Two Guys Talkin'

J-Hey, man!

B-Hey, what's shakin'?

J-Not much-how you be?

B-Cool, man-Happy Birthday from me, Chunk and Crazy.

J-LOL, thanks-Chunk and Crazy-sounds like one of those awful buddy cop shows from the 70's.

B-Well, that genre has been revived-look at True Crime.

J-Yeah, Woody Harrelson-there's crazy.

B-60 dude,whew, that is getting up there!

J-A little respect here and watch the claws.

B-Shrug-60 is old to a cat. About 3 times longer than our normal shelf life. And, of course you have my respect.

J-Hmm, you got your claws crossed?

B-Really? You think I can do that?

J-Metaphorically, then.

B-Of course not! Are you getting sensitive all of a sudden about your age? Sheesh, we're both a couple of geezers.

J-Indeed.

B-You're not all morose are you? Be thankful your feet are still hitting the floor.

J-I am and no, I'm not morose. Just that Fall has come too soon.

B-I hear you there, but this is just a taste. 70's this weekend. Besides, we're liking those fires you've been burning in the fireplace. Nice and toasty!

J-True that. Just not ready for the cold stuff not after last winter.

B-Will you get over it, already? Stop whining. Anyway-did you enjoy your birthday dinner with your pals?

J-Yes, I did and I'm glad you and Molls mingled. Even the Calico stayed upstairs for most of the evening-that's a record for her.

B-Well, I like a good mingle. I like your friend Sue.

J-We noticed, lol. I think she was a bit surprised.

B-Whattaya expect with cats around? Of course, it's gonna be laptime! She recovered very nicely and gave me some nice scritches.

J-Well, good-and thank you for not jumping on the table.

B-I didn't want to embarrass you-besides, there wasn't much up there.

J-That's never stopped you in the past!

B-Here's to you pal.

J-Oh, I'm number one? How nice.

J-What is up with the Calico today? Running all over the place-is she ill?

B-Yes, I believe she is but not in the way you think. Her moniker is no mistake.

J-Aren't you being unkind?

B-After what she has done to me over the years? No slack for her! And just because she gets all purry-furry around you with her daddy's girl routine. Wise up, man!

J-You're sounding a tad jealous there laddie.

B-Nooooo. It's just disgusting the way you fold under her charms-a little purring and tailing and you turn gooey. You have this problem with all the ladies?

J-Ahhhhh. No. Generally, I have not attracted that kind of attention.

B-Women don't flirt with you, eh?

J-Not really.

B-I don't think you are paying attention.

J-Now, just how the hell would you know? You've only known me with C, we rarely entertain and I don't take you around like some folks do with their dogs.

B-Just saying.

J-Are you saying I don't pay attention to things?

B-Well, that's an issue plaguing your entire species.

J-Now where is THIS going?

B-Never mind. Sorry I brought it up.

J-Sometimes, you are just a pain in the ass.

B-Poor apes just can't handle the truth of their inadequacies.

J-Oh, give me a break.

B-What are you people gonna do when ebola mutates and goes airborne? I can see it now: Ebolapocolapse in all the rags. Any little threat and the apes immediately default to the end of the world.

J-What a bizarre segue. You're the one who sounds like they're freaking.

B-I'm freaking because you apes will be freaking. And no one is taking care of business out there. Hell, that thing whips into the mega-cities in central Africa-well, let's just say those country's worries about population control will be over. Why is the UN dragging their feet? They sure as hell wouldn't if a bunch of German white folk were dropping like flies.

J-Good grief you are ALL worked up about this. You've been hanging around with me too long, lol.

J- Seriously, I don't know what to tell you, man. Yep, dark folk dying does not inspire a sense of urgency. Gawd, look at the mess still in Haiti. Hell, even in the Katrina areas. What has brought all this on-you been listening to NPR?

