J-Batards!
B-What
are you howling about?
J-Eco-terrorists
attacked my bean plants! And then they lopped off the bloom on my
coneflower -WTF?
B-Oh
dear.
J-You're
effin' right it was deer-it was goddamn Bambi bin Laden.
B-Sigh-it
has happened in the past.
J-I
don't care-I am fed up with this. Rotten long-legged rats.
B-It's
a drought year-they are scrounging.
J-THERE'S
A FUCKING WOODS LESS THAN 100 YARDS FROM HERE. GO EAT THERE.
B-All
this uproar about beans. Are you going to post on Facebook a pic of
the beans with a translucent American flag overlaid to inspire
solidarity? Gawd, that knee-jerk mindless nonsense is lame
especially when it's only about European tragedies-people die in
Turkey or Africa-no one cares.
J-Hey,
fuck you man. I like beans and that is besides the point. They came
on MY land to destroy MY crops. Locusts. Parasites, that's what they
are.
B-(shrug)
I don't see the point but of course, I only eat vegetable matter as a
digestif.
J-We
need to build a wall, that's what we need. Keep those parasites out.
Make our country great again, take our country back from them.
B-But
they are already here.
J-No
matter. Then, we will keep them in. Arm everyone, kill them all!!!
B-When
did you get that bad dye job and the comb over? And your lips, what's
with the purse? Looks like you just ate a lemon.
J-Don't
you see? We have to stand up for what is ours, we can't allow this to
go on. If the bleeding hearts won't let us kill them, let's deport
them....like to Canada. Then build the wall and bill them for it and
if they won't pay....well, let's just say three words: 300 kiloton
payload.
B-Dude,
you're insane. It's just a fucking bean plant.
J-IT'S
OUR FOOD-WHERE DOES IT END? STARTS SMALL IN THE GARDEN BUT THEN IT
GOES NATIONWIDE. FAMINE!!!PESTILENCE!!!THE END OF DAYS!!!
B-JEFF,
JEFF WAKE UP!!! (right hook to the grill)
J-Dude,
you hit me.
B-Thank
goodness, you're back.
J-Uhh,
I have been here all along.
B-Dude,
you went into some kind of fugue and were channelling....here, take a
sip of wine....Trumpers!!
J-Oh,
dear mother in heaven. How long was I gone?
B-Long
enough to scare the crap outta me and our valued readers!
J-(shivering)
Man,I remember being pissed off about the beans the deer ate then I
don't recall anything until you hit me.
B-I
hope this is not infectious in your species.
J-Sadly,
I think it is. Half of the voters are infected
B-I
think this is like one of those old Star Trek episodes: anger feeds
the organism.
J-Hmm,
I wonder what the incidence of Trumper syndrome is with potheads?
B-Sounds
like the basis for a well-funded study to me. Maybe,THAT'S why
legalization efforts keep being thwarted. It's a conspiracy!! Keep
them dumb and angry!
J-LOL
as opposed to being dumb and stoned. I dunno, man-it's been a crazy
year. All the violence and upheaval. Reminds me of '68.
B-Yeah,
it does. And the candidates are as Tricky as Dicky.
J-Well,
it's another “hold your nose and vote” election. For me, it comes
down to 2 words: Supreme Court. Really-Hillary-I'm with her as a
slogan-like those awful t-shirts for couples that say “I'm with
stupid”? Who thought this was a good idea?
B-Yep-maybe
they'll make some headway on species issues. It's not only folk that
are hurting. The rest of us are too. I mean, isn't time to go beyond
Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter on and on-what about the rest of
us? Don't WE matter? Those that you raise for food, experiment on so
your drugs work and whether or not your FUCKING FACE CREAM WILL GIVE
YOU A RASH?
J-Uhh,
send your hate mail and complaints to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com.
Man, are you just trying to piss off everyone?
B-Oh,
well, don't want to upset the apes. They're on top of the mighty
pyramid or worth. Fuck you.
J-Dude,
you can't be messing with Black Live Matter-it's not that they matter
MORE than anyone else-it's a statement to express the fact that the
concerns of the black community continues to be ignored.
B-It's
still specist.
J-I
suppose it is but look, you need to be a bit more sensitive about
this.
B-Oh,
I am sorry, should I have prefaced my statement with a fucking
trigger warning? Oh, those of you of color should seek a safe place
immediately cuz you ain't gonna wanna here this? WTF man! WE SHARE
THE PLANET and a bit more respect is due to all of us who are
non-apes. And puulllleezzee..don't trot out the damn Bible which
supposedly gives y'all dominion over everything else on the planet.
All because you were made in the Almighty's image. Bullshit. Written
by apes for apes to give y'all a nice big ego boost.
J-Again,
all hate mail should be addressed to bindiwankatterpi@gmail.com.
B-Ahhhhhh
fuck hate mail-I get a bunch as it is. Written by a bunch of dogs.
J-Hmm,
sounds like Trumper syndrome to me...
B-No,
you idiot-canines. They always troll me online.
J-Wow!
Well, we both have had quite a rant-how's your summer going?
B-Oh,
just fine. Been a bit toasty for my taste with these fur pajamas and
all.
J-I
hear ya.
B-Mom's
going under the knife again..
J-Yep,
couple of weeks. Breast reconstruction. She'll be fine.
B-Just
the breasts right?
J-Yeah,
her lap will not change. No worries on that.
B-We
all would miss that. How about you?
J-Well,
you know I am an ass man so I'm good with it.
B-So,
you aren't feeling like your fun-bags are going away?
J-Where
in the hell did you come up with that saying? Sheesh. This is Mom
we're talking about.
B-Just
looking out for you, my man!
J-I
need a refill. Snack time?
B-You
bet! Ranting always makes me peckish.
