Two Guys Talkin'

B-Happy Birthday old man!

J-Thanks dude-Oi-seems like we were just here.

B-Yeah, that's how it works-time picks up velocity towards...well, you know-I don't want to get morbid here.

J-No worries, man. So what's happenin'?

B-Not much-sleep, eat, patrol-pester Mom for attention. Avoid being slugged.

J-Yep-summer's winding down. Pool time is over. Crappy tomato year. Grass is growing like it's May and the skeeters are bad.

B-Yeah they are. Bastards bug me around the ears. Too bad-full moon tonight, can't go out and enjoy it without being chewed up.

J-Well, maybe we'll take a quick look-see.

B-Oh you mean a “mark your territory break”? I'd really like to be around when you explain those red splotchy bumps on your manhood to Mom.

J-You really have a deviant mind, pal. Geez.

B-Just saying.

J-Really? and you don't remember all the times I've warned you about your claws during lap time? Yeah, I look forward to explaining those puncture wounds in the ER.

B-I can't help it-it's nice a warm down there and I relax. Takes effort to keep the claws sheathed. I don't understand what you are whining about-Mom doesn't have this problem.

J-BECAUSE MOM DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME PARTS!

B-Stop shouting you big baby. You're sounding like that idiot you apes are close to choosing as a leader.

J-Not even close, mofo.

B-Well, I'll give you that-you are not a psychopathic liar. He reminds me of this minor prince in Bavaria back in the day. Really makes one consider the downside of reincarnation. This guy was a piece of work. And some of those cardinals at the Vatican-Oi Vey! They make the Beltway spinmeisters look like a bunch of 2^nd graders when it came to obfuscating the word of the Lord to advance the control and the coffers of the Church. You sad poor apes-in exchange for the big brains and opposable thumbs-you are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over and over.

J-What's the word from the League on all this? You still have your contacts?

B-It's been pretty quiet although word around the watering hole is that they have held special meetings and committees have been set up to act if the elections goes south. Mind you-not that they find the man terribly objectionable-it's about setting into motion a series of attacks that will overwhelm his feeble abilities. It's risky because a joke making the rounds is that this knucklehead will actually use a nuke to kill a mosquito, lol.

J-That's not really funny, man.

B-Shrug-sign of the times. Zika is producing mixed results-definitely a dud as far as the Olympics and in terms of population control-seems to be more a terrorist/psychological effect than actually doing what was hoped. I dunno-might be a controlled experiment to test the reactions of the governments. Certainly seeing Congress hold up funding for months was encouraging. I just worry that they have something brewing with the viruses and we are entering the flu season.

J-Sigh. Any good news?

B-Well your feet hit the floor this morning.

J-Yeah. All the rest is crap.

B-You bet! Hey, this is for you.

J-What's this? Hmmm...not very heavy, shape looks familiar....

M-Hello boys-Joyeux anniversaire, mon cher.

J-Thanks, Molls!

B-Good evening, Madame.

T-Open your present! Open your present!

B-(oh gawd)

J-Hey Tomi! Well, the gang is all here. Let's take a look...why it's chocolate.

T-Yay!! Oui!!

B-(that girl is always trippin')

J-Thanks all-thank you for not bringing me something dead and how did you get a hold of the choc?

B-Let's just say it mysteriously vanished from the counter one day.

J-Where did you hide it?

M-Under the loveseat. You haven't vacuumed under there for a while so we gambled it would be safe there.

B-Madame!

M-Shrug-tis the truth-he asked. All sorts of goodies under there.

J-Well, what's a birthday without some public shaming.

T-Madame's in trouble!

M-(eyes narrowing) you are this close to getting the back of my paw, girlie.

J-And what's a birthday without a family fight-c'mon you two. I'm intrigued to find out how you managed to wrap it. I mean, I can figure how you pulled the paper towel out of the trash but how it is stuck together. Odd-what's this weird stain?

B-Uhhh, you really don't want to know. Say-how about a snack?

J-There's bits of grass stuck in there...

B-C'mon-I'm peckish-chop, chop.

J-(wtf dude, this isn't what I think it is)

B-(I'll tell you later) Come on now ladies...

T-Extra helping for me, Daddy?

B-Oh just steal it from Molls like you always do, piglet.

M-I just let her steal it-I'm on a diet!

B-Well, happy birthday, man. I'll be in later and we can dip into some drink and nip.

J-Ok-thanks everyone!

B,M,T-YOU'RE WELCOME!

Later...

J-Seriously, dude-cat puke as a glue?

B-Works well don't you think?

J-Gaack

B-Oh, come on now-it's wrapped in foil and paper.Do you think we can manage scotch tape?

J-I think I'll regift it back to Mom. (long pull on drambuie) She's been having quite a sweet tooth.

