What's said/What it really means.

Some friends at work and I played this game where you take  phrases and interpret what they really mean. From the government, politicians, dentists, girlfriends. The results look to be a mix of modern cynicism and Mad magazine. I'm sure you have many to add. Enjoy.

I’m not going to send our sons and daughters to fight overseas.

We’re going to war.

The people have spoken and we will respect their wishes.

We’re going to subvert the democratic process as much as possible and overturn these results.

This agency is committed to being transparent.

No, we aren’t. We strive to be obscure and if we say that we are transparent enough times, people will believe us.

Some assembly required.

You will need an advanced degree from M.I.T. to put this stupid bookcase together.

We’re dedicated to a loving and enlightened way of life in this community.

Only if you follow our ways exactly and without question. Otherwise, your

soul will be condemned to an eternity of damnation.

Professor, I don’t understand the assignment.      

I’ve had 3 weeks to work on the assignment but have not done a single thing on it.

 

But I worked so hard on this assignment.

I slapped it together this morning after I got home from the bar.

I am going to miss Friday’s test because my grandmother died and I have to go home.   

This is the fifth time grandma has died. I want to leave early so I can take the train to Chicago and hook up with my boyfriend.

 

It's not you, it's me.

Dude, it's you.

We’ve had no prior complaints concerning this, sir.   

We’ve had plenty of complaints but won’t fix the problem. In fact, it’s not a problem for us.

Honest officer, all I have had is a couple of beers.

True, only a couple of beers in the past hour. But I have been drinking for most of the afternoon. How come there’s three of you guys for a routine traffic stop?

You will feel a slight prick.

You will experience the worst pain in your life. I hope you don’t scream

too much.

 

I only ate a couple.

No, piglet you ate half the pan.

 

I'm only a bit behind in my payments.

 I haven't made a payment in six months but I really had a nice vacation in

Mexico.

 

We only did it once.

We've been screwing like rabbits for 6 months. In your bed, Mom and Dad.

Historic

Houston, we’ve had a problem.

HALF OF OUR F….G CAPSULE HAS BLOWN OFF.

Mistakes were made.

We illegally invaded a sovereign nation, the entire operation is a debacle

and we're getting our butts kicked by civilian militias.

 

It appears the president has experienced some distress during the

motorcade in Dallas, Texas.

Half of his head was shot off.

C’mon boys, we have them on the run.

-GA Custer, June 25, 1876.
Where the hell did all those Indians come from?

Inter-Species Fight Club

There's been a lot of action at the bird feeder now that spring has arrived and folks have awakened. Besides the birds and thankfully thwarted squirrels- coons, rabbits, skunks and possums have all been visiting. Under the baleful eyes of the crew of course, who are both curious and incensed by these intruders. This brought to mind an old piece that I wrote in 2010 and issued in serial form concerning the battle between my boss and the squirrels who were raiding the bird feeders at work. Here, I present the condensed version of:

IFC brings you world-wide coverage of species conflict over food, water, air, mates, land and ultimately, dominance of the planet Earth!!

Brought to you by Hopheader-The Prince of Beers, The Mammal Policy Center and Grasslands Forever who are proud sponsors of IFC, whose charter is to celebrate and exploit inter-species conflict for the entertainment of others.

IN THE RED CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 195 POUNDS AND STANDING 6 FEET, 2 AND ONE HALF INCHES....BOBBY (KILLER) DeMARCO

IN THE BLUE CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 5 AND THREE QUARTER POUNDS AND 14 INCHES IN LENGTH....BUBBA (BUDDHA GUT) SQUIRREL

THE STAKE: A DELTA TOWNSHIP BIRD FEEDER

Yes, fans, it's man vs cute furry critter!!! While both have hands, one has a brain the size of an acorn!!! Direct from an undisclosed corporate Bird Feeding Arena featuring it's brand new anti-squirrel flashing, this will no doubt be a fight talked about for some time!! Excerpts from last night's news conference with Bubba Squirrel's management team:

Speaking to reporters, Bubba's manager, Waldo (Pops) Leafbinder, said that he had contacted the HSL Group to give Bubba technical advice. HSL Group is a think-tank specializing in squirrel issues. "We have our best minds on the job" said Leafbinder. "It's just a matter of time and I am confident we will be victorious in this fight. There's a lot at stake here, Bubba has an unbroken string of victories". Jay Smith from Reuters pointed out that the vast majority of those victories were against common homeowners and little old ladies with limited resources. "Killer" DeMarco has corporate backing and therefore access to more money. "Bring him, his big brain and his daddy's big bucks ON" snorted Leafbinder. "Bubba will be eating both their lunch and dinner!!"

In related news, a representative from the SLF (Squirrel Liberation Front) threatened to escalate operations in the Delta Township area. Wearing the standard SLF uniform of black mask and red beret, the spokesman identified only as Comrade 176 said that this action by DeMarco is yet another example of human imperialism and species discrimination. "Isn't this typical of the humans. It's ok for birds to eat their food but not squirrels. We have the right to feed our families BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY." said Comrade 176. "We fully support the efforts of our brother. We may send covert teams into the suburbs to protest this unprovoked action."  Comrade 176 had no comment as to what specific operations might be launched.

