B-Meooooowww!!
J-Sorry, dude-petting works up a lot of static.
B-Dammit that hurt!
J-That spark did light you up, lol
B-It’s not funny!
J-Here, jump down and I run a wet cloth over you.
B-Really?
J-Sure, c’mon.
J-BRB
B-Ohh, that’s better. Thanks man.
J-Sure. Tail down please so I can type.
B-Sorry. Well, Happy New Year. You order up this weather?
J-You too and no, I didn’t. It’s really getting old and we just started February. Hopefully, the rodent won't see his shadow tomorrow. We can use all the good karma we can get.
B-I know. I miss going outside. Getting too old to be out in that zero degree stuff.
J-Yes, you are. Hey, I saw The Black Kitty hunting the other day.
B-Who? Where?
J-Oh, a big black male whom I’ve been seeing patrolling out back at work.
B-Still have his hardware?
J-Nope. Big jaw, though. Walks like a miniature panther. No collar or tags. But looks way too good to be feral.
B-Don’t know him.
J-Well, I watched him sit on a dry concrete walk and stare into snowy tall grass for quite awhile. Suddenly, whomp! He got a mouse. Sat down and ate it head first. Everything but the squeak.
B. He was using THE VOICE.
J-What?
B-He was using THE VOICE on the mouse.
J-And….what does this ‘VOICE” do?
B-It’s how we manipulate others. He probably told the mouse to come over to him.
J-Come over to his certain death?
B-Yep.
J-Is this another one of your “alien connection” things?
B-Yep. I told you we can communicate empathically. We use THE VOICE.
J-Yes I remember, but you have said nothing about THE VOICE. So, y’all know the language of all creatures? You know mousese?
B-Sigh, you apes and your language-you know communication isn’t always verbal. We can also place a series of images suggesting a particular action we desire.
J-Well, that’s scary. Don’t want the NSA or Homeland Security getting their hands this.
B-We do it all the time with you and Mom. Along with staring to reinforce, (yawn) works pretty well when we want pate or laptime. Throw in a few pathetic mews and it’s a done deal.
J-So how come the three of you are not the greatest hunters of all time if you have this gift? The Calico rarely catches anything. And you, my friend, just had a major drought if I may direct your attention to a couple of chats back?
B-The Calico is dumber than a rock and works on pure instinct. The Grey is quite good and considering she’s a chunk, it’s a damn miracle she manages to grab the birds.
I just lost my touch-it’s like golf-you have to keep at it to keep your skills honed. Shrug-some have developed The Voice better than others. I’d say this black cat is a master.
J-Well, he does seem zen-like out there. I have seen him sit stock still for an hour.
B-Oh yes. Mice are dumbass shitting machines. If you stay still long enough, they forget your scent and presence. If you apply THE VOICE at this point, they’ll walk right over to you. Curtains!
J-Ya know, this really sounds familiar. Sounds like Star Wars. Yeah, Yeah…
C’MON MAN, YOU’RE SAYING YOU GUYS DO THE DARTH VADAR ROUTINE??? LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER???OHH THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE???
B-Where do you think Lucas got his idea?
J-OH COME ON!
B-Yep. His cat told him. And the bastard didn’t give him credit. Mr.Creative Genius made a boatload of money and pimped his cat.
J-What was he supposed to do-list on the credits-“based on an idea by Mr. Jingles”??
Trust fund for the kids?
B-At the very least.
J-Oh please, you’re doing the Soviet crap again-taking credit for everything.
B-You just can’t handle the truth.
J-I can’t handle your whoppers.
B-Well, you do need two hands (snare drum, cymbal) I’m here all week folks. Try the meatloaf!
J-So what happened to the cat?
B-Dunno. I did hear he pissed on a bunch of Asshole’s Norman Rockwell print collection before he split. Ha! That’s rich! I can’t stand Rockwell’s sentimentality.
J-Hmm just trying to visualize how he was able to piss that high…
B-No, you knucklehead, not the stuff on the wall. Lucas had some out of storage that he was looking through one night. Left them out and that’s when the cat gave them a distinctive provenance, lol.
J-That’s just wrong, man.
B-We tolerate a lot but if you cross us-we will exact our pound of flesh.
J-I ‘spose one of yours helped the Bard.
B-He was quite fond of cats and several lived with him but no, they did not manipulate or interfere with Shakespeare. He’s great. We appreciate his acute observations of humanity and hope people will learn about themselves by reading him.
B-Seriously, we don’t go around messing around with everyone on a whim. Just those who mistreat or disrespect us. That’s only fair.
J-Fair enough, buddy. And glad to hear something my kind has done, he did on his own.
B-Awwww-no need to get an inferiority complex about this. We had nothing to do with going to the moon for example. We thought you apes were absolutely nuts hurling yourself out of our atmosphere by sitting on several tons of explosives. To go where? A friggin’ lifeless, uninhabitable piece of rock. And then sit around and pound your chests like your hairy cousins proclaiming how great of an achievement it was. Only you guys, I swear.
J-We are a restless bunch-always have been. Got that mountain to climb. Just because.
B-Hmm, that is quite true. Always on the move, striving for stuff. Oh, makes me tired thinking about it. (yawn) You people need to nap more which sounds like a good idea. (stretching)
J-Want a snack before you nod off?
B-You bet! You’re the man!
