Two Guys Talkin'

J-Batards!

B-What are you howling about?

J-Eco-terrorists attacked my bean plants! And then they lopped off the bloom on my coneflower -WTF?

B-Oh dear.

J-You're effin' right it was deer-it was goddamn Bambi bin Laden.

B-Sigh-it has happened in the past.

J-I don't care-I am fed up with this. Rotten long-legged rats.

B-It's a drought year-they are scrounging.

J-THERE'S A FUCKING WOODS LESS THAN 100 YARDS FROM HERE. GO EAT THERE.

B-All this uproar about beans. Are you going to post on Facebook a pic of the beans with a translucent American flag overlaid to inspire solidarity? Gawd, that knee-jerk mindless nonsense is lame especially when it's only about European tragedies-people die in Turkey or Africa-no one cares.

J-Hey, fuck you man. I like beans and that is besides the point. They came on MY land to destroy MY crops. Locusts. Parasites, that's what they are.

B-(shrug) I don't see the point but of course, I only eat vegetable matter as a digestif.

J-We need to build a wall, that's what we need. Keep those parasites out. Make our country great again, take our country back from them.

B-But they are already here.

J-No matter. Then, we will keep them in. Arm everyone, kill them all!!!

B-When did you get that bad dye job and the comb over? And your lips, what's with the purse? Looks like you just ate a lemon.

J-Don't you see? We have to stand up for what is ours, we can't allow this to go on. If the bleeding hearts won't let us kill them, let's deport them....like to Canada. Then build the wall and bill them for it and if they won't pay....well, let's just say three words: 300 kiloton payload.

B-Dude, you're insane. It's just a fucking bean plant.

J-IT'S OUR FOOD-WHERE DOES IT END? STARTS SMALL IN THE GARDEN BUT THEN IT GOES NATIONWIDE. FAMINE!!!PESTILENCE!!!THE END OF DAYS!!!

B-JEFF, JEFF WAKE UP!!! (right hook to the grill)

J-Dude, you hit me.

B-Thank goodness, you're back.

J-Uhh, I have been here all along.

B-Dude, you went into some kind of fugue and were channelling....here, take a sip of wine....Trumpers!!

J-Oh, dear mother in heaven. How long was I gone?

B-Long enough to scare the crap outta me and our valued readers!

J-(shivering) Man,I remember being pissed off about the beans the deer ate then I don't recall anything until you hit me.

B-I hope this is not infectious in your species.

J-Sadly, I think it is. Half of the voters are infected

B-I think this is like one of those old Star Trek episodes: anger feeds the organism.

J-Hmm, I wonder what the incidence of Trumper syndrome is with potheads?

B-Sounds like the basis for a well-funded study to me. Maybe,THAT'S why legalization efforts keep being thwarted. It's a conspiracy!! Keep them dumb and angry!

J-LOL as opposed to being dumb and stoned. I dunno, man-it's been a crazy year. All the violence and upheaval. Reminds me of '68.

B-Yeah, it does. And the candidates are as Tricky as Dicky.

J-Well, it's another “hold your nose and vote” election. For me, it comes down to 2 words: Supreme Court. Really-Hillary-I'm with her as a slogan-like those awful t-shirts for couples that say “I'm with stupid”? Who thought this was a good idea?

B-Yep-maybe they'll make some headway on species issues. It's not only folk that are hurting. The rest of us are too. I mean, isn't time to go beyond Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter on and on-what about the rest of us? Don't WE matter? Those that you raise for food, experiment on so your drugs work and whether or not your FUCKING FACE CREAM WILL GIVE YOU A RASH?

J-Uhh, send your hate mail and complaints to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com. Man, are you just trying to piss off everyone?

B-Oh, well, don't want to upset the apes. They're on top of the mighty pyramid or worth. Fuck you.

J-Dude, you can't be messing with Black Live Matter-it's not that they matter MORE than anyone else-it's a statement to express the fact that the concerns of the black community continues to be ignored.

B-It's still specist.

J-I suppose it is but look, you need to be a bit more sensitive about this.

B-Oh, I am sorry, should I have prefaced my statement with a fucking trigger warning? Oh, those of you of color should seek a safe place immediately cuz you ain't gonna wanna here this? WTF man! WE SHARE THE PLANET and a bit more respect is due to all of us who are non-apes. And puulllleezzee..don't trot out the damn Bible which supposedly gives y'all dominion over everything else on the planet. All because you were made in the Almighty's image. Bullshit. Written by apes for apes to give y'all a nice big ego boost.

J-Again, all hate mail should be addressed to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com.

B-Ahhhhhh fuck hate mail-I get a bunch as it is. Written by a bunch of dogs.

J-Hmm, sounds like Trumper syndrome to me...

B-No, you idiot-canines. They always troll me online.

J-Wow! Well, we both have had quite a rant-how's your summer going?

B-Oh, just fine. Been a bit toasty for my taste with these fur pajamas and all.

J-I hear ya.

B-Mom's going under the knife again..

J-Yep, couple of weeks. Breast reconstruction. She'll be fine.

B-Just the breasts right?

J-Yeah, her lap will not change. No worries on that.

B-We all would miss that. How about you?

J-Well, you know I am an ass man so I'm good with it.

B-So, you aren't feeling like your fun-bags are going away?

J-Where in the hell did you come up with that saying? Sheesh. This is Mom we're talking about.

B-Just looking out for you, my man!

J-I need a refill. Snack time?

B-You bet! Ranting always makes me peckish.