2 Guys Talkin'

B-Crazy apes, crazy crazy apes. 
 

J-You read, huh?

B-Your species never fails to astonish. The adage about cats and curiosity should really apply to apes. Our curiosity is merely patrolling with the desire to uphold our personal security. You idiots make atomic weapons.

J-Those were developed for the same reason: security.

B-That's not my point and you know it-your curiosity could end up killing us all. If it ain't messing up the climate or poisoning everything, it will be some stupid- we did it cuz we can and we had funding-experiment that has unintended consequences. You guys are really good at creating OOOPPS situations.

J-Geez you're in a filthy mood. Calico giving you extra grief?

B-I'm just grumpy.

J-I noticed you have been finicky about your food.

B-I'm bored with it.

J-Hmm general malaise?
 

B-I haven't killed anything in a while.

J-Wait. You're feeling bad because you haven't murdered anything recently?

B-We don't murder-we hunt. It's what we do. Your Bambi killers aren't referred to murderers are they?

J-Well, depends on who you ask...

B-Don't get me started on the animal rights people. “Oh kitty cats are wiping out whole species of fucking sparrows, oh the tragedy, oh the humanity”. They're SPARROWS!

J-We don't mind the mice being decimated. Just wish they would be dead when you guys bring them in.

B-Well-that's HRH who is doing that. That tub of lard is deceptively quick. She gets quite a kick out of wiping the grins off those doomed rodents who point and laugh at her.

J-Now that is unkind to the Mollster-she is a chunky breed.

B-Chunky, my furry black ass. That girl is BIG. We all heard the vet. She should be going to Weight Watchers.

J-Back to you-what seems to be the problem? You having a bad patch?

B-Mice,moles, birds,chippers, insects -they have been the luckiest sons-of-bitches on the planet, I swear. Worse, the Calico has been snickering. I've had just about enough of her brand of bullshit.

J-Now, let's not have another spate of fighting. You know how that upsets Mom.

B-I know, but I don't like being humiliated.

J-You seem to still be in pretty good shape for an older gent-you still have your moves.

Maybe you're just trying too hard. Give it a break. Stop obsessing. Relax. It's like riding a bike-it will come back.

B-Any other cliches you'd like to trot out?

J-Boy, you just want to wallow. Ok. How about a scritch.

B-Naa.

J-Oh c'mon. It will make you feel better. How about there?

B-Meh.

J-How about a snack?

B-Meh. I'm gonna take a nap. I'm feeling old. Mom called me “grizzled”.

J-Well, she was referring to both of us and she meant it as a term of endearment.

You were drooling and getting a tummy rub at the time. Now, you are upset?

B-Meh.

J-Ohhhhhhhhhh

B-What?

J-I know what's going on. I wondered who knocked that book down. You've been reading Yeats.

B-No I haven't.

J-Yeah you have. You get into these moods when you read Yeats. And you holler at me for listening to Tom Waits. You're just as bad.

B-It's fall, I'm feeling my age, the world is a mess and I can't hunt anymore. No country for old men.

J-Sigh. Can't argue with you there, buddy. Things suck sometimes. But, they get better. The world keeps turning, keeps running around the sun. It's life and it could be so much worse. We could be living in Somalia.

B-I know-the hell of having First World problems.

J-C'mon, how about a tooth treat before you nap?
 

B-You mean those things that look like wine corks?

J-Yep-crunchy-supposed to help ward off gum disease.

B-What the hell do you think those bony sparrows are for? Of course, I wouldn't know because I haven't killed one in weeks so sure, let's by all means have a tooth treat since I am incapable of getting a natural one anymore and while we're at it, let's get out the pate since I cannot feed myself anymore and here, get a leash and take me for walksies like a fucking dog because I can't take a shit anymore unsupervised and while you are at it, just shoot me and put me out of my misery. I'm ready for the next life.

J-Are you DONE? Gawd,nothing worse than a sulking cat. What the hell, man? Why don't you go take a nap for crying out loud.

B-I just will.

J-You do that.

B-I will if I can get this fucking door open but of course I can't because those bastards took out my front claws.

J-Here you go. Have a nice day.

B-Fuck you.

J-Sour puss

B-Asshole

J-Tooth treat?

B-

B-

B-

J-My final offer.

B-Sure.