B-

J-Yeah, I heard the same interview with the head of WHO. It IS scary. This on top of Putin,ISIS, the upcoming election season and Scottish Independence (just joking!). And, you have a point-the media turns any threat into MAJOR DRAMA OMG. People are freaked to begin with and the media feeds it. Sells newspapers ya know.

B-Don't get me started on ISIS. COME ON NOW-this is how warfare has been conducted for centuries-figure out things that drive the enemy crazy and do it. Rape the women, kill the children and wounded. They know how to push the West's buttons and beheadings fit the bill. But what I am not hearing is a discussion along these lines: is ISIS simply conducting a traditional form of warfare that the West has distanced itself from for years or was it done purposely to set up the West to get into very nasty conflict? Is there some weird prophesy trying to be matched up here? Like the Christian fanatics in Congress who were trying to manipulate events to correspond with Biblical prophesies about the End of Days and the Rapture?

J-Yeah, it really does seem like ISIS is sticking their chin out. I keep hearing from the “experts” who describe ISIS as being filled with psychopaths. Propaganda or truth? Indeed, if they are nutjobs, well, then it makes sense that in their minds-yeah, let's do this shit and really fuck with the Americans. I dunno.

B-Well I say “Send In The Drones” (apologies to A Little Night Music). Kill them all. But of course not-we conduct “Civilized War”, one of the ape's most atrocious oxymorons.

B-Anyway, sorry to get all worked up. It doesn't look like the virus can jump to felines...for now. I just don't care to think about the chaos if things go south. I've experienced plagues in the past and it ain't pretty.

J-Bubonic?

B-Yep and periodic cholera. I'd be nice and cozy then my human would die.

J-(scratching behind an ear) I'm sorry, buddy. If things go badly, we'll all be together-Mom and I, you and the girls.

B-I know. Just worries me sometimes.

J-Are you getting enough ketchup?

B-LOL ok, ok-Garrison. Thank you for not spelling it the other way.

J-Oh, you mean like the old 60's commercial with some chef taking a mallet to try and pound 20 tomatoes into every bottle....and if it were “CATsup”-20 cats into every bottle???

B-Some people are very cruel to us.

J-That's just wrong, lol. Like the famous Python sketch with the guy making music by pounding mice tails.

B-Oh, well now-THAT'S funny!

J-Speaking of rodents, can you guys stop bringing them in alive??? For crying out loud-you KNOW we don't eat them!! Will you talk to the others??

B-I do apologize but it's an instinct thing and we want to honor you guys.

J-We realize this and appreciate the sentiment.... but....

B-Ok. But it's gonna be a tough sell to our own grey, chunky ISIS member.

J-Sigh-give it a try-she is quite the hunter, isn't she?

B-She IS awesome.

Breaking the Fourth Wall...

Now, gentle reader and fans...this is a good and proper example for the use of the word AWESOME. Grey Molly IS an awesome hunter, not only for the variety of species she is known to bring down but for the dedicated ferocity she displays while in the act. If I were some critter out there, seeing her in action would definitely fill me with AWE (and shock) and I would probably run for my life or simply tremble into heart failure.

Consider this as opposed to the following examples featuring poor and generally ridiculous overuse of the word:

-Dude-check out this AWESOME video.

-this is an AWESOME pizza.

-you had a good day? AWESOME

-AWESOME pair of sneakers you have on.

Thank you for your attention and we now return back to the conversation already in progress....

J-As you have observed, one tough broad in an alley fight, lol.

B-She heard about that BTW.

J-Uh oh.

B-No, she was quite touched and smiled before she unleashed a swift left jab into my jaw.

J-LOL What's with her tail sniffing? Is she losing it and thinking you're her son?

B-Well, you've asked before and I don't know. She's never called me by his name. I'm thinking a mommy habit.

J-So she feels maternal even though you're nearly the same age.

B-Yeah, I'll buy that. Yawn. I need a nap-happy 60^th. Many more I hope. (headbutt)

J-Nothing says affection like cat drool. Thanks buddy! How about a snack before you turn in?

B-You're the best, EVER!

J-AWESOME!