get in and get out in a prudent manner. 

 

Editor's note: curiously, no mention of the correlation between the above time frames and how close one is to ground zero! 50 yards vs 2 miles can make quite a difference in lifespan and the kind of cancers you run the risk of getting!