The SLF was formed in 1976 as a loosely organized resistance group fighting the continuing human intrusion into squirrel lands. Following the devastating winter of 1978 when thousands of squirrels starved and froze to death, Alsop Branchflyer arose as a charismatic leader who unified the SLF into a single, cohesive movement. He preached a Marxist-based economy to prevent the 1978 holocaust from happening again as well as fighting for a separate homeland for the squirrel species. Branchflyer was assassinated by a homeowner in 1983 and since then, the SLF became more extreme in their efforts against humans. Wide scale organized attacks on human food supplies were launched by the now famous red bereted, black masked SLF special forces units. The SLF also sent suicide units who electrocuted themselves on power lines resulting in loss of service to homes. The group claimed responsibility for the  several regional regional blackouts but this has never been acknowledged by the authorities.

Round One

Today, Bubba and a rep from HSL were seen sizing up the feeders. Bubba made a couple of attempts to scale the pole but was unsuccessful.

We gotta score this:
Round one to "Killer" DeMarco!

Will Bubba succeed? How will he change his strategy? Will the SLF become involved or are they just posturing? These are the burning questions of our day, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned!

Round Two

It's Round 2 to DeMarco! And the fight is heating up!!!!

Apparently Bubba has been unable to breach DeMarco's defenses although there is evidence of attacks on two fronts. First, the direct approach. The bottom of the flashing shows signs of chewing. Secondly, Bubba was seen conferencing at the feeder with members of the crow and woodchuck factions. While his manager "Pops" Leafbinder would not comment on this development, it's thought this meeting comes on the advice of the HSL Group to broaden the assault.

This drew an immediate and furious response from SLF spokesman, Comrade 176. The SLF is well known for its specist apartheid policies. "We don't need any help from the likes of these" Comrade 176 said referring to the crow and woodchuck contingent. "Leafbinder is creating an unholy triad and the SLF will never support this kind of action." Leafbinder had no response.

In related news, an off-the-cuff comment by Mr. DeMarco at a Bassmasters event has ignited the rhetoric between the two camps. When asked by reporters what he thought of Bubba Squirrel and squirrels in general, DeMarco replied "the only good squirrel is a dead squirrel." The Leafbinder management team soon issued a statement expressing their shock at DeMarco's comment saying "...it is obvious to us that Mr. DeMarco has no honor as a fighter and we shall from this point forward treat him with none." A statement released by Fortino's managers says "Mr. DeMaro was making a quick joke and feels that it was taken out of context."

Comrade 176 of the SLF was not buying the explanation. Speaking to Jay Smith of Reuters, Comrade 176 barely contained fury was evident. "Mr. DeMarco's comment represents what we have maintained for years about human genocidal ambitions towards our species." He then burst into a furious pouring of Sqillisque, an ancient squirrel dialect that features a series of rapid, high pitches squealing and chattering with violent whipping motions of the tail. What he said is still being translated, however, the gist was certainly apparent. In response, Jay Smith could only say "wow."

Flash/Reuters:

Bobby "Killer" DeMarco  has scored a major upset over Bubba "Buddha Gut" Squirrel.

Bubba's manager "Pops" Leafbinder surprised the fight world by conceding the match to DeMarco at a hastily called press conference this morning. "We're throwing the towel" said a tearful Leafbinder. "Bubba is done wore out. He has lost a tooth and his mental condition is in question". Bubba has been undefeated up to this point and Leafbinder indicated that he was not available for interviews.

DeMarco's camp was just as surprised at the announcement. DeMarco was on his way to a gun show when a reporter broke the news to him. "Wow, I thought Buddha Gut had more left in him. I mean, he was getting help from the other critters and those idiots from the SLF. Wow." "Bubba is a legend and it was a great honor to fight him" a clearly emotional DeMarco added. "I didn't mean what I said-that was just trashtalk-part of the game" referring to his controversial statement "that the only good squirrel was a dead one." He had no comment when a reporter asked him if he would continue to hunt squirrels for sport.

In related news, the SLF issued a one sentence communique announcing the death of Comrade 176. The SLF spokesman had not been seen since his outburst during an interview with Reuter's reporter Jay Smith several days ago. There had been speculation about his possible death as it is well known that squirrels have high-strung natures and prone to brain aneurysms or that he had been assassinated in a coup attempt by an emerging moderate wing of the SLF. No further information has been issued SLF.

Jay Smith in his daily column for Reuters wrote: 
"I have covered inter-species fights for 20 years and I can only think of a handful of events that match this level of reversal of fortune. Wile E. Coyote's breakdown and suicide attempt in '78, and Rin Tin Tin's grisly near-decapitation of Morris the Cat during our Hall of Fame interview in '90. Who saw that coming?

Bubba Buddha Gut Squirrel has scant company in the rarefied air of this sport's legends. He is respected by all who know him, friend and foe alike. He has been a fine role model for young squirrels and has given back so much to his community. This reporter hopes for his complete recovery and return to the sport in which he set the bar high for all others to follow".

So, there it is fight fans! Humans score a huge upset over critters! But what of future matches? Will Bubba "Buddha Gut" pull through and fight again? What other species will "Killer" DeMarco challenge? And is this the last we hear from the SLF?

Whatever happens, folks, know that IFC will be THERE!!!!