J-Jesus H. Christ, will you stop howling. Mom's trying to do yoga. You got scritches and you turned your nose up at the chow. And don't give me this nonsense that the can was corked-it was a brand new can!
B-I howl, therefore I am.
J-WTF is this? Descartes meets Ginsberg-give me a break. You are driving Mom and me nuts.
B-Well who ordered up this crap outside? I can't go out on patrol, it's colder than mouse titties, I'm stuck inside with Madame Grumpy Cat and Ms. Malice, can't get any grass so I can throw up and I haven't killed anything in a very, very long time. And, asshole, who shut the portal?
J-Dude, the portal FROZE SHUT-that's how cold it is. I was going to lock it anyway. Dangerous for you folk to be outside. Last thing I need is to have to drag one of your furry butts into the vet with frostbite and be subjected to staff stinkeyes: "how could you let your kitty go outside? What an asshole!".
B-Whoa. It froze shut-never seen that happen.
J-Well, man-you haven't seen 14 below before with the portal.
B-Sorry I'm grumpy. My tum's a bit jumpy.
J-Yeah, mine too.
B-I noticed you have been off your feed-what's up?
J-Oh, another wonderful consequence of being on steroids: gastritis. So, I'm on a bland diet now with less choices than ever.
B-Damn, that sucks man-I notice you're thinning too.
J-Yeah, both of us. Good news though, getting back to the weather-50 degrees on Monday. You'll be able to go on the porch bench-wander around the garage.
B-Yay!!
J-So, what is with you and Molls?
B-Nothing. Nothing. It's that damn trouble making Calico creating drama because she is bored. I have no idea why Molls decide to hang out a couple of times with me on your bed. Maybe she likes having your scent around or maybe she was mixing me up with her dead son. Who knows. I did, however, enjoy seeing Tomi get a paw to the grill, lol. That fat grey has a vicious right hook.
J-Sigh, cabin fever.
B-You bet-why not put on some ape porn for us to while away the time. Watching apes copulate is a hoot! Oh baby, Oh baby, right there baby.
J-Dude, porn is fake. It's like "pro" wrestling. I doubt real couples sound like this or do the ridiculous things portrayed.
B-Well true, based on what we've seen. We just thought you and Mom were kinda quiet and getting old.
J-Wow, Um, I don't know how to respond to all of that other than to point out that this is a bit oversharing with our audience.
B-Ah yes, the bashful apes. Getting back to the weather, Dude, bad bad stuff happening with The League.
J-Uh oh.
B-It's gone like America's politics: the moderates have become extinct. Everyone has splintered and going their own way to off your species. "By any means possible" is the new watchword. The last meeting was bonkers with many factions hysterical and justifiably so, given the rapid and catastrophic rise of extinctions. Lots of rumors of rogue ops. No cohesive effort. Just get it done and sooner the better.
J-Not good. How?
B-Word around the campfire is putting their bets with the viruses.
J-Oh gawd.
B-Yeah, right? (shudder) They're gonna target this country because your government has lost it's mind and gone anti-science-both in policy and funding. And now, with the shutdown with another threatened-great time to slip something in. Like the food supply or Coca Cola as in that book you read " The Brief History of the Dead". I've heard rumblings about mosquito-borne tropicals but they aren't getting as far North as hoped.
J-Well, it's gonna take years to first fix the mess the Orange Cockroach created and then get chunks of the world to sign on and try and roll back the emissions. I'm not hopeful.
B-Nope. Not where gold is involved and we all know how you apes love your shiny things.
J-Sigh. How about I make a nice fire and we can watch something, uh, other than ape porn.
B-Cool! You gonna get some popcorn so I can lick off the salt and leave sodden chunks on the carpet?
J-You can lobby Mom about that-no, how about that new tuna and shrimp stuff I've been getting?
B-Hell yes! (runs out to kitchen)
J-Well, at least I'm not getting tripped on the way to the kitchen. Oh stop howling. I'll be right there.