B-Nice! You're all heart! Damn, that's good nip! (flops on side on the desk)

J-Moon's up.

B-Yep-good sign-full moon on your birth day.

J-Feline mythology?

B-Good full year ahead.

J-Sounds good to me.

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Batards!

B-What are you howling about?

J-Eco-terrorists attacked my bean plants! And then they lopped off the bloom on my coneflower -WTF?

B-Oh dear.

J-You're effin' right it was deer-it was goddamn Bambi bin Laden.

B-Sigh-it has happened in the past.

J-I don't care-I am fed up with this. Rotten long-legged rats.

B-It's a drought year-they are scrounging.

J-THERE'S A FUCKING WOODS LESS THAN 100 YARDS FROM HERE. GO EAT THERE.

B-All this uproar about beans. Are you going to post on Facebook a pic of the beans with a translucent American flag overlaid to inspire solidarity? Gawd, that knee-jerk mindless nonsense is lame especially when it's only about European tragedies-people die in Turkey or Africa-no one cares.

J-Hey, fuck you man. I like beans and that is besides the point. They came on MY land to destroy MY crops. Locusts. Parasites, that's what they are.

B-(shrug) I don't see the point but of course, I only eat vegetable matter as a digestif.

J-We need to build a wall, that's what we need. Keep those parasites out. Make our country great again, take our country back from them.

B-But they are already here.

J-No matter. Then, we will keep them in. Arm everyone, kill them all!!!

B-When did you get that bad dye job and the comb over? And your lips, what's with the purse? Looks like you just ate a lemon.

J-Don't you see? We have to stand up for what is ours, we can't allow this to go on. If the bleeding hearts won't let us kill them, let's deport them....like to Canada. Then build the wall and bill them for it and if they won't pay....well, let's just say three words: 300 kiloton payload.

B-Dude, you're insane. It's just a fucking bean plant.

J-IT'S OUR FOOD-WHERE DOES IT END? STARTS SMALL IN THE GARDEN BUT THEN IT GOES NATIONWIDE. FAMINE!!!PESTILENCE!!!THE END OF DAYS!!!

B-JEFF, JEFF WAKE UP!!! (right hook to the grill)

J-Dude, you hit me.

B-Thank goodness, you're back.

J-Uhh, I have been here all along.

B-Dude, you went into some kind of fugue and were channelling....here, take a sip of wine....Trumpers!!

J-Oh, dear mother in heaven. How long was I gone?

B-Long enough to scare the crap outta me and our valued readers!

J-(shivering) Man,I remember being pissed off about the beans the deer ate then I don't recall anything until you hit me.

B-I hope this is not infectious in your species.

J-Sadly, I think it is. Half of the voters are infected

B-I think this is like one of those old Star Trek episodes: anger feeds the organism.

J-Hmm, I wonder what the incidence of Trumper syndrome is with potheads?

B-Sounds like the basis for a well-funded study to me. Maybe,THAT'S why legalization efforts keep being thwarted. It's a conspiracy!! Keep them dumb and angry!

J-LOL as opposed to being dumb and stoned. I dunno, man-it's been a crazy year. All the violence and upheaval. Reminds me of '68.

B-Yeah, it does. And the candidates are as Tricky as Dicky.

J-Well, it's another “hold your nose and vote” election. For me, it comes down to 2 words: Supreme Court. Really-Hillary-I'm with her as a slogan-like those awful t-shirts for couples that say “I'm with stupid”? Who thought this was a good idea?

B-Yep-maybe they'll make some headway on species issues. It's not only folk that are hurting. The rest of us are too. I mean, isn't time to go beyond Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter on and on-what about the rest of us? Don't WE matter? Those that you raise for food, experiment on so your drugs work and whether or not your FUCKING FACE CREAM WILL GIVE YOU A RASH?

J-Uhh, send your hate mail and complaints to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com. Man, are you just trying to piss off everyone?

B-Oh, well, don't want to upset the apes. They're on top of the mighty pyramid or worth. Fuck you.

J-Dude, you can't be messing with Black Live Matter-it's not that they matter MORE than anyone else-it's a statement to express the fact that the concerns of the black community continues to be ignored.

B-It's still specist.

J-I suppose it is but look, you need to be a bit more sensitive about this.

B-Oh, I am sorry, should I have prefaced my statement with a fucking trigger warning? Oh, those of you of color should seek a safe place immediately cuz you ain't gonna wanna here this? WTF man! WE SHARE THE PLANET and a bit more respect is due to all of us who are non-apes. And puulllleezzee..don't trot out the damn Bible which supposedly gives y'all dominion over everything else on the planet. All because you were made in the Almighty's image. Bullshit. Written by apes for apes to give y'all a nice big ego boost.

J-Again, all hate mail should be addressed to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com.

B-Ahhhhhh fuck hate mail-I get a bunch as it is. Written by a bunch of dogs.

J-Hmm, sounds like Trumper syndrome to me...

B-No, you idiot-canines. They always troll me online.

J-Wow! Well, we both have had quite a rant-how's your summer going?

B-Oh, just fine. Been a bit toasty for my taste with these fur pajamas and all.

J-I hear ya.

B-Mom's going under the knife again..

J-Yep, couple of weeks. Breast reconstruction. She'll be fine.

B-Just the breasts right?

J-Yeah, her lap will not change. No worries on that.

B-We all would miss that. How about you?

J-Well, you know I am an ass man so I'm good with it.

B-So, you aren't feeling like your fun-bags are going away?

J-Where in the hell did you come up with that saying? Sheesh. This is Mom we're talking about.

B-Just looking out for you, my man!

J-I need a refill. Snack time?

B-You bet! Ranting always makes me peckish.

Two Guys Talkin'

J-Hey man!
B-Sup.
J-Nice night. 
B-Yeah, glad it's warmed up.
J-What's with you? Why the long face? (scritches ear)
B-You guys are in deep shit.
J-Ok-define "you guys".
B-Apes
J-Well, what's going on?
B-You got a full glass? Good. Do you remember the Empheris Felidae?
J-Yes, the Feline Chronicles of Alternative History written by an elusive guy in NYC known as Malichi.
B-Remember the cat who set up the JFK killing?
J-Yeah, now there was a tale.
B-I've been in contact with him.
J-What? How? He is ancient by now.
B-He's reincarnated, knucklehead. Have you listened to anything I have said these past few years?
J-You're right. Sorry. But back so soon?
B-(shrug) He's a Ra and a Ra can control when and where he comes back. 

(ed. note: In feline dogma, several thousand years ago, aliens visited our planet and found that cats were the only interesting and therefore worthwhile species for them to interact with. Ra cats were endowed with enhanced abilities including mind control, extraordinary strength and advanced cognitive skills. They are rare in the population, perhaps 1% and such abilities are passed down via the male bloodline)

B-Besides, he had something to take care of.
J-Hmmm such as?
B-Revenge against his former human.
J-Really? What happened?
B-Well, he always hung out with the Intelligence crowd and he had the misfortune of ending up with this CIA analyst who was a really bad drunk.
J-One would have thought he would have foreseen this and avoided this person.
B-What can I tell ya? Gorgeous, gave great scritches, always had primo tuna. He was getting on in years. It was comfortable. But she was given to neglect.
J-Oh, I don't like the sound of this..
B-Yeah, she went on some trip to Bali-fell for some Aussie sheep broker and the two of them launched into a month of drunken debauchery. Meanwhile back home-she had locked him in the bathroom and left just a small bag of kibble and a couple of bowls of water. She was only supposed to be gone 3 days.
J-Oh no and she had not told the neighbors that she was vacation?
B-Nope. Security.
J-But he was a Ra-what happened?
B-He was a 23 year old Ra. They decline like everyone else and he didn't make it. But he swore revenge upon re-entry. And man, this was a doozy. 
J-How did he do it?
B-Well, he had noticed that Ms. Lush would pass out at night and leave some contents in the blender. She loved tropical cocktails and being thrifty, in the morning, she would save the leftovers for that night's party mix. He also had learned that she was deathly allergic to mango. 
J-Uh oh.
B-So, he re-entered after an appropriate interval to let the grief and guilt to wear off and presented himself one bright, sunny morning on her doorstep as a pathetic, mewing stray. He was in like Flynn as they used to say. While she was at work, he would visit the local dumpsters behind Asian restaurants and collect the dregs from discarded containers of mango juice until he had enough to do the job. As usual one night, she passed out, leaving the blender uncovered. He managed to add the mango juice and halfway through that evening's first mai tai, (Bin passes his paw across his throat) she was deader than a door nail. She was found  a couple of days later after worried co-workers had stopped by the house, peered in the windows and saw her on the floor. When the EMTs and the cops arrived, they found a sad, mewing young cat next to the corpse. One of her colleagues at the Company took him in.
J-Wow! That is a pretty impressive hit! Man!
B-He had several lifetimes of accumulated knowledge, indeed.
J-So-how did you run into him?
B-Chatroom
J-You visit chatrooms.
B-Sure-I have a Google account.
J-Hmm, that's right. What chatroom?
B-Oh,mainly for felines but other species are welcome. However, there is rigorous vetting in order to join and pretty hefty encryption to login.
J-So how did you know it was him?
B-LOL he hasn't changed his avatar in ages.For that matter, neither have I. Easier for those who have known each other during multiple lives to recognize one another. 
J-So, what is this big serious thing you're tail is all puffed up about.
B-Your glass full?, Ok. Where to begin. There exists and has existed for eons an organization referred to as The League. All living species on the planet have a representative at the table. Its origin dates back to the Great Extinction after the meteor hit and wiped out a good chunk of living things. Once life stabilized, The League was organized to discuss problems and work on solutions in case of the threat of another such catastrophe. Curiously, its creation coincided with the arrival of the aliens whose main contribution was to enable everyone to understand one another. 
J-But what about us? We can't understand any other species.
B-The aliens were scared of you and didn't extend the ability to the apes. A grave mistake in hindsight.
J-But, we were barely out of the trees. What freaked them out?
B-I dunno, man. It has been a puzzle for many of us throughout the years. Evidently, they saw something.
B-Anyway-a few days ago-I entered the chatroom-haven't visited awhile and there is the Ra who recognizes me and immediately signals for a private IM. He had some very disturbing news concerning The League. You ready?
J-Ayup.
B-Ok man, here it is-The League is close to sanctioning a hit on your species.
J-
J-
J-Umm, The League is advocating killing off the human race?
B-Yes.
J-How?
B-The Dark Ones, The Unseen (shudder) Oh they give me the creeps. Crawling around inside your body.
J-What?
B-The Viruses
J-Ohhhhh 
J-So, what brought all this about?
B-The League doesn't like the trending of climate change, something directly linked to ape activity. In a nutshell: kill the apes, save the world.
J-Good grief. Can they pull it off?
B-Well, this isn't the first time. Anti-ape sentiment has been around for quite awhile as you guys spread out of Africa to the four corners of the Earth. Man, you guys piss folks off everywhere you go. In modern times, a rogue element within The League hired out the viruses for  their first contract on you guys following your WWI. So many died in the war, they hoped a major worldwide epidemic would finish you off.
J-The Spanish Flu.
B-Yep. But the viruses weren't strong enough.Then in the 80's, another League group initiated an unapproved sanction targeting a minority ape population with the hope it would slowly spread then cascade into the general population. This one was quite ingenious considering it centered on a fundamental drive of all living things.
J-Ahh, sex-HIV.
B-Yep but the project was doomed from the start. Faulty premise at the core although its backers swore that given time, it would have worked. They had underestimated how good your scientists are.
J-And now?

B-Ebola was a trial run and had wide support within The League especially when it was clear the American government was influenced by the climate deniers. It was acknowledged that Ebola would not be the end all-it was an experiment to study how world bodies, individual countries, NGO's and charities would respond to this crisis. It was a training and information gathering mission. They were quite happy with the data.
J-Unbelievable.
B-You better believe it. These fuckers are deadly serious and extremely pissed. And if the information is coming from the Ra-this is no piddling matter.
J-Maybe he is a plant. Maybe his mission is to sow fear and paranoia. It's working rather well, thank you very much.
B-No-he thinks this is morally wrong and belongs to a group allied with humans to work out a compromise. Have you heard of E.O. Wilson and the Half-Earth Movement?
J-Actually, yes-there was an article in the Times about him.
B-Well, this is the main opposition group against those wishing total annihilation of the apes. BTW-they are using an horrible and ironic term for the project: The Final Solution.
J-Whoa.
B-And the Zika virus threat? Parallel mission for ape population control. This is a very long term project, man. They have learned they can't take your species out with a single event-it will be waves of viral attacks. And very clever. They are going as far as allowing species to become extinct or to be threatened by various causes knowing that apes scientists will just shrug and go-"well, this just happens in nature. It's evolution". Not in this case, pal. It is a full out attack and you folks are the ones slated for extinction.
J-Damn. Aren't you concerned for your safety? I mean, I have a few followers of the blog-it's out there on the 'net.
 B-The 'net is filled with conspiracy theories-apes are so good at making them up. It's actually a cottage industry. Look at Hillary Clinton, LOL. And really-reread what we've been talking about. Who is gonna believe this? C'mon, man. 
J-So why tell me?
B-Cuz man, if it comes, I want you to know how and why. Enjoy the time you have, man. I know I have been telling you this but now, you really need to. You and I both know E.O. Wilson will be written off as a crackpot. Humans give up half the planet? Especially with the three Desert religions  who think they have been given domain over everything by a supernatural deity. Good luck with that.
J-Are you messing with me? I was in a  pretty good mood as of late.
B-Sorry man, but you need some perspective. Y'all got much more to worry about than Trump and Hill. 
J-Sigh. Well, keep me posted. I need a refill. 
B-Yeah, can't blame you there. C'mon, it's a nice night and I need to take a whizz. You're welcome to water the shrubs if you want.
J-You know how to make a guy feel special,don't